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You were as solid as ice

I thought

My best friend

My other half

My partner in crime

From day one

We were friends

We had a connection

We understood each other like no other

We were inseparable

Until one day

Things ultimately fell apart

Our hearts

Our emotions

Our connection

Us

I decided to walk away

With you engraved

In the back of my mind

In the bottom of my heart

Forever holding a piece of me

Sometimes I think of us as

A lesson

A chance

An experience

So maybe, you weren’t so bad after all.

I always tell myself that I am not lazy. Although I tell this to myself, I know deep inside that I am probably one of the laziest people ever.

I attend school in New York City. Attending a school in the city is great because you have the privilege to tell all you friends that you go to a school in one of the greatest cities in the world. Most of the times, they will be jealous and envious of you. I am actually surprised and proud of myself for waking up early in the morning and commuting to school. The commute to Baruch is about an hour and thirty minutes. Although I go to the city 4 times a week, I have never actually walked more than 3 blocks from Baruch. I always have an excuse for my laziness such as: “Cardio makes me lose gains”, “my legs hurt”, “why are we taking the stairs when there’s a working elevator”, and “I can’t walk, because I did leg day.” When my friends want to eat somewhere, I always ask them how far away it is. If it requires me to walk more than three blocks, I use my list of excuses to persuade them to eat dollar pizzas. I tell myself that laziness is hereditary and that it isn’t my fault.

Every summer since I began high school, I worked as teacher assistant for a first grade class.  Every morning, parents drop off their children in the schoolyard where all the counselors gather to watch their class.  That particular morning, I had just turned around to chat with another counselor but when I refocused on my class, I realized that I lost one of the students within a span of thirty seconds.

I felt that heart gripping panic that parents must feel when they lose their children.  Within that short time frame, I came up with ridiculous theories of his disappearance.  I probably watched too much Law & Order: SVU.  I immediately recomposed myself and squashed those ridiculous notions down.  Panicking would not help me find him. I had to remain levelheaded.  I scoured the schoolyard but I quickly discovered that distinguishing him from other students was difficult because they were all about three feet tall and were bouncing around everywhere.  To my greatest relief, he was not abducted by human traffickers or organ harvesters.  Instead, I found him playing with a group of older kids who were huddled around him.  I heaved a sigh of relief and chastised myself for failing to keep a good watch over all the students.

After finding him and running through that scenario in my mind again, I realized that I would have been solely responsible for his disappearance.  I would have had to explain to his parents that I had lost their beloved son because I was momentarily distracted by speaking to someone.  At that moment, I became keenly aware that I am an adult. Therefore, I would be held accountable for my actions.  I learned that I must be vigilant and pay attention to my surroundings when I have responsibilities to fulfill.  If I had been more attentive in that moment, I would have seen he had just wandered off.  Given this incident, I have kept a closer eye on him and the other students and I am pleased to say that since then, I have not lost any other student.

Success, Success, Success, the three words that constantly run on my mind.

The ride to school though early in the morning are filled with many thoughts, money security, success, family.

What’s it going to take to reach that admirable level of success?

Am I on the right track? Is this what is going to put me inside of that Ferrari?

But the ones in suits always stick out to me. I always wonder, what do they do for a living? What did they do to get there? Am I on my way there?

I just want my life to be in a position where I don’t ever have to struggle to pay bills. I want to help those around me. I want to be able to help my family any way I could. I want that security money provides.

I want the lifestyle monetary success provides. But the one question I struggle with every day is, How?

How will I get there? How can I get to this sense of security? Am I just another dreamer, that says they want to be rich but never actually does anything to achieve it?

Every day I am reminded of individuals my age, sometimes even younger, already building their life’s work, already reaching goals that I want for myself. This scares me.

I don’t want to be one of those people who simply dream but never work towards it to make it a reality. I want to be different.

I want to provide for my family, provide security.

“I don’t know”. I have come to realize that I say these three words a lot. I have often relied on my friends and family to help guide me through life. These words frequently come out of my mouth when I have to make a decision. It could be about anything: what to order at a restaurant, what to wear out, which phone to buy, or what college to go to. I guess one can say that I am pretty indecisive. However, now that I am in college and practically an adult I know that I can’t rely on other people to always help me with a decision. I have made it a goal of mine, now that I’m in Baruch, to make my own decisions and do what I think is best for me (not to sound selfish or anything). Making conscious choices and choosing pathways in life, signals confidence and self-assurance, which is what employers look for when hiring. This is why I am determined to change my weak trait. I remember in my senior year of High School during college application season, many of my friends knew which college they wanted to go to and what they were planning to major in. However, I was still unsure about both of those things. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do, and still kind of don’t. My indecisiveness resulted in my parents basically choosing a college for me. As for my major, my parents are encouraging me to look into accounting or finance, but I am determined to choose a major that I personally connect to and find interesting, and I think that I am on the right path. Another instance where I had a difficult time making a decision was when I was picking out a watch for my birthday. I know, it seems trivial and not really a big deal, but I was standing near the desk looking and trying on watches for nearly two hours. I would say, “What do you think of this one?” or “Maybe that one is better,” or “I don’t know which one I like more!” Standing in the store for so long really made me aware of the problem I have. Overall, like I mentioned before, my goal is to stop relying on other people to help me make decisions and just be confident in the choices I make.

High School was a machine. Entering, Middle School boyhood-immaturity and stupidity-were apparent. I left a man, or at least it seemed to have changed everything. Each year, I imagined myself at a different evolutionary stage. Every now and then, I would stumble back before continuing on based upon my ability to overcome difficulties and make the right decisions. In the end however, I succeeded by graduating.

I was very shy when I entered secondary school. Being alone was never a problem to me. I was never very social anyway. Making friends was hard because almost all of my classes were above the freshman level. I grew up distrusting people. So by the end of the year, most of my friends were upperclassman. I became more open to people but, some of the things I would say were out of context. I learned to socialize like they did. Everything went well that year. My grades were excellent and I remained out of drama.

The following year wasn’t like the first. My classes became difficult and my friends were new since my old ones graduated. I struggled to find myself that year. I began my first relationship in school. This quickly ended because I was unable to balance my life. I was able to make it through the year with my grades still enact. I learned many lessons pertaining to time management and responsibility.

Junior year was a bit of a setback. I became lazy and paid less attention to my work. My report card reflected this. I was often tired because my parents needed my help at home. My father had lost his job and the financial ruin began taking its toll on the family. Having to work wasn’t a problem for me though. I began to contribute more towards the family. I became a prominent household figure because I was becoming older and had many younger siblings. It was during this year that my personality changed. Today, I still make jokes and I am great company but, I am far more serious about my work.

As I sat during the graduation ceremony I realized one thing. I will continue to experience a cycle of growth as I pursue any goal. I think that the change that occurred to me was important. I am now an adult. But there will be more change. After college, at my first job, and throughout my life as a man.

Here we go again. I wonder how this will turn out.

Writing a Monologue

The Definition of “Myself”

Individual:

It means to be unique

It means to be oneself.

Whichever way I choose to express who I am; as girl, as a sister, as a friend,

my choice will always show individuality

I am individual in how I choose to define myself.

Indivisible:

It means to be complete; complete as a person,

maybe one who is young,

or one who is naive,

but still one who is whole.

I am an indivisible sum of all my parts.

Indistinguishable:

It means to be a member, a part of larger being or body,

I am just one in my family and just one in my friends.

I am piece of my society.

I am indistinguishable from every other piece.

Intangible:

It means to be something more than just a living, breathing being.

My thoughts, my opinions, my emotions, my spirit, my morals and my beliefs

These are the things that give me consciousness,

I am intangible because I am mindful.

Insatiable:

It means to be hungry.

I constantly look for more from myself, from my surroundings.

What opportunities can I find to satisfy this hunger

for change,

and for growth,

and for more than what I already am.

I am insatiable because I am still growing.

Individual, Indivisible, Indistinguishable, Intangible, Insatiable

These are so few of the words that I choose to define “myself,”

but they are words that I chose

and words that I know can at least explain something of who I am.

They are a part of a dictionary of words, in different languages and dialects and some

shown through images and memories and places and people,

a dictionary of words, in fact many dictionaries of words, that define the one word

“myself.”

This is the story of the world’s most anticipated greatest disappointment also known as the Next Gen 7th Annual High School classic. I’ve been playing and excelling in basketball for about five years now and I occasionally participate in basketball tournaments with my church team. I use the term participate loosely since the way my church team plays, we do not get far in the competition often. My team is led by men in their late 20s who believe playing time should be divided by seniority. This means, the high school players are often regulated to the bench despite our talent or potential. However, the Next Gen tournament in May 2014 was different because it was only opened to high school children and this year was my year to burst on the scene since I was captain. I felt ready since our last year’s high school tournament where we lost in the first round to the eventual champions.
My team on paper, I believe to this day, was a championship contending team. We had four giants, one deadeye shooter, one bruiser, two role players, my best friend Joel who is a great all-around player, and myself who can carry the team on my back undoubtedly. However, this team had potential but needed work and I as captain began practices in late January despite the snow and cold weather. This year was different from last year because for the time-being we did not have a coach. Our coach from last year, when the tournament was held in the late summer, was in the middle of his schoolwork and could not attend to the team’s needs as much. So I had to be both the captain and coach for our young team. Practices began great. There was mistakes that were expected but nothing that seemed alarmingly for a tournament five months away. I had the audacity of hope for a first place trophy after our first practice.
As the weather got warmer, I naturally expected better from my teammates. i was disappointed when I noticed that it was only Joel and myself who actually seemed interested in winning. I tried many approaches to coaching and teaching my team but to no avail. It was May 23rd, 2014, the day before the tournament and the schedules were released. We had to face three teams prior to first round and they were not easy competition. One team stood out in particular because in our first game we faced another team from Staten Island that was led by my best friend Jeff. The bragging rights was on the line. I was ready to win the tournament and I drove on the 24th hoping my teammates were as well.
They were not. We did not win a game that day. I consider myself as a person of controlled emotions. I had to leave during the tournament that day to not lose it completely in front of everyone. I never felt like such a disappointment and I never felt so embarrassed and angered and empty. I know it’s just basketball and I had to tell myself that repeatedly every time I picked up a ball after the tournament. I questioned myself, is ball really life? I wrote this monologue because for one, I had to, and also, because I’ve been wanting to express my feelings toward this day for months. In my first time as a captain and a coach, I drove my team to failure despite my scoring performance and individual five month long effort. I’ve been told many times that it wasn’t my fault, and maybe it was, but I personally feel that failure is how people can grow as successful human beings, so after this massive disappointment, the road to success can surely be around the corner, right?

The Commute

Before I started commuting to school I thought it would be easy. Two trains and then I’m there. I’ll have plenty of time to do work on the train and I get to be in the city.

I soon realized it’s not so easy.

First of all, the trains are really crowded. Did you know being able to sit on a train is a luxury? Before I started school at Baruch I rarely went into the city during rush hour and it is very, very different.

And then there’s the walk. I don’t like long walks. Now I walk about two miles a day. Yay.

Strangely enough, I find that I actually prefer to walk over taking the subway. I’m not really sure why, but yay for exercise and saving money. When it starts to snow… well I’ll probably change my mind.

Another obstacle in my commute is the train arriving late. I knew would happen sometimes but I didn’t think it would happen often. Well it happens almost every Tuesday and I get anxious about being late. I walk with my friend on Tuesdays and we’ve had to rush a couple times already. It might be faster to take the subway but once we made it to the school in about fifteen minutes. It was quite the accomplishment since it’s more of a twenty minutes walk, but it was not a fun time.

A lot of times I neglect the little things, but commuting has begun to make me see that they do matter. Wednesdays and are the best days of the week. Why? Well, I don’t have to rush getting to Penn Station and the train is empty when I get there and it’s amazing. It doesn’t seem amazing, I know, but just these occurrences make those days so much better. I’ll probably continue to complain about commuting and the new situations I’m getting used to, but at the end of the day it’s not that bad.