Monthly Archives: October 2014

Foreign Territory

New faces, new challenges, new rules to follow

Feeling lost and overwhelmed

Trapped in this building, waiting for someone to post bail

Wandering the halls for help, to no avail

Earphones plugged in, and blasting the Holy Grail

Pacing nervously and biting fingernails

Club members approach and offer bake sales

“No Thank you,” I replied. “I got my ginger-ale”

And seemingly friendly, we exchanged emails

Got shoved on the escalator and my face paled

Refused to give in, courage and patience above all must prevail

Held onto the handrail and turned around,

Greeted by friendly faces, all along, they were right behind my trail.

The hardest thing for me is to know what I want. I always have competing desires that pull in different directions, and Im often unsure what to pick. The choices we make, we make because of reasons. When faced with a decision, each decision has its pros ad its cons. Life would be much easier if the choice were always clear. But the reality is that choices are rarely clear. Not important ones anyways.

Every important step in life can be associated with a decision. Your friends are a choice. The college you attend and your educational path in general is a choice. Your career is a choice. Who you spend your life with is a choice. It goes without saying that your choices are important. A question arises: Do the choices you make determine your character and who you are as a person, or do you make your choices because if the person you already are? The first option means that you can change who you are, and the second means you are who you are. I’m terrified that the second option, the idea that we are who we are, and we make our decisions based on who we are, and that theres nothing you can do about that… that terrifies me.

The fear I have is that all the poor decisions Iv’e made, I’ve made because I’m the kind of person who makes those poor decisions. Maybe I’m so set in who I am, it’s so engrained into my being, that theres nothing I can do. In light of my poor decisions, that scares me.

A lot of the time, because I’m faced with desires pulling me in every direction, in opposite directions, theres a debilitating feeling I get. I’m paralyzed, and the decision is that much harder to make. But i have to make a decision. The fear is making a decision and missing out on whatever the other option had in store.

A lot of this to me sounds like anxiety when I write it out, as in the kind of anxiety that someone with an acute anxiety disorder will have. And thats actually a comfort to me. That means something can be done. However you deal with anxiety.

Sometimes I think I need to get out of the little world in my head. Sure, I want to be happy, and sure, I need to look out for myself, but maybe i should look at decisions as affecting the world outside of myself. I’m selfish. I know that. The decisions I make end up being what I think are going to make ME happy. I should start and more often consider what’s going to make the world around me better as well. Maybe that’s, ironically, what will make me happy.

Let me tell you a little something about New York and its trains. The other day, I was sitting on the D train going to Brooklyn to work. The train had already arrived to Brooklyn and stopped at the 62^nd St stop, when a middle aged Asian woman walked into the train car. The woman wore red and orange colored maxi skirt and a brown sweater on top. She had with her a cart filled with bags and newspapers. When the woman walked in, she turned everyone’s head by yelling and cursing at her phone. She seemed to be angry with someone who she spoke to earlier who seemed to have offended her in some way. And of course, this lovely lady sat next to me. She kept murmuring under her breath insults and her awe at what she seemed to have been accused off. If you think this is the only crazy thing you see on New York trains, then you are wrong. Another incident I had was when I was taking the train to class at eight o’clock in the morning. On the 36 Street stop, a young man entered the car. The train was packed with people going to work or school. Without care, the young man spit on the train floor, barely missing the shoes of a passenger. The poor lady who stood next to him was in shock and disgust. She tried to get further away from him not knowing when he may do it again. There are a lot of things you and I can learn from riding a New York train. You can experience the pushing and shoving. You can experience how the elderly run to an open seat, not caring who they knock over on the way. You really get the sense of the people that reside here. But please, don’t think it’s that bad. It has its intriguing moments, like the dancers. This of course mostly happens in the city, but we have groups of people who ride the trains and entertain us! Imagine that! Sadly they don’t do it out of a warm heart, rather for some mula, but its still fun to watch. You should definitely come and visit New York. Don’t forget to ride the train; it’s the best part! You can even hang off the poles like I did. But there is something that the trains may teach you, since it did for me. It taught me that there are many different people in this city and everyone act different. I learned that there are certain things that are not socially acceptable just by looking at the reactions on people’s faces. It let me understand that although there are flaws, I am part of a something that is extraordinary and living; that is New York City.

You were as solid as ice

I thought

My best friend

My other half

My partner in crime

From day one

We were friends

We had a connection

We understood each other like no other

We were inseparable

Until one day

Things ultimately fell apart

Our hearts

Our emotions

Our connection

Us

I decided to walk away

With you engraved

In the back of my mind

In the bottom of my heart

Forever holding a piece of me

Sometimes I think of us as

A lesson

A chance

An experience

So maybe, you weren’t so bad after all.

I always tell myself that I am not lazy. Although I tell this to myself, I know deep inside that I am probably one of the laziest people ever.

I attend school in New York City. Attending a school in the city is great because you have the privilege to tell all you friends that you go to a school in one of the greatest cities in the world. Most of the times, they will be jealous and envious of you. I am actually surprised and proud of myself for waking up early in the morning and commuting to school. The commute to Baruch is about an hour and thirty minutes. Although I go to the city 4 times a week, I have never actually walked more than 3 blocks from Baruch. I always have an excuse for my laziness such as: “Cardio makes me lose gains”, “my legs hurt”, “why are we taking the stairs when there’s a working elevator”, and “I can’t walk, because I did leg day.” When my friends want to eat somewhere, I always ask them how far away it is. If it requires me to walk more than three blocks, I use my list of excuses to persuade them to eat dollar pizzas. I tell myself that laziness is hereditary and that it isn’t my fault.

Every summer since I began high school, I worked as teacher assistant for a first grade class.  Every morning, parents drop off their children in the schoolyard where all the counselors gather to watch their class.  That particular morning, I had just turned around to chat with another counselor but when I refocused on my class, I realized that I lost one of the students within a span of thirty seconds.

I felt that heart gripping panic that parents must feel when they lose their children.  Within that short time frame, I came up with ridiculous theories of his disappearance.  I probably watched too much Law & Order: SVU.  I immediately recomposed myself and squashed those ridiculous notions down.  Panicking would not help me find him. I had to remain levelheaded.  I scoured the schoolyard but I quickly discovered that distinguishing him from other students was difficult because they were all about three feet tall and were bouncing around everywhere.  To my greatest relief, he was not abducted by human traffickers or organ harvesters.  Instead, I found him playing with a group of older kids who were huddled around him.  I heaved a sigh of relief and chastised myself for failing to keep a good watch over all the students.

After finding him and running through that scenario in my mind again, I realized that I would have been solely responsible for his disappearance.  I would have had to explain to his parents that I had lost their beloved son because I was momentarily distracted by speaking to someone.  At that moment, I became keenly aware that I am an adult. Therefore, I would be held accountable for my actions.  I learned that I must be vigilant and pay attention to my surroundings when I have responsibilities to fulfill.  If I had been more attentive in that moment, I would have seen he had just wandered off.  Given this incident, I have kept a closer eye on him and the other students and I am pleased to say that since then, I have not lost any other student.

Success, Success, Success, the three words that constantly run on my mind.

The ride to school though early in the morning are filled with many thoughts, money security, success, family.

What’s it going to take to reach that admirable level of success?

Am I on the right track? Is this what is going to put me inside of that Ferrari?

But the ones in suits always stick out to me. I always wonder, what do they do for a living? What did they do to get there? Am I on my way there?

I just want my life to be in a position where I don’t ever have to struggle to pay bills. I want to help those around me. I want to be able to help my family any way I could. I want that security money provides.

I want the lifestyle monetary success provides. But the one question I struggle with every day is, How?

How will I get there? How can I get to this sense of security? Am I just another dreamer, that says they want to be rich but never actually does anything to achieve it?

Every day I am reminded of individuals my age, sometimes even younger, already building their life’s work, already reaching goals that I want for myself. This scares me.

I don’t want to be one of those people who simply dream but never work towards it to make it a reality. I want to be different.

I want to provide for my family, provide security.

“I don’t know”. I have come to realize that I say these three words a lot. I have often relied on my friends and family to help guide me through life. These words frequently come out of my mouth when I have to make a decision. It could be about anything: what to order at a restaurant, what to wear out, which phone to buy, or what college to go to. I guess one can say that I am pretty indecisive. However, now that I am in college and practically an adult I know that I can’t rely on other people to always help me with a decision. I have made it a goal of mine, now that I’m in Baruch, to make my own decisions and do what I think is best for me (not to sound selfish or anything). Making conscious choices and choosing pathways in life, signals confidence and self-assurance, which is what employers look for when hiring. This is why I am determined to change my weak trait. I remember in my senior year of High School during college application season, many of my friends knew which college they wanted to go to and what they were planning to major in. However, I was still unsure about both of those things. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do, and still kind of don’t. My indecisiveness resulted in my parents basically choosing a college for me. As for my major, my parents are encouraging me to look into accounting or finance, but I am determined to choose a major that I personally connect to and find interesting, and I think that I am on the right path. Another instance where I had a difficult time making a decision was when I was picking out a watch for my birthday. I know, it seems trivial and not really a big deal, but I was standing near the desk looking and trying on watches for nearly two hours. I would say, “What do you think of this one?” or “Maybe that one is better,” or “I don’t know which one I like more!” Standing in the store for so long really made me aware of the problem I have. Overall, like I mentioned before, my goal is to stop relying on other people to help me make decisions and just be confident in the choices I make.

High School was a machine. Entering, Middle School boyhood-immaturity and stupidity-were apparent. I left a man, or at least it seemed to have changed everything. Each year, I imagined myself at a different evolutionary stage. Every now and then, I would stumble back before continuing on based upon my ability to overcome difficulties and make the right decisions. In the end however, I succeeded by graduating.

I was very shy when I entered secondary school. Being alone was never a problem to me. I was never very social anyway. Making friends was hard because almost all of my classes were above the freshman level. I grew up distrusting people. So by the end of the year, most of my friends were upperclassman. I became more open to people but, some of the things I would say were out of context. I learned to socialize like they did. Everything went well that year. My grades were excellent and I remained out of drama.

The following year wasn’t like the first. My classes became difficult and my friends were new since my old ones graduated. I struggled to find myself that year. I began my first relationship in school. This quickly ended because I was unable to balance my life. I was able to make it through the year with my grades still enact. I learned many lessons pertaining to time management and responsibility.

Junior year was a bit of a setback. I became lazy and paid less attention to my work. My report card reflected this. I was often tired because my parents needed my help at home. My father had lost his job and the financial ruin began taking its toll on the family. Having to work wasn’t a problem for me though. I began to contribute more towards the family. I became a prominent household figure because I was becoming older and had many younger siblings. It was during this year that my personality changed. Today, I still make jokes and I am great company but, I am far more serious about my work.

As I sat during the graduation ceremony I realized one thing. I will continue to experience a cycle of growth as I pursue any goal. I think that the change that occurred to me was important. I am now an adult. But there will be more change. After college, at my first job, and throughout my life as a man.

Here we go again. I wonder how this will turn out.

Writing a Monologue