Monthly Archives: October 2014

The Definition of “Myself”

Individual:

It means to be unique

It means to be oneself.

Whichever way I choose to express who I am; as girl, as a sister, as a friend,

my choice will always show individuality

I am individual in how I choose to define myself.

Indivisible:

It means to be complete; complete as a person,

maybe one who is young,

or one who is naive,

but still one who is whole.

I am an indivisible sum of all my parts.

Indistinguishable:

It means to be a member, a part of larger being or body,

I am just one in my family and just one in my friends.

I am piece of my society.

I am indistinguishable from every other piece.

Intangible:

It means to be something more than just a living, breathing being.

My thoughts, my opinions, my emotions, my spirit, my morals and my beliefs

These are the things that give me consciousness,

I am intangible because I am mindful.

Insatiable:

It means to be hungry.

I constantly look for more from myself, from my surroundings.

What opportunities can I find to satisfy this hunger

for change,

and for growth,

and for more than what I already am.

I am insatiable because I am still growing.

Individual, Indivisible, Indistinguishable, Intangible, Insatiable

These are so few of the words that I choose to define “myself,”

but they are words that I chose

and words that I know can at least explain something of who I am.

They are a part of a dictionary of words, in different languages and dialects and some

shown through images and memories and places and people,

a dictionary of words, in fact many dictionaries of words, that define the one word

“myself.”

This is the story of the world’s most anticipated greatest disappointment also known as the Next Gen 7th Annual High School classic. I’ve been playing and excelling in basketball for about five years now and I occasionally participate in basketball tournaments with my church team. I use the term participate loosely since the way my church team plays, we do not get far in the competition often. My team is led by men in their late 20s who believe playing time should be divided by seniority. This means, the high school players are often regulated to the bench despite our talent or potential. However, the Next Gen tournament in May 2014 was different because it was only opened to high school children and this year was my year to burst on the scene since I was captain. I felt ready since our last year’s high school tournament where we lost in the first round to the eventual champions.
My team on paper, I believe to this day, was a championship contending team. We had four giants, one deadeye shooter, one bruiser, two role players, my best friend Joel who is a great all-around player, and myself who can carry the team on my back undoubtedly. However, this team had potential but needed work and I as captain began practices in late January despite the snow and cold weather. This year was different from last year because for the time-being we did not have a coach. Our coach from last year, when the tournament was held in the late summer, was in the middle of his schoolwork and could not attend to the team’s needs as much. So I had to be both the captain and coach for our young team. Practices began great. There was mistakes that were expected but nothing that seemed alarmingly for a tournament five months away. I had the audacity of hope for a first place trophy after our first practice.
As the weather got warmer, I naturally expected better from my teammates. i was disappointed when I noticed that it was only Joel and myself who actually seemed interested in winning. I tried many approaches to coaching and teaching my team but to no avail. It was May 23rd, 2014, the day before the tournament and the schedules were released. We had to face three teams prior to first round and they were not easy competition. One team stood out in particular because in our first game we faced another team from Staten Island that was led by my best friend Jeff. The bragging rights was on the line. I was ready to win the tournament and I drove on the 24th hoping my teammates were as well.
They were not. We did not win a game that day. I consider myself as a person of controlled emotions. I had to leave during the tournament that day to not lose it completely in front of everyone. I never felt like such a disappointment and I never felt so embarrassed and angered and empty. I know it’s just basketball and I had to tell myself that repeatedly every time I picked up a ball after the tournament. I questioned myself, is ball really life? I wrote this monologue because for one, I had to, and also, because I’ve been wanting to express my feelings toward this day for months. In my first time as a captain and a coach, I drove my team to failure despite my scoring performance and individual five month long effort. I’ve been told many times that it wasn’t my fault, and maybe it was, but I personally feel that failure is how people can grow as successful human beings, so after this massive disappointment, the road to success can surely be around the corner, right?

The Commute

Before I started commuting to school I thought it would be easy. Two trains and then I’m there. I’ll have plenty of time to do work on the train and I get to be in the city.

I soon realized it’s not so easy.

First of all, the trains are really crowded. Did you know being able to sit on a train is a luxury? Before I started school at Baruch I rarely went into the city during rush hour and it is very, very different.

And then there’s the walk. I don’t like long walks. Now I walk about two miles a day. Yay.

Strangely enough, I find that I actually prefer to walk over taking the subway. I’m not really sure why, but yay for exercise and saving money. When it starts to snow… well I’ll probably change my mind.

Another obstacle in my commute is the train arriving late. I knew would happen sometimes but I didn’t think it would happen often. Well it happens almost every Tuesday and I get anxious about being late. I walk with my friend on Tuesdays and we’ve had to rush a couple times already. It might be faster to take the subway but once we made it to the school in about fifteen minutes. It was quite the accomplishment since it’s more of a twenty minutes walk, but it was not a fun time.

A lot of times I neglect the little things, but commuting has begun to make me see that they do matter. Wednesdays and are the best days of the week. Why? Well, I don’t have to rush getting to Penn Station and the train is empty when I get there and it’s amazing. It doesn’t seem amazing, I know, but just these occurrences make those days so much better. I’ll probably continue to complain about commuting and the new situations I’m getting used to, but at the end of the day it’s not that bad.

I am from salsa music and merengue.

Everything from bachata to cumbia.

I am from rice and beans every day,

From the typical pernil and pollo al carbon.

From the big pots of sancocho and endless platanos too.

I am from the loud shouting and tenderness of my family.

From the phrases that only we understand.

From all the maldiciones you could think of.

From the palm trees towering high above the beach.

From the coconuts and mangos falling to the street.

From the Cafe Bustelo at 8 in the morning.

From the rooster waking me at dawn.

From the torrential downpours and deadly hurricanes.

From the bright blue skies and horribly sunny days.

White sand beaches and clear blue seas,

And the cuchifrito man and his treats.

Summit

We stood together

Family

Hope shielded flaws.

Not him, he wouldn’t do that

We thought

I thought.

It was soon we would fall

Fall so far

Retrieval so far

We thought.

A loved one with a vice

Turned a family not so nice.

I stood alone.

Watched,

One by one

The strongest become weak.

Watched,

One by one

Friends become distant.

I stood alone.

A mirror cut those gazing.

End

Begin

Begin to realize

Realize what has become

Realize what is ahead

Realize strength.

Empowered

Invincible

No disruption too loud

No battle to rough.

I climbed back up

Today,

I stand Alone.