The free flow of words
Thoughts into vivid stories
To write was to live
Now, I am dying
No thoughts, no words, just empty
Mind: blocked and ruined
Put downs and drama
Consume my every being
I want to be free
Not about nature
So is it still a Haiku?
The nature of me!
If I could be a super hero, I think my super hero name would be “Comfort Man.” With the power to get comfortable anywhere at anytime. Let’s say if I was on a plane and it was about to crash, I would activate my super power and immediately feel my butt cheeks start to relax and my mind drift to frogs hopping to lily pads as the wings peel away and we plummet quickly to the ground. I’d have the ability to crush ice extremely fast so I can make that seven fruit daiquiri before the big game starts. The ability to stop a bead of sweat from falling down my forehead and suck itself back into the pore from which it came. The ability to make a Lazy-boy appear magically for any time I have to wait in line, especially at the DMV, so my bones could rest like a bear in the midst of winter. And most importantly when city hall would come to me to help stop that comet the size of Texas heading for the Gulf of Mexico, I would merely say “at least all of our cars will get washed.” Yes, I would be Comfort Man. So back ache and time crunching stressors beware, because Comfort Man is on the recline.
It is already 2:32 AM as I am beginning to write this monologue. Why do I stay up so late? What keeps me awake? I probably have been asking this question a thousand times everyday. Ever since I was in middle school, I always have been much more active at night. At night, I do not have to go anywhere–no school, no appointments, nothing. Yes, this is the only time during the day when I am finally able to sit back and to be myself, look back on myself, and speak to my inner self. For the past six to seven years, there has been a lot going on in my life; no matter how hard I tried, it ended up pretty badly. Everything that I wanted so desperately that I swore I would even die for, I could not achieve them. For the past two years, I have not been attending any school. I have been working all sorts of odd jobs. Wake up, take a shower, go to work. Wake up, take a shower, go to work. Last year in the summer, I finally came to think: what am I doing here? what do I want? Should I even bother to try anymore? There was only one good thing that I wanted to do, my pursuit in the career of MMA. But, I got a bad injury on my right knee and was told that I have to stop any exercise, for at least 3 months. I could not even walk because the tendon on my knee was torn, and the nerves were in bad shape. So, did all these stop me? No, I kept looking forward. When I am by myself, I sometimes picture myself as a man in the wilderness–I have the power to turn this vastness into a great city myself, or I can just leave it as it is. You know what, Kibae, let’s build a city. Your whole freaking empire. You might be in troubles sometimes, but there is nobody here who is stopping you. You are the only one who is setting limits to yourself. We still have a whole lot to achieve. So, let’s do it.
Often times, we are overwhelmed with so much information provided to us. We are constantly on social media: facebook, twitter, instagram etc. getting all these necessary or rather unnecessary information. Our brain needs some time to relax. I feel like it is necessary for everyone to give themselves some time and take a break. It could be for an hour or even 5 minutes of their everyday life.Put your phone on airplane mode and just have some “you time”. It could be during the beginning or the end of your day. I do it everyday and I realized it brings me inner peace. It is really not hard to find some time for yourself no matter how much of a busy person you are.
All my life I have gone with the flow. I do not feel like I have ever decided an important decision. I feel like I have given into all my choices without being completely sure. This habit can be seen in all aspect of my life. I live my life following what seems like a single path to my destiny. This is rather worrisome because I do not believe in destiny. I believe that most choice I made have an effect on my live. A single decision makes a drastic change on my life. If this is so then I really should give more thoughts and consideration to the decisions I make, but that is hard to do when I have no idea what I want my future to be. I guess before I fully decide what I want my future to be, I will have to keep going with the flow.
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If you ask me what is the best part of a day, my answer is the dark night. I enjoy lying on bed, exposing myself to the silence, to the darkness, to a sense of nothingness. I just love the feeling that I am the only living being in my little world, love the illusion that everything is in my hands, love the sense of liberation that I am totally disentangled from the others’ judgement and others’ expectations. At that moment, I am completely free. When I close my eyes, stretch my body and fly my thoughts, I breathe in my inner world, a world which even I am unfamiliar with. For years, I always try to explore the outside world, but sometimes I don’t even have a good understanding of who I am. The social self is the self in other people’s eyes, but not the self in my heart. I acted as the social self too long that sometimes I forget what I really am. Only in a dark night where even moonlight can’t go through, a dark night where all the chaos disappears, a dark night where nothing can distract me from exploring my secret world hidden deep under my skin, I can finally meet the real me which has been deliberately ignored for too long. She is wacky but naive, selfish but kind-hearted, rebellious but vulnerable. She is what I was supposed to be but somehow failed to be. I hug her, kiss her, tell her how much I miss her, and say goodbye to her, before another day is dawning.
Comments(26) 
I believe the most important thing in life is optimism, and I always try to follow this motto in life. It is a natural process how at many certain situations in life, we do not exactly achieve what we wish for, or face a situation which we dreaded or least expected. for example, we often get bad grades in academic courses or have misunderstandings with a person we love dearly( breakups maybe? 😛 ) . These are situations when people feel completely heartbroken and failed . we, as humans, tend to lose confidence in ourselves as we feel we are unable to achieve anything good in life. but little do we realise, that this mentality actually hampers our future activities as well. the fact that we failed once, makes us weak and leads to many other failures. but do we deserve that? Absolutely not. If we possess the quality of staying positive at all times in life, regardless the severity of the situation, then we can achieve everything in life.when we could not achieve what we we wished for, then we had to strengthen ourselves and inspire ourselves from within to move forward. we couldn’t get an A this semester? fine, ill study like crazy to get an A next semester!- this should be the type of mentality we should have!
well, yeah i used to have so much enthusiasm that always kept me alive. I was not afraid of anything and I was the center of my world. i could see the delighted confidence in my parents’ eyes when they looked at me. I didn’t really think about the reality stuff: money, stable future, and other people’s eyes. But, now as a grown-up, I can see myself too confused and too weak to step into the real world because i didn’t learn how to give up my dream yet. Every single night, right before i fall asleep having my eyes closed, i imagine these beautiful things that i have always wanted to do and that are almost impossible to be achieved in real life, and the next morning as i wake up i see these frustrating real life problems that criticize me to be realistic. Meanwhile, my life ceaselessly continues and never even lets me pause for a second to rest agonizing over my paths. Even right now as im speaking, im wandering around to find a path that i really should go.
Does anyone ever wake up and say “Today, I will not have a goal” and actually mean it? I’m not talking about those personal days off where you step back from this frenzied chaotic world and indulge in personal pleasures. No, I’m talking about waking up knowing you’ve failed in life and you’re ok with it; where life has failed you and you’ve accepted it; where life becomes an acquaintance you wave ‘hello’ from across the street but don’t cross for mindless chatter of the nice weather; where life is no longer known in yourself; where it became a stranger that you won’t look him in the eyes if he bumped into you. I want to say I feel sorry for them, I really do. But I won’t, because I don’t. I envy them. I admire their bliss in goals and direction. How can anyone be given such a gift? I’ve never been so lucky. I’ve been slapped with responsibilities, fed formalities, bathed in ideals and Colgate my conformity. And you, you’ve been happy in that Nintendo t-shirt and purple vans. I want to feel that worn out joystick at two in the morning. I want to know what it’s like to be in a bar to socialize, not mute my life. Where the only time I ever face a monitor is to say my story, not to annotate and punctuate. It’s a secret, I guess. One I wouldn’t understand.
