Monolauge

I was born with a guilty conscience. Whenever someone says they need to speak with me I always assume something terrible is about to happen, so when my principal pulled me out of my class I immediately began thinking things like am I getting suspended and oh no what did I do.

I couldn’t recall anything that had happened recently that I would be getting in trouble for so I was genuinely confused, and in turn, absolutely terrified. My stomach began twisting and turning. I just wanted to know what was going on. We were silent as we walked through the desolate halls of my school. We passed his office, which didn’t make any sense to me. And then I realized we were walking toward the library.

What the hell is going on?

As we entered the library I saw my mother sitting on the couch with both of the deans. I nearly threw up. Whatever this was about… it was serious. My principal told me to sit down and I did. As they began speaking, it was clear what had happened.

I knew that Tanasia and I weren’t in a good place, in fact we weren’t really friends at all at the moment, but I thought I could still trust her. She had always been my best friend. How could she do this to me, I trusted her. I trusted her. I trusted her. It was betrayal at its finest. I told her my secret in confidence.

When I told her, I knew she was upset. I knew that it was hard to swallow, but she never indicated that she would do this. Why would she tell them? Why? Why? Lost in my own head I lost track of what was going on in front of me. They all looked concerned, maybe a bit angry, but I couldn’t quite hear what they were saying. I caught bits and pieces… here and there.

“Cariahnna? “

I looked up. It was clear that I hadn’t been paying attention, a punishable offense.

“Cariahnna? “

“Are you okay?”

“Did you hear what I said?”

They were taking turns.

I can’t believe this is my life. Why me?

“I’m fine”

I looked back down. My mom grabbed my hand. She was crying.

“It’s not your fault. You know that right? THIS. IS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT.”

“I know”

But I didn’t quite believe the words that had escaped my mouth. There was a part of me that felt responsible. There was a part of me that kept saying well, if you wouldn’t have done this and wouldn’t have done that. I couldn’t look at any of them. They all knew. I’m sure my teachers knew too. The teachers know everything that happens around here.

Everyone knows.

I heard them going on about saving other people. I probably wasn’t the only one and there would probably be more. There was too much going on for me to focus on anything. I just wanted to leave. I wanted them to forget what they had learned.

“The decision is yours. We won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“I don’t want to do anything.”

I just wanted to move on, which seemed impossible now that all these people knew my business.

“Alright Cariahnna.”

They seemed disappointed, but I was relieved. The decision was mine this time. I said no, and it actually meant something.