I’d want to focus on how men experience, express, and cope with grief. The loss of a loved one is painful for anyone, but how do societal expectations of men affect their own experience of that loss? Both grief and masculinity are topics that can’t be directly or accurately measured in terms of intensity, but they are both issues that affect men worldwide, and the experience of each can either help or harm the individual in the long term. The idea that masculinity is somehow inherently toxic or inevitably leads to issues in the self or society is dangerous because it disregards the natural experience of men, but when society’s version of masculinity comes into play and influences what men believe they’re supposed to feel, think, and do, it has a far higher chance of leading to unregulated emotions and anxieties, especially concerning deep trauma like the loss of loved ones. These unregulated emotions can turn into anger, aggression, violence, and lead to a continued cycle of toxic ‘masculinity’ that manifests not only in the people that have experienced the pain, but through the people they influence.
I chose this topic because there are clear expressions of grief and pain in Earl’s music video, which can be seen from the scene of his roof bleeding, the tributes to his father, and the lyrics of the songs themselves. There’s also an evolution in himself through the video either because of his grief or influenced by it. I’m interested not only in how the relationship between masculinity and grief manifests, but also in how each idea can help the individual deal with the other when the necessary and correct steps are taken. It’s a very subjective experience, but it’s been greatly analyzed and researched because of its repercussions, and I’d like to explore some of the repercussions as well as the research of it.
- What is the relationship of masculinity and the expression of grief?
- How is grief generally expressed by men?
- How does society expect men to grieve?
- How is grief experienced by men?
- What is the masculine experience of grief?
- How are men affected by societal norms relating to men and grief?
- What happens when grief becomes out of control in men?
- What are the causes of negative relationships between masculinity and grief?
- What are examples of a negative relationship between masculinity and grief?
- What is the difference between natural and conditioned masculinity?
Keywords: Grief, masculinity, expression, society, expectations, experience, influence, losing control, toxic masculinity, natural, conditioned
Spaten, Ole Michael, et al. “Men’s Grief, Meaning and Growth : a Phenomenological Investigation into the Experience of Loss.” Vol. 11, no. 2, 2011, pp. 1–15.
The article speaks on the connection between grief and mental health, and why it’s important that such a connection is researched thoroughly for the benefit of those impacted by loss and trauma. The relationship between mental health and grief also has a physical impact, and affects women and men differently. The article says that “women are more likely than men to find meaning in the loss of a loved one”, and investigates these claims through a study done on three men who’ve experienced the loss of their spouse to cancer. These men are all similar in their background, and have experienced roughly the same event. There are several aspects this study and article aim to explore, such as the meaning of life, personal growth, self reflection and self esteem, etc, especially within the confines of the minds of the men being studied.
The study is meant to explore the world of grief within men by questioning the moments and emotions they experienced following the death of their loved ones. Each man described their loss in very similar ways, and experienced similar ways of coping as well. The conclusions that were made revolved mainly around the fact that these men all experienced an existential crisis through the blend of emptiness, loneliness, and anger, but by accepting the loss and changing either their lifestyle to their focus, they had found meaning in life, as well as a greater resilience in their lives.
I think this is really helpful for my topic because it’s several personal examples of men who’ve experienced a significant loss in their life, specifically their wives, and have had to find ways to deal with the grief and changes accompanying the loss. The piece has so much detail that it can be used to answer several questions, such as how men experience and express grief, what the negative effects of masculinity and grief paired together are, and how the men are able to cope with their loss through similar ways. The surprisingly personal and in depth descriptions of each of their experiences and conclusions are a great insight and resource into the silent world of these men. Although the study is done on a limited group of men that can’t be used to generalize how all men experience grief and bereavement, it helps to understand some basic ideas and connections between men and their emotions.
“Based on these findings, this study speculated that men may experience a greater ‘sense of meaninglessness’ in relation to bereavement.”
“It is interesting to note that even within the supportive context of the Cancer Society very few men were willing to discuss the death of their partner.”
“ Furthermore, some of the experiences and reactions they described included feelings of anger, sorrow, emptiness, fatigue, difficulties in concentration, indifference, guilt, apathy, fear of death, drowning, self-destructive behaviour and an ‘appetite’ for dying themselves.”
“The men described a lack of comprehension in relation to the loss.”
“Prince Harry’s grief and the torment of ‘toxic masculinity’ The royal regrets not talking about his mother’s death. It’s a common experience for men, one author tells Phil Robinson.” Times [London, England], 26 July 2016, p. 48. Gale Academic OneFile, https://link-gale-com.remote.baruch.cuny.edu/apps/doc/A459236048/AONE?u=cuny_baruch&sid=AONE&xid=3657b4f0. Accessed 30 July 2020.
This article speaks about the experience of Prince Harry, a British Royal who lost his mother at 12 years old, and his experiences with coping with the loss and the grief from it. The article also brings in examples of others, such as a man named Jack Urwin, and a millionaire footballer who Prince Harry spoke with, Rio Ferdinand. These three men all experienced a loss of either parent or spouse, and had to confront their own conditioning through time to resolve their emotions. Both Prince Harry and Jack were unable to speak up about their grief from losing a parent for over a decade, and regretted doing so after.
The article delves into the conditioning of boys and men into these robot-like figures that are unable or unwilling to express emotion due to them seeing it as a sign of weakness. When a parent fails to show emotion towards or around their child in a healthy and normal way, the child takes on the characteristics of inexpression and continues on the cycle of toxic masculinity. Men who grieve often stay silent because of this, festering negativity within themselves instead of letting flow out. An exception that was mentioned was Fernandes, who was able to speak about his loss and cope with it in a healthy way.
This article gives an insight into the world of three men as well, much like the other one, but this time dives more into the hereditary side of things rather than the grief itself. This is another angle that’ll definitely help me to explore questions such as what is the difference between natural and conditioned/toxic masculinity, what society expects from men, and how these expectations are internalized in them through the generations. Although the article is a lot less detailed, it stresses the importance of seeking solutions to the constant cycle of toxic masculinity passed down through the generations, making it a bit more practical. The article also gives examples of parental relationships and loss, which is more directly related to the music video and the topic I want to focus on, although grief in general was the question. It adds another realm to the different forms of bereavement that men deal with, and it might be interesting to see how each affects the men differently.
“Sometimes it feels easier to ignore our grief or push it deep down inside us than to actually confront these emotions and accept how hard we’ve been hit.”
“His conversation is still punctuated with jokes — “I just mask it all in humour” — but you can sense Urwin’s anger that boys are still conditioned to believe that admitting to fear, sadness, or suffering is weak.”
“Our ideas about what it is to be a man are hereditary”
“As a result, he says, his father wasn’t good at expressing love and he never saw him cry.”
