After listened to “If I told him”, the Gertrude Stein’s portrait of Picasso, again and again I found myself frustrated because I could not understand what she is trying to do. Then I rewrite slowly in my home this continuous repetition of nonsense and I realized that I’m still not getting her point. But then one thing passed through my mind: “If I write it”, or at least trying to make the same process to do a similar thing so then even if I could not understand her point, I could feel it. Therefore, I tried to do a similar thing in order to feel how it feels how it feels.

 

If it’s beating so I’m living, if I’m living so it’s beating

If I’m living and it’s beating so it beats for living

and if it beats for living, I’m living for its beating

Because beating and beating makes me living

and if I’m living so it’s beating

One step, two steps, and a third one and it is still beating

Continuously continuous its continuity

and will continue for my living,

if it won’t continue as is continuing now

will not beating and beating so I won’t go on living.

Strong

Fragile

Repeatedly

Unnoticed

Noisy but in silent

Is it continuously beating? So, am I living?

Because if it’s not beating I can’t live and

If I’m not living, I won’t continuously live to make it beating

I’m afraid,

Made me stronger, but I can’t stand it anymore

Because living just for beating is not a real life

but if it’s not real how could I beat just for living?

Nonsense, illogical, absurd, causeless

But it’s important to know the rational motive of its cause

Now I’m leaving while am living while am beating

while am beating while am beating

Is not a tic tac, but has the same pattern

in its continuously continuity

Pressure

blood

arteries and veins

oxygen

and is still beating

I don’t know how to feel, how to understand

or how to understand how it feels

but I know that I’m living, so I know my heart is beating

and if it’s beating so I’m living.