Who are you? Who am i? What was i?!

1. How would you begin the process of recovering your memory? Who would you turn to, where would you search, and how would you proceed?

After being diagnosed with retrograde amnesia, i didn’t know what to do. I cannot remember a thing about my past. I really don’t want to be stuck forever in the present and future. Being who i am had to do with what i was. I woke up from this condition to people i didn’t recognize at all. They were really happy to see me alive and that gets me excited. However, who are they? Were they related to me? I also woke up to see posters and “get-well soon” cards? They were lovely words by people that cared for me; again, who are they? and who am i?

My mission is to direct my first questions to the first people that surrounded my bed. It was my “family.” After making me aware of who she was, my mother is definitely reliable. My mother would be the first person i would look for answers.  She seemed to look most concerned about me; so i guess she would know a lot about what i was. From the “get well soon” cards i received, i would ask my family if they knew those people and how can i meet them? An important individual is definitely the doctor, i am sure he has some pretty good ways for me to try to understand this present of mine, and how i got to it and what information i can look for to explain my past. I want to relive my habits, my favorite foods and drinks, my favorite hangout places, my favorite books, artists, music, etc. I also wanted to see my old memories in photos or videos because it might give me an idea of what i used to be and whether i want to continue that way.

2. Please describe the emotional journey you imagine you would be going through as you attempt to reconstruct your life. Imagine the feelings you would have.

Everyday i woke up to feel devastated. “Family and friends” would come to me day by day talking about the memories. I loved seeing their smile but the feeling inside me was overwhelming. It was so sad that i wasnt able to remember any of this fun. If i had a personal debt to someone for something nice they did for me, i cant pay them back because i dont remember them doing anything for me. Those surrounding people that i once had much in common with, no longer existed in my picture; i couldnt get their jokes, i couldnt remember the places we hanged out in, i couldnt remember the nicknames we called each other, i couldnt remember their birthdays OR MY OWN BIRTHDAY! I couldnt even remember why a birthday was such a big deal till they explained it and showed me all those past memories in video and photos. Why cant i remember anything?!

I feel empty and nothing to live for

I woke up to a present where I’ve lost everything i adore

They try to remind me, but i remained a closed door

Calling for my memories but they look at me and ignore

My desperate voice speaks, “mom, why cant i remember you anymore?”

Just take me away and throw me to a forever moving shore

I’d feel useless if i’m not saved by some cure

I guess, like they say, nothing comes easy, that’s for sure

Im going to probably live a life feeling insecure

But for now i have to move on and begin to live something new and pure

3. Suppose you were able to pick and choose the memories you wanted to recover from your life. What types of memories would you choose to retain and what types of memories might you decide to edit out of your remembered experience? Positive, negative, painful, happy, angry, frightened, etc. Please elaborate and explain some your decision making process.

I been going through so much for the past couple of years. I been using this amazing medication that has made a path to a brighter future. Trying to remember as much as i can and editing my life like an essay; cutting, pasting and deleting memories. After the amazing efforts by my friends and family, i was able to remember a lot. Sometimes i just remembered things by looking at objects, pictures, places, clothes, foods, drinks, people, etc. Memories like trips or vacations with family and friends, i wanted to forever remember and keep. Remembering the fun we had those times makes me feel like i relived a thousand years. Moreover, high school! My friends actually took me back to our old high school and gave me a tour to every teacher we had, every classroom we were in and all the fun memories we had in those places. THEY GAVE ME BACK MY MEMORIES! Instead of going to the official prom, we made our own; the fun we had there was priceless!

Not everything was all sweet in memory, dark memories came along as well. Those were the memories that i cut out and tried my best to just delete them. I never ever want to remember the death of all the loved ones i lost. I also remembered a little about the people that betrayed me in harsh ways, i stopped myself and didnt allow my memory to go any further to remembering those things. I didnt even want try to investigate it from my friends or family. For the most part, i remembered all the good things that happened to me and i am very grateful for what i have. A choice i made is to stop hunting for memories and move on; you dont live forever, you only live today.