Hi, Grandma. It seems like I haven’t messaged or done a video chat with you and Grandpa for a while. It’s not because I’m too busy to have thirty minutes; sometimes, I feel depressed and I don’t think you would like to hear. It might be more appropriate to say that I don’t want you to suffer because you care about me and meanwhile, you can’t do things to ease my distress. My professor in school assigned us work which is to write a narrative essay, and I thought about you. Just in case you don’t know, “professors” are well-educated people who teach in college, and “narrative” basically means to tell a story. Raised by you, fed by you, taught by you, you are the one who laid the main melody for my life and is always willing to be the harmony behind my back. So take this chance, I will share something you never knew before and I’m sure you would love to hear.
First thing first, Baruch – the college I’m currently attending – is absolutely affordable, so don’t worry about the financial aspect. Not only did the school not charge me tuition, but it also offered me a scholarship. You can see scholarships as the money I receive for my great academic achievements. Let me guess: you’re smiling and proud of me right now, aren’t you? The money is entirely clean (I’m not involved in any gangster activities), and it’s sponsored by alumni (alumni are people who used to study in Baruch and have already graduated). But back to the topic, I only told you that I chose accounting as my major before, but I never mentioned the struggle I went through in making this decision. Yes, this decision was tough for me and along with it came pain, not physical, but mental. You know I love art and have devoted myself to it for a long time. Feeling a bit confused and lost in how these two are connected? Don’t worry; let me dive deeper into what I’m doing with art now.
Do you remember that I went to art class outside the school every week consistently since elementary school? Actually, I didn’t go through systematic art education starting from the elements of art, such as lines, color, and texture. But I do appreciate my freestyle learning back then, which lit the first flame of art in my heart and maximized my various nonsensical imaginations. I think this no-restriction would be one of the reasons you speak of my fuzzy art pieces even higher than Picasso and Van Gogh’s paintings (these two famous artists contributed amazing artwork to the world). Want to know how I feel about your over-praise of my drawing? One voice somewhere in my body shouts: “Don’t spoil her! She needs to experience negative feedback to grow! How can this kid make progress while staying in a bubble made of your sweet words!” Maybe you’re right, I was making progress little by little (my speech is so incoherent).
Here the trouble came: I naively thought I could make a leap – I jumped into the sketch world at around ten. Inspired by my brother’s girlfriend at that time, a professional art student (yes, I’m talking about the one who lives in the block next to ours, and my mom hoped they would break up), I signed up for sketching lessons in the studio she was in. Although the teacher there didn’t suggest I do so because I was too young to understand how sketching works, I thought my enthusiasm could offset the lack of understanding. Take it slow before you praise my persistence. I quit in the second year and it took a harsh real-life example to convince me that my teacher was right. However, during this unpleasant sketching period, I discovered that colorful and spontaneous things helped me concentrate. This realization led to my second step in art – watercolor.
Watercolor, as the name implies, is a combination of water and color. I feel it’s more accurate to describe watercolor as paint on water. Watercolor brought a splash of color into my black-and-white world. Even though I know that mixing colors can create different hues, I’m still fascinated by watercolor’s ability to blend colors outward with a water-dipped brush, allowing me to control the frequency and force of the color as needed. This creates a natural transition effect from the deepest to the lightest color and I enjoy observing the color blooming on the water slowly or quickly, which calms me down. Since I moved to live with my mom after elementary school, you might not have seen my watercolor pieces. I began with natural scenes and still items such as the starry sky, misty mountains, fruit, flowers, and buildings. I also started using salt, ox gall, and other media to make my work more stunning. Later on, cartoon characters and simple portraits became a piece of cake for me.
In the summer of 2019, which was a challenging time for us, I had to move to the U.S. since my visa had been processed (why am I saying this like a couple hahaha). Anyways, once we were settled down, I found an art studio near my home and continued pursuing art. This studio is the one I’ve said multiple times in our Saturday-night-and-Sunday-morning video chat that I just came home from art class.
Now that you’ve read so far, you might be wondering why I chose the business field if I love art. Yes, I have no doubt about my passion for art, but I’m good at and enjoy playing with numbers and money. You and Grandpa were surprised that I could count money adroitly as a child, probably even better than my thirty-year-old uncle. I don’t know; there seems to be a path open for me imperceptibly. The straightforward thinking mode appeals to me, and I don’t need to flatter or scheme to get things done. Finishing my work correctly and justly is enough. While this might not be completely feasible in today’s society, it’s what that small kid thought about accounting and the whole business world. With my parents’ business experience, I felt strongly that I should choose business because it’s my “mandate of heaven.” Once I had a basic understanding of business and careers, I had a picture in my mind of working for a big company and wearing a name tag with “Accountant” under my name.
Business and art are like Norway and Argentina – one is the northernmost and the other is the southernmost. I love both fields equally, making my decision harder. Draw lots and rock-paper-scissors were not effective here, and I know no one could help me decide except myself. I didn’t share this with you not because I don’t trust you as I did when I was a child, but because I know you will support me regardless of what I do, and I didn’t want to burden you unnecessarily. I’m sure you can relate to me because my situation at that time was the same as when you were in the hospital for surgery: we both hid something.
My choice is evident since I’m currently studying at Baruch. However, it’s impossible to say I never feel regret that I didn’t choose art. I’m always curious about what my life would be if I were an art student at Parsons, SVA, or Pratt. Would I be doing handwork in class time, visiting museums or art exhibits with fellows, and exploring the diverse genres of art? I don’t know the answer, but I can’t stop imagining it from time to time. When my friend from art school asked me why I hadn’t applied, I lied and said that preparing my portfolio would be too much work in too little time. But the truth was that I was eager to make money from my art, and I was afraid that I might not be able to do so. While I had a year left in my junior year to prepare my portfolio, I was worried about whether my passion for art could actually support me financially in the future. Many people say that artists die of hunger and poverty, and while that’s exaggerated, there is some truth to it. Despite my willingness to take risks, I hesitated to devote the next ten years of my life to a career that might not pay off. Compared to a stable career like accounting, being an artist is less certain and more abstract.
In the end, I decided to pursue accounting, and the email I received about my acceptance into the Dean’s Scholar Program at Baruch College sealed my decision. As I stated previously, this program offered tuition-free education and an additional scholarship, making learning accounting a practical and financially secure choice.
Sometimes I feel guilty because art never lets me down, but I gave it up first. However, these negative thoughts tend to arise when I encounter obstacles in my life, such as being late for class or getting an unexpected grade on a quiz. It’s in those moments that I start to question whether accounting is Mr. Right for me. But in reality, I connect these unlucky things stiffly to make myself regret and let my major take this responsibility. The causal relationship is reversed – I am the root of all evil. You might be confused about what I say here, it’s normal, I learned this concept from the book The Courage to Be Disliked. All you need to know is I’m capable of figuring out the answer myself. Whatever direction I choose to go, every step counts.
You always say you didn’t receive any education due to many reasons, so you want me to take advantage of higher education. I listened and kept going on this path. But when I say that you were born in the wrong century–your integrity, motivation, and persistence won’t fail you. You listened and shook your head with a smile. When I buy you new clothes, you say you’re too old to wear them more than a few times. But every time we pass my favorite bakery, you insist on buying me all kinds of bread and pastries. I even wonder if you secretly own the bakery! I tell you that I have plenty of opportunities to eat in the future, but you retort I should enjoy the moment. You are always happy for my happiness and sad for my sadness. But please, do what you like and don’t worry about me. I’m no longer the naive girl I once was. I can order food in restaurants, I can talk to people from different backgrounds, and process all my feelings to make the correct decision for my life. Since I’ve chosen business, I’ll cherish this chance to study hard. Art will still exist in my life as a hobby, and I’ll always appreciate its beauty. My life is balanced well now, and I hope the balance of your life can shift more towards your own side. I promise you I’ll take care of myself, but in exchange, you need to promise me that you would take care of yourself as well, and guarantee I can see my healthy and happy grandma this summer when I’m home!
