- In certain cultures, people use the power of faith/religion to justify opinions on social issues such as abortion.
- Based on my personal experience attending both public and private Catholic schools in the U.S. and a private Christian school abroad, I feel that religious private schools promote uniform ideas, and hinder students from expression as well as formulating their own opinions.
Thesis Statements
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I think that your 1st thesis is pretty much clear about what you are going to say, it is more specific. You kept it short and sweet but this is also a broad topic to debate over. Your 2nd thesis, it doesn’t seems like an attention grabber because it gets boring when a thesis statement is this long. Try to make specific by narrowing it.
Both statements seem solid to me. I think it would be cool if you combined both of the thesis statements into one more powerful message, as you have relevant life experience. I also think it would drive home your message if you spoke on how your experiences at different christian schools around the world began to influence you or your friends ideology on these highly contested issues such as abortion. I think it would be very insightful to hear how your experiences in other countries compare to your experience at Baruch, and to find out if religion and other subjects in that general arena are covered or approached differently.
Lian,
The second seems a more specific version of your first, so I would encourage you to go with that. If you use your personal experiences, this could be a very interesting exploration and essay. I would suggest to try to narrow this even more by focusing on a specific area, or belief system, that the Christian schools try to compel from the students.
If you cannot use personal experience, then it will probably look more like a research essay (and remember, you need to focus on the power play itself).
Your first thesis statement seems underdeveloped. There are still questions remaining like who are the certain religions or cultures and how are they justifying their opinions. The second thesis is much better than the first. A thesis statement is basically and outline of what your essay should be and I think you clearly articulated each part of your essay in this one statement. You also established your credibility by pointing out different Catholic/Christian schools you attended. You also stated a clear position on this topic about how you feel private religious institutions hinder growth of the mind.
-Sumaiyah Ali