critics – Yu Han Wang

Hi Danny,

Thank you for sharing your story.

My main feedback for revision revolves around the beginning of the piece.

It might not be a bad idea if the first paragraph got shortened a bit. I understand it’s being related in the very end but it’s not so relevant to the main storyline though.
“During the pandemic, I opened a sealed box of Pokémon…” might be a bit too “bored”, and a too direct drive into you starting a business, adding a bit more details before it, to introduce it will be great. Possibly you could mention the reason why you ended up collecting Pokémon cards previously since you used the turn “brought back childhood memories” and “getting back into the Pokémon world.” You could even relate it to your first paragraph about academic stress, how school might be taking up most of your time, etc.….
Back to adding more details before “During the pandemic, I opened a sealed box of Pokémon…”, it could even be where you got the card, what’s that specific reason/moment/timing that makes you go get the card or was it some gift from others. Just that reader could have a better connection about your business developing journey.

Some other feedback

I like the title of this writing, “Thinking Outside the Box”, how collecting Pokémon cards could be a business as well which most people don’t think of, especially from the POV of the parent. Therefore, the part where your parents’ worries changed into trust and support is a great transformation.
Overall, the story is very interesting, and I am glad that you’re generating money from it, but a bit more details on how a transaction was done, or some fun stories between you and your customer, or specific struggles that you faced during the journey might help pull distance between you and the reader.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions relating to the above.

Regards,

Yu Han Wang

Hi Frank,

Thank you for sharing your story.

My main feedback for revision revolves around the structure of the pieces.

Begin with introducing what anxiety and paranoia are and when you started to have this feeling/condition is a great start for the reader to know a bit about the piece’s focus. However, I found the story of NYU’s shooting very related, and it wouldn’t be a bad idea if this writing started with that section. It could possibly begin with “In early November, 20xx, I was at……. I have never felt as relieved and grateful for listening to my gut feeling before.” Another reason why I suggest this is how you begin to talk about how anxiety and paranoia help you avoid potentially dangerous situations and pick up social cues, you could relate to the shooting incident at the end of the writing where you began to appreciate anxiety and paranoia. Additionally, it would be a great idea if you exaggerate a bit on how you found out the shooting happened, and maybe talk about how it expands on social media/news articles that were all pushing this incident….
By the way, I love all the examples you’ve given riding the roller coaster, going hiking, driving, and buying bags that have zippers. These examples are easy to relate and the order it was in is great, from what most people might be anxious about, roller coaster falls apart, to issues that people might not care about, not everyone worries if bags have a zipper.

One minor suggestion:

Creating a stronger relationship between your mom poked fun at you for your fear and how your mom left the TV on CBS News typically. I mean, the purpose is not to blame anyone but just a small conflict there.

I really like the story and feel free to contact me if you have any questions relating to the above.

Regards,

Yu Han wang