ASSIGNMENT 1 REVISION TASKS:

 

Task One: Revise your introduction. Get into the meat of your content and topic and engage the reader from the start with context.

I revised my introduction and got rid of the unnecessary details. In my intro, I got a little more specific about what I was trying to say (“The experience between users and social media, is associated with a negative connotation. This connotation is often touched upon by various sources such as TV shows and music artists. Social media has began to erase the authenticity out of the life of users and integrate a sense of falsity into their lives”). In my intro, I also talked more about my claims and the claims that were found within my two cultural artifacts. I also drew a more clear point between my two artifacts (“Both artifacts make a commentary on the dependency of users to feel socially accepted. The two artifacts also illustrate how users of social media become accustomed to conforming to society’s idea of perfection, and fail to appreciate what is right in front of them”).

Final Note: In order to recover the Quality of Writing points, I made a more specific claim in order to keep my intro clear and concise. After revising my old paragraph I realized that some of my sentences did not make that much sense and did not really have any context behind it. However, I believe I should be able to recover the points because I have offered an idea on what the two artifacts were going to discuss and how the two artifacts related to each other and my own claims, making a more clear and concise introduction to the rest of my paper.

Task Two: Review your phrasing- be direct with your reader and own your claims.

In a lot of my paragraphs I noticed that I wrote “could” multiple times. To fix this I decided to strengthen my claims and make it solid. I took out the “could” to make my sentences more definitive. Additionally, I changed my fourth paragraph to only describe the plot (“In the beginning of the episode…) and I made my fifth paragraph all about my claims and analysis of the describes scenes. Although this does not really have to do with my phrasing, it really helped me to make sense out of my claims. In order to be direct with my claims, I explained some sentences that may have seemed unclear at first. For example with the sentence “It could imply that users are now being controlled by other forces and no longer live or feel for themselves” I added several sentences explaining what I was talking about. I also added an additional scene that made the paragraph more understandable to readers (“What Black Mirror is trying to describe is that as social media becomes more dominant, users are becoming more like robots…”)

Final Note: I believe I should recover the points because my paragraphs and claims are clearer than before. My claims sound less repetitive and are now supported with additional details that I believe will help with my overall thesis. I’m also a lot more direct with my reader and my claims are no longer vague.

Task Three: Sharpen the depth of your points and uses of examples throughout your analysis.

In order to sharpen the depth of my points, I added a deeper analysis to a lot of my details. I also explained them a bit more so that it would make sense to the reader. My points are now backed up and supported by the analysis of the TV show “Nosedive”. I drew a clearer connection between my analysis of “Nosedive” and my own claims. I changed the sentence (“The connotation of this pastel world could be seen in comparison with a person’s social media account”) to (“The connotation of this pastel world could be seen in comparison to a person’s social media account, as they are both similar. A person’s pictures on social media are an equivalent to this societies colors and ratings. They both convey a message of perfection and would make any outsider believe what is being seen on the surface.”) I also changed the sentence (“The episode is produced in a world with pastel colors…”) to (“The episode is produced in a futuristic society….watching this episode makes the viewer want to see more and explore the truth of this society.”)

Final Note: I believe that I should now be able to recover the points because a lot of my points have been sharpened by adding more detail and analysis. I believe that my claims are much more clear and are properly backed up by my details. My analysis has also been strengthened by examples within the scenes and examples in real life.