Summary

Growing up I was never really comfortable enough to play sports because of the way I had physically looked. I constantly found myself being discouraged when it came to any sports since I was known as the “flaca” in my family. My passion was always there for the sport. I was just missing the biggest facet of it all was the motivation to get me through it. As the years went by I would’ve thought it would get easier with time to come out of my shell to do anything. Basketball was a step toward getting out of my shell and feeling a tad bit looser to myself. Esteem was rising. I wanted to take part in more physical activities in and out of school. During that time I thought basketball was going to the path that allowed me to be free. Little did I know what high school had in store for me?

It all started making sense in my freshman year of high school why basketball never worked out for me entirely. Like some, certain sports just make sense in ways most can’t explain. Before every practice, I would sit down on the greenest and spikiest turf right by first base to take a moment. The smell of the river, kids running around in the park, coaches screaming across the fields, the honking from all the traffic. As chaotic as all of it was, it felt like the quietest place to me. Who would've thought a place of quiet would be in the middle of a softball field? Being in that field made me feel as if I was the only one in it, the ease it would bring to my mind was like no other, while everyone else was nowhere to be found. Imagine finding a place where you felt whole emotionally, physically, and mentally all in one. Knowing I stepped foot on the field and felt that every single time I wasn’t going to allow myself to jeopardize that. With that being said student-athletes were always obligated to maintain a certain GPA to be on the team and play.

I was never good at math and having my trigonometry class as my last period never worked out well for me. Most of the time when we would have away games I would have to leave class earlier to make it on time, eventually causing my grade and overall learning within the class. I was falling behind and wasn’t able to maintain both my grades and practice at the same time. Going from tutoring every day after school and missing most of my practices was the most irritating feeling I had felt. Creating a routine for myself by putting aside time for my trig class was a priority I started to build rapidly as time went by. As much as I wanted to be at practice I knew the longer I had to spend time in class I would then have a better understanding of the topic itself. Prioritizing my education as much as I did with softball led to me continuously pushing myself when it came to school. Before I knew it I was back on track within weeks in trig class and balancing both was starting to become a system I was getting accustomed to.

Until there wasn’t a system to follow anymore... It was during my junior year COVID-19 hit and everything became a sudden blur to me. Along with many, a lot of people struggled with the pandemic and didn’t know how to cope with the idea of all the new guidelines that were set in motion for the city to follow. The school was immediately shut down and wasn’t announced to be back in session any time soon. Despite not being able to be physically present in a classroom or school in general that also meant pausing my student-athlete part as well. Which had to be the most dreadful side to it all, while working my way up to becoming a student-athlete it was all instantly taken away from me. At that given time I didn't know how to react to the new “lifestyle” I was eventually going to have to get used to. The idea of not being able to go out and not play anymore did not sit right with me in any way I tried to put it. Losing the game in my eyes wasn’t based on the physical aspect of me being outside and playing but losing the space where I was willing to let loose to express my feelings through the game while being myself without having any insecurities. Covid created this new world where I was used to not socializing with others anymore, it allowed me to have way more time on my hands than I had ever had. All the built-in emotions combined with frustration, sadness, and discouragement all ate me alive. Speaking about how I felt was something I wasn't used to and didn’t know where to begin with.

Learning to cope without softball was a journey I didn’t want to go through anytime soon. But I had to start somewhere, I never really liked writing in school but for some reason, it became one of my best coping mechanisms. I had this one green composition notebook that I never used for school but one day I opened it and couldn't stop writing. The pen just wouldn’t stop moving, my fingers were always cramping, and my palms were sweaty. Every day would be a different day of feelings being put into the book. It helped me more than I would've thought. Finding another outlet to pour my emotions into and being able to feel the same relief I did on the field was my biggest helping hand throughout the pandemic. As time went on I eventually got my journal to vent on, yet I started realizing the overwhelmedness I felt during the season before school ended was all the cramped emotions I never let go of. So finding a consistent way to help me channel that elsewhere relieved a lot of weight on myself I didn't know was there. Nonetheless, the pandemic did take away a chapter of my book that I couldn’t have pictured finishing high school without. But on the other hand, it allowed me to work on myself mentally without having to rely on something else.