I take my family for granted very heavily, and I find them to be the reason for how I am and reflect on situations. Growing up till the age of ten, I was an only child with both parents till the age of four, then only with my mother for the next couple of years. In my mind, my main mission was to be strong enough only to take care of my mom and me after my parents’ divorce. She was of course the strong one, and in my head, for a four-year-old child, I was doing the best I could even though looking back it wasn’t a very good job. Since it was just my mother and me when I was growing up, I would usually be at a very close friend’s house of my mother since I didn’t have any real family. Luckily my mother was very close to some of her friends and counted them as a family that I could stay with whenever she was working. I’ll always appreciate the amount of work my mother did for both of us. In school, I would hear people talking about having siblings and I always envied them for having the opportunity to say such a thing. When it came time for me to talk about something I wouldn’t have anything interesting to say since I had no other siblings to bring up or raise my hand for certain questions that only targeted people with family members. My mother did the best she could as a mother but there are certain things you would like to talk about with your brother or sister, or anyone else besides your own mother.
A couple of years passed, and my first brother would be born in 2014. You wouldn’t understand the enjoyment I had when I first found out about the news. I had so many expectations for the way I was going to behave, treat him, and try to be the best older brother someone could have. I didn’t realize it at the time but in my head, I was trying to never make them go through what I went through. All those days of not having someone to talk with about what really happened in school or someone I could simply talk with that understands what I mean. My mother of course was there but she wasn’t there as a friend to talk with emotionally or someone who had time to talk with as well. I wanted to become that person my brother comes to when he has any issues, or if he needs any help with anything I’ll be available any time for him. Every time I see my brother, I see myself and try to do things I wish I did when I was younger.
Three years later my brother and I would have a little sister. I was finally getting that feeling of being in a family or having a full family that I must take care of. I gave myself more responsibility since I’m the oldest. I’ve always wanted to have someone older than me to talk with but now I’m the person they’ll be talking to when they are involved with a problem or need any advice. Having someone to talk to other than your own parent gives you such an opportunity to talk freely about anything without having to judge it, in any way a parent would. My mother brought this up to me shortly after coming back home with my sister, “You have to be the role model for them since you’re the one they look up to now”. The idea of my siblings replicating or following the way I am as a person wasn’t something I liked at all. I don’t believe I could be a role model for them because of the way I socialize, my terrible eating habits, or my behavior. I don’t want them to learn from me right now because I don’t think I’m in the best condition or state to be looked at as a role model. Once I slowly started to realize that I really was going to be the person that they looked up to now, that pressure became very tense and heavy on my shoulders. I slowly started to overthink heavily about the situation, and I tried to distance myself from my family to figure out how I could be an inspiration for them growing up. Eventually, I realized that I’m getting wrapped up in my own head because the same people I’m thinking too much about are the reason why I am a happier person. Those two have become the pure motivation to keep going, and a key point because I need to accomplish something for myself and for my family.