Please read the sample student essay below and comment on one strong point about the essay or one point on which the writer could improve. Please be specific in regard to what you reference about the essay.
8 thoughts on “Blog Post #14: Critique of Sample Student Essay”
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I noticed that she used a quote in the intro and I’m not sure that was effective, I think it would have been better if she used her own words. I also noticed she said “where” instead of “were” at the end of the second paragraph. I personally don’t like that she’s saying “In this essay, I will… ” blah blah. I think it would have been better if she simply introduced her topic, it would be been more professional. That being said, I think the essay sounds rushed. Although, I like her topic and her credibility of having experienced this dilemma herself but it would have been better if she took the extra time to write this essay.
I liked how this student started of by asking a question and making it interesting from the bottom. Though, the essay needs revision because there are grammar mistakes that if they did not exist, the essay would be so much better and sound more professional. My take away from this is to make sure I give myself enough time to write my paper so it is not rushed or have simple mistakes that could be easily fixed with some revision.
I felt that this writer did a great job with the hook because it automatically grab’s the readers attention about plastic surgeries. The statistics the writer included from reliable sources makes the whole introduction much stronger and interesting. I also liked how they introduced the historical background of plastic surgeries and defining it. I felt like the writer could have analyzed a bit more the direct quotes they included but overall I personally found the essay and the research topic interesting.
The hook was quite capturing. I liked the way they talked about themselves in the intro and then came back to it in the conclusion. But I think they could have elaborated more on their conclusion, it kind of trails off. The intro also could have ended a little better. There are some grammar mistakes that needs to be looked over. I think they could have talked a bit about how plastic surgery could have effected people when it was first introduced. On the counter argument, the 1st sentence seems to have a double negative which is kind of confusing. And later on the same section, they mention the perspective is shortsighted but doesn’t explain why. Other then that, their evidence seems solid and proves their points.
When a reader reads any form of writing from another person, they always want to first know how captivating the writing is. In my opinion, i think the title could have been more captivating. The title was simple and didn’t have any creative idea on how to make it better. I have seen these types of title throughout, my writing journey. It didn’t seem like a professional title or college level. However, despite the simple title, the writer did a good job in creating a really beautiful hook that was able to grab my attention. In my opinion, i notice the hook was a 2nd attempt for the writer to revive himself after a simple title, and did a good job.
I liked how the student began his Argument essay by asking a question and I find that really effective because it grabbed the audience attention. Something the student could work on is to try to make the topic interesting when he’s giving the Historical background of the topic Plastic surgery.
I like how the readers attention gets taken as soon as you start reading because of the student asking what we asked for during our graduation. Personally, I didn’t ask for anything because my mom tells me living under her roof is my gift but it did make me stop and pause from the reading and really think about it, and that’s something valuable that should be used in other peoples essay. With that being said, I believe the writer had many grammatical errors that needed to be worked on, it could be because of them being nervous or it was possibly rushed. overall, the essay had a good story to it.
I liked how the student started off by asking a question then jumps into a hook that draws the reader attention. However I believe she is wrong with where she is putting her quotes.