Month: October 2017

Life is like a box

It looks full but is hollow

Don’t let it trick you

Baruch

 

Take things seriously stop slacking make it in life.

I don’t know man.

Met people a lot of people.

Change progress forward improvement.

Look back but move forward.

Deal with things as they happen.

4.0 that just recently got dashed by poli sci. Get a job.

Hit the books. Keep the scholarship.

Baruch needs a lounge.

I went to NYU and they have a den where a bunch of commuters get together and it was apparently a slow day and there were mad cool people.

Go to business school and learn that a lot of people who work in big businesses are moving towards tech anyway.

More free time but still the same high schooly feel

I don’t know to be honest I just play my music and keep it pushing.

Baruch’s a garden

Students come in as small buds

And leave as flowers

I should be alright.  I feel alright, you know?  Yeah, let’s do this, I’m ready for this shit man.  I’ll be fine.

Proceeds to walk to class.

Why do I feel like this? It’s Halloween, a Friday morning at 8:30 and here I am passing up my math exam.

Wait on hold on a minute?

When did I finish my exam, what class is this? I look at the time, then at the board, then at the teacher. I’m so confused.

I ask the dude next to me. Yo, Chris what the hell are we doing?

He looks at me funny, and tells me if I’m alright?

I notice the teacher looking at me, and I start wondering if I’m in the right class.

I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, I look directly at the mirror.

And I tell myself “Redwan, you are so high right now’.  

Early morning wind

Nature rushing by the view

Biking is my life

Soccer is the best

You kick the black and white ball

Soccer is awesome

Don’t you feel sometimes that you are on the edge of a cliff about to jump into a pool of endless possibilities but you feel a big pull that you fight every time with? There’s great stories about the people who jumped in before. If you ask them, they will certainly tell you all the things they accomplished, the learning experiences, and just bare feeling of it. You hear stories like these all time in the news or in social media pages. However, every time I find myself hearing one of these stories I asked myself the same question: How the hell did they dealt with the ever pulling fears?
If you do you ask how overcome them, people will list time after time all of my qualities, my achievements, my goals, my strengths. But thing is that they don’t see is the fear pulling me back more and more every time. Or maybe they decide to ignore it. Ignore the fact that the pull doesn’t see your achievements nor your qualities. The pull sees the impossible work, the disappointments, the consequences of failing, and your inability to do deal with the upcoming situations.
And even if I try my hardest, I can’t seem to get rid of it. You guys might think right now that I’m super insecure, which I’m probably am. But it’s more than just believing in myself because I know me. I certainly know my strengths, my achievements, and my hard-work. I don’t have amnesia. I remember all the work I did through high school to get here, to become the person I am today. The thing is when I picture myself actually jumping in, I see myself like a hamster in an exercise ball, working my hardest to achieve that goal, but for some reason never going anywhere.
Although there’s sometimes another thing that actually pushes me into the endless possibilities, and ironically it’s the fear about my future-self blaming me for the things I denied her. It makes me realize that I can’t let this thing pull me back nor haunt me. At the end of the day, it’s only my illusion.

POOL

Pool​ ​is​ ​very​ ​simple​ ​but​ ​difficult​ ​game.​ ​It​ ​requires​ ​a​ ​lot​ ​of​ ​skill​ ​to​ ​be​ ​good​ ​at​ ​the game.​ ​Despite​ ​being​ ​bad​ ​at​ ​the​ ​game​ ​myself​ ​there​ ​is​ ​still​ ​one​ ​thing​ ​I​ ​can​ ​do​ ​through​ ​the game​ ​every​ ​student​ ​should.​ ​I​ ​can​ ​get​ ​to​ ​know​ ​someone​ ​else​ ​better​ ​while​ ​playing.​ ​The game​ ​itself​ ​is​ ​secondary​ ​to​ ​talking​ ​to​ ​the​ ​individual​ ​and​ ​forging​ ​a​ ​connection.​ ​There​ ​are many​ ​games​ ​like​ ​this​ ​each​ ​with​ ​the​ ​ability​ ​to​ ​help​ ​you​ ​make​ ​connections.​ ​The​ ​importance of​ ​these​ ​games​ ​is​ ​a​ ​very​ ​easy​ ​and​ ​normal​ ​way​ ​of​ ​interacting​ ​with​ ​new​ ​people.​ ​It​ ​is​ ​way better​ ​than​ ​just​ ​walking​ ​up​ ​to​ ​someone​ ​and​ ​just​ ​chatting​ ​them​ ​up​ ​and​ ​a​ ​hell​ ​of​ ​a​ ​lot​ ​more fun.

All my friends in high school told me that senior college applications were going to be really tedious and stressful, and it did seem like it. I had senior friends in my sophomore and junior years who told me stories of writing seven or more essays for some of the top colleges in the nation, and it kind of freaked me out. But when the actual application period rolled around, I found that I actually had a lot of control over how stressful or not I could make the process. I wasn’t really interested in applying to a lot of Ivy League schools like Harvard, Princeton, or Yale as a number of my friends were. Rather I focused more on applying to colleges near where I lived, since I didn’t want to move away from the city. Many kids were surprised when I told them I dint want to move away, but I didn’t really see it as that big of a deal. The college application process ended up not being that stressful and for the most part I didn’t have to write more than one or two additional supplements for the schools I applied to. Meanwhile I’d often see some of my friends struggle during the process and complain about how stressed they were or how many essays they had to write by what deadline, and I just couldn’t relate. In the end I got accepted into most of my school choices and was satisfied with it.

My friends tell me I have no social filter in my words.

I always deny it but even my roommate of barely two months agree with them.

But these are things that I know that you all don’t care to know.

Well, the last time I gave blood, all they took from me was an empty tube and left me with the tears that fell on my face and the disappointment that dropped like a rock into my heart.

Well, of course, a boy broke that, and like in all typical love stories with no good endings, I never told him and I think he never knew.

But college means I am someone new, someone who should be better, do better than what I did before, but I’m still little old me.

College means forgetting everything I used to know and accepting the reality in front of me.

Sometimes it feels fast, thrilling, almost exhilarating.

But it is when night falls that all of it peels away.

It’s always the hardest when I’m sitting in the backseat of my parents’ car and the large skyscrapers are only getting bigger as I look outside the window. I can’t will myself to stop the car from moving because that’s not how life and well, gravity, works.

I miss my small apartment that’s only a borough away, but despite that, I miss the familiar taste of my parents’ scallion pancakes that I love so much, and the just-cooked smell of fresh dinner on china plates instead of plastic containers of food stored in the freezer like a snapshot momentarily brought to life by a microwave.

I miss the way my mother snores as she falls asleep on the sofa reading her Chinese romance novels that she borrows from the library.

And when she cries after a sad movie, I’m not there anymore to laugh at her wiping her tears away with a tissue, or hear my father try to comfort her by usually telling her “It’s only a story someone made up” in his dismissive tone of disbelief.

I miss the familiar hissing sound of the kettle boiling water on the stove, and how I am usually the one to turn the heat off to silence it.

But now I wonder when I’m gone, who will be the one to turn off the stove? Do my parents take turns or is it only one of them that does it now? Who does the other tasks that I used to do, now that I’m gone?

I miss how my parents are always still awake when I come back late at night, and sometimes my father goes out to meet me halfway on the street to find me. Nowadays, they’re so happy to see me when I come back to visit, but I can’t help but think this is only a fraction of what will be in the future.

But ultimately, I’m going to miss all of this.

I’m going to miss my youth, being able to smile and laugh until my cheeks hurt and turn red,

making such a commotion in the middle of the subway cart that everyone looks at all of us.

I’m going to miss the feeling that in our youth, we are seen as the people that we are, and not what we will represent to the outside world.

I’m going to miss feeling the warmth and familiarity that I feel now, and being able to forget that the marks we make will soon fade in time; the jokes we make will sink into the depths of the abyss, and all of this will be distant memories we long to hold onto. All we will remember is this moment, here and now.