There is no beating around the bush, I am still scared of college. Every time we need to review a quiz, go over a paper, or talk about a reading, I always wanted to put my head down. In math yesterday, even when I had the right answer, and proved it three times, I still felt the need to change my answer, just in case I was wrong. Even though I feel like I got the hang of my grades, I still do not feel like *me* when ever I do work. This winding road represents my fear of not being able to maintain control of my work. Like in my monologue, I want to keep moving forward. But I felt at one moment, either before college or during college, I lost my ability to adapt. Without it, not only do I have trouble adjusting, but my confidence dropped as well (which is probably the reason that I babble in Sociology). But I made great friends along the way that helped me look at my abilities better. Because of them, I know now that I still have this ability to adapt to my surroundings, but my initial fears of college caused me to lose sight of it.
I still have ways to go until I regain complete control of my work. I still procrastinate all of my most intense work until the last minute; I still prioritize my entertainment rather than study for an intense test; and I still believe that I should go to school the minute of instead of thirty minutes before. Though listing these problems I have with just waking up in the morning I realize that this will always happen to me unless I make new parameters for myself. I see the effort that all my friends place in their work, and I realize that the confidence that they have encompasses their work. For me to separate their effort, and their confidence for the amount of effort they placed in their work would be almost impossible for me, and yet for me to do this to myself is almost child’s play. In the previous paragraph, I felt that along the way I changed somewhere along the road. Though now I believe that I did not even start. Without confidence in my ability, how would I even be able to make the first step in changing? to assist others to the fullest of my abilities?
What I want to change is the way I prioritize myself, and go home finding my work more entertaining than games. What I want to find is my ability to adapt, so that I can look at a large projects, or a difficult subjects not with shock and despair because of the difficulty, but splendor and awe that I could adventure through a world that is brand new to me. I know that right now I am still scared of what is ahead of me because I feel abandoned by myself, but I know that this winding road will never end until I take the chance to change.
