Girl cycling with Butterflies.

What three months at Baruch has been like!

        It is amazing how quickly the first three months of college has zoomed by. I still feel like we were just over introducing ourselves yesterday. The days have passed by in a blur and I have gained so much knowledge that I couldn’t possibly have imagined possible. The picture that I am using to represent my experience at Baruch so far is one of a girl, cycling with butterflies. There are plenty of reasons why I chose this picture.

       First and foremost, as you will see the girl is cycling towards a destination. I can relate to this because ever since I joined Baruch I have been encouraged by my peers and teachers to decide where it is in life that I want to stand. Baruch has awakened in me the need to focus on where I want to reach in life and what should be done in order to accomplish it. Now, unlike before I worry about my future and I try to work towards achieving my goals so that I will be successful in the future.

    Second, the butterflies in the picture symbolize the progress that I have made in school. Butterflies aren’t just born as butterflies. They go through a lot especially when they are caterpillars. But in the end they make it to their final stage. Just like that I have made progress academically and socially. When I first started attending Baruch, I was an amateur. I knew nothing and I felt out of place. I worried about how I would do, what the teachers would expect from me, and, what kind of challenges I would have to face. But gradually, I adapted to the environment and started making good advancement. I was able to complete all my assignments, make friends, and participate in club activities.

             Thirdly, the colorful characteristic of the picture shows how Baruch has added color to my life. It represents all the people from diverse backgrounds that are now in my life. Before this first semester I had no friends and I did not have fun even though I was living in the most happening city of the world. But that has changed over the past few months. Now, I have friends who teach me how to talk in Hebrew, German and Korean, friends who make me sushi, and friends who like to take plenty of selfies! These people make my everyday life much more beautiful and different from how it used to be. All these different cultures and personalities of these people have really changed the way I look at the world now. I no longer have stereotypes about different countries and the people. I enjoy the company of all kinds of backgrounds and I think that is the best thing that Baruch has offered me.

 

 

There is no beating around the bush, I am still scared of college. Every time we need to review a quiz, go over a paper, or talk about a reading, I always wanted to put my head down. In math yesterday, even when I had the right answer, and proved it three  times, I still felt the need to change my answer, just in case I was wrong. Even though I feel like I got the hang of my grades, I still do not feel like *me* when ever I do work. This winding road represents my fear of not being able to maintain control of my work. Like in my monologue, I want to keep moving forward. But I felt at one moment, either before college or during college, I lost  my ability to adapt. Without it, not only do I have trouble adjusting, but my confidence dropped as well (which is probably the reason that I babble in Sociology). But I made great friends along the way that helped me look at my abilities better. Because of them, I know now that I still have this ability to adapt to my surroundings, but my initial fears of college caused me to lose sight of it.

I still have ways to go until I regain complete control of my work. I still procrastinate all of my most intense work until the last minute; I still prioritize my entertainment rather than study for an intense test; and I still believe that I should go to school the minute of instead of thirty minutes before. Though listing these problems I have with just waking up in the morning I realize that this will always happen to me unless I make new parameters for myself. I see the effort that all my friends place in their work, and I realize that the confidence that they have encompasses their work. For me to separate their effort, and their confidence for the amount of effort they placed in their work would be almost impossible for me, and yet for me to do this to myself is almost child’s play. In the previous paragraph, I felt that along the way I changed somewhere along the road. Though now I believe that I did not even start. Without confidence in my ability, how would I even be able to make the first step in changing? to assist others to the fullest of my abilities?

What I want to change is the way I prioritize myself, and go home finding my work more entertaining than games. What I want to find is my ability to adapt, so that I can look at a large projects, or a difficult subjects not with shock and despair because of the difficulty, but splendor and awe that I could adventure through a world that  is brand new to me. I know that right now I am still scared of what is ahead of me because I feel abandoned by myself, but I know that this winding road will never end until I take the chance to change.

I sit here in my cold messy room not giving a damn about grammar. So much work to be done yet no drive, no time… I think of all the texts I sent to my girl about fishing me out of this god forsaken hole, all she says is “if you can’t find an excuse to do your work, you should at least get some rest.” I brush it off, I’m going to skip physics tomorrow anyways. As I look around for some new instrument of procrastination, I see the box. I vowed not to examine its tentacles of desire until I finish my weeks work. I look away, NO, I will not tonight, its fucking 3:20 in the morning anyways, what the hell am I going to do with it. By now I’m just trying to build up steam to my paper, but the box is right there calling my name. I hover over it as an addict does its prey. My fingers cruise along the cold plastic. A Jesus design outlines the top. Funny cause I’m technically Jewish and this really isn’t my entity. Well technically I’m a deist and I don’t like the idea of religion. My mom hates that shit, always complaining about being closer to god, and living a life of meaning.  God, that woman gets on my nerve. Wait wasn’t I writing about something… OH YEA. I open it. The bastardized smell of earth and plant explode in a wave of ecstasy fogging my nostrils. My lips begin to wet. I look around for the RAWs I usually have hanging around. I put the plan into action spreading nuggets of oxidized gold onto a thin piece of unraveled scroll. My dentally hygienic tongue slides its way across the brown terrain, it feels like hours. Fire, such a beautiful sight. I crispen the edges with mans finest invention, finally a complete idol of beauty. The tip is now glowing bright orange, and the hot air courses through my athletic lungs. Deep breath. My eyes roll back and intake the magic. Hold. Hours course by as the cloud begins to simmer. Release. Mystical glitters slowly fill the boring room. The experience is over and I sit here a new man. My mind races to my paper. I peel the layers to this horrifying onion. Ideas begin to shoot out of my brain seemingly visual. The ticking of my keyboard a constant rawr in the atmosphere. My head so filled with information I have to put some on the side. Words translate to text, futility into reality, and blank white into beautiful series of black patterns. I’ll probably get a C.

My First Semester !

I only have about 3 weeks until I finish this semester , which was my first semester in college ..
I was scared as hell , before I joined college , I wasn’t sure I would make good friends, and I’m really lazy when it comes to studying .. so I thought I’ll be like the worst in class .. ,I also thought that the language is gonna be a barrier that I won’t be able to cross.  I never thought I could make it , but now that this semester is ending , I’m glad to say it actually went ok , it wasn’t great or amazing .. but it was really good .. I made some friends .. and to my surprise , I wasn’t so bad at class , that’s really joyful for me 🙂 ..

I’m still scared that I wont be able to improve my English , and to be make more friends and just to fit in overall , but I guess time will tell , I just need to let that off my mind now, until the right time comes, where I can think about it, with more confidence in myself .. ​

Thank you:)

 

Not sure if the picture shows when you click the link but .. here goes noting.

 

This picture describes me on so many different levels. The woman shown is fierce. Her facial expression is exactly what I do anytime I’m by myself. low frontal eyebrow, raised back eye brow, no expression in anything under my eyes. Most people tell me I look angry, half the time I’m not. Half the time I am angry at cheap clothes per say… like when I see a girl with rider boots that are too big for her calves, or when I see a pleather jacket. Those kinds of things make me angry. Some people call me bouje, maybe I am. I hate people who eat steak well done, or dont know the difference between forks. I can stand fake leather or cheap jeans. I dont tolerate fat friends or for my friends to have split ends. I dont eat left over pizza, thats disgusting. I don’t eat at commercial restaurant ever.I also have a really bad attitude when I dont get something my way. Its my way or no way. And this woman in the pic, you see how shes standing? thats the “Im that bitch” stance. I maintain this stance everywhere I go. When I walk, I walk a straight line, crowded place or not. Why? because its my destination that is the most important one. I am a princess. Move out of my way. I will not move out of anyones way. This woman in that picture looks like shes exactly the same as I am. One day I’ll be her. Fabulous, fierce with a 0 tolerance for nonsense. Thats me.

 

I guess the fact that I have to write my first blog post right now, when it was due February 11^th, supports my picture describing my first few months at Baruch. The only word I can think of is procrastination. I didn’t realize how challenging of a school Baruch was until I got to Pre Calc. It’s f*cking terrible, just like most of the courses I am taking. My main problem is that I cannot stay motivated to do anything. I will realize that I am slacking and try to get a grip on things. Then I get home and see my bed again. I repeat, and then I get home and see my bed again. That’s the worst thing that can possibly happen. I don’t get out of it. On the weekends, I don’t get out of it. While lying in bed, I sometimes even get visuals of how I should be at my laptop writing my next paper. But my bed tells me that working on it tomorrow is a better choice. Tomorrow comes and my bed speaks to me once again. I push my paper back to the next day. And just as you can expect, my paper is yet to be done and due in 2 days (my current situation).  Yes, as I write this I am having an anxiety attack on how I can possibly finish all this work before Wednesday. But I guess I will just have to figure it out. So to wrap up this post, I can definitely come to the conclusion that my first few months at Baruch have been extremely stressful due to my lack of work ethic. I completely messed up my first semester. “Don’t put off until tomorrow, what can be done today.”

 

 

Waking up to get to school for my earlier classes sometimes seems like the hardest thing about classes. Commuting every day and it take an hour or more sometimes feels like I am in hell. Next year I definitely plan to move so I can live closer to school or at least not have to take so many different buses and trains would be nice. So, far I have not had to many major problems with being late but sometimes getting the energy to get up at 6 in the morning is not easy.  Which is why I chose this picture to represent the time that I have spent at Baruch so  far. Since, I have to wake up so early I have to make sure that all my homework is done at night. On the days that I do start later it is a battle to make myself actually move and get up to do it since I decided I have time I can do it in the morning then I procrastinate sometimes I am still doing it on the train ride to school. If anything I learned that I need to break these new habits that I’m getting into and just enjoy college.

This meme perfectly describes how I have felt all three months here at Baruch. I started off the first month of the semester planning ahead of time when I wanted to get each assignment or paper done and lately, procrastination has become my best friend. My English professor has assigned us three papers thus far in the semester. That may seem like nothing, but he has such high expectations and is such a harsh grader that you really have to work extra hard on the papers. We actually have a research paper due Wednesday and this blog post is taking away from my time to finish my paper. But anyways, this paper was assigned to us well before spring break and Professor Hengel even warned us not to do this paper the night before or even just a few days before. Of course I didn’t listen and I just started writing my paper Saturday night. However, my paper is coming out pretty good. This picture is basically how I feel towards Professor Hengel and my other professors who warn us not to do an assignment such as a paper the night before. Sometimes the papers that you do at the very last minute are the best papers. I think this paper is worth 25% of my final grade so I don’t think waiting until the last minute to do it was the best idea but it’s okay right because you live and you learn? Sike. I know I will continue to procrastinate. Now, back to my paper.

This GIF of spongebob writing a paper perfectly describes my first three months at Baruch. I feel like when ever I have homework do I spend a billion hours writing the first word on the paper. Just like spongebob in this episode, I too procrastinate when ever i have homework. I leave everything to the last minute and all my work ends up piling up on me. I’ve done this ever since grade school, and I guess old habits die hard. I mean, im doing this last blog post one night before its due, I had plenty of time to do it, but I think it’s the feeling I get knowing that I don’t have much time that motivates me to do it. I like the idea of teachers giving you the work that is due in the beginning of the semester but it’s a tremendous amount of work if leave it all for last minute. I sacrifice my sanity whenever I have homework due, I lose hours upon hours of sleep and my social life goes down the drain whenever I cram all of my assignments together. I always tell myself that I’ll do my work in advance, but the world is tempting. I always have plans and no one wants to be at home when the sun is out. Even when the weather is bad, I end up watching movies or surf the internet the whole day. I feel like I challenge myself to see if I can do all my homework at one time. It’s a very ridiculous process, and just like spongebob I waste all my energy writing the first part. I feel like the hardest part of any class in Baruch is starting the work. Once I get a word or two in any of my work, I fly through it. My first three months at Baruch haven’t been life changing, but they have been eye opening to this problem that has been with me for almost my whole life.