What is emotional attachment? Emotional attachment “refers to the feelings of closeness and affection that help sustain meaningful relationships over time” (healthline). Certain early experiences and the way our caregivers raise us growing up evidently play an important part in emotional development. It can shape the future attachments we make with others, thus the attachment style we develop may either help or hurt us. Some may not have experienced a strong and secure bond with their primary caregiver growing up which leads to unhealthy attachment styles. They might lose their sense of self and rely too much on others, either for approval or just to function.
When I was little, I received a lot of stuffed animals. My favorites were pink bear and blue bear. They were twins and I always carried them with me. If I’m eating, they also eat. If I’m watching tv, they’re watching with me. If I’m sleeping, they’re tucked in next to me. One time my mom found them stuffed in my shirt because I wanted to keep them warm at night. I was so emotionally attached to these two inanimate objects and would even wake up in the middle of the night flipping the entire bed to find them. When we decluttered the room and I had to get rid of some of my stuffed animals, I always chose to hold on to them. I never let go of them and till this day, I still keep them with me in bed. They were not going anywhere as per my demand. I soon found out this was how some of my relationships with certain people were. I was emotionally attached to my best friend Madelyn. She was my pink bear.
I met Madelyn in middle school. Madelyn and I had all the same classes so we did everything together. We saw each other everyday, during school, after school, and on the weekends. Madelyn was my best friend, nothing less than a sister and we became inseparable. The first day we met, we clicked so quickly as if we were childhood friends. She never judged me and always made me feel happy. Even after graduating middle school, we ended up in the same highschool and friend group. With the same interests and hobbies, there was never a dull moment. We always shared laughs over stupid things that others would not usually find funny. She just gets me. I could already envision us being at each other’s weddings and our kids being best friends.
Madelyn was a little boy crazy. When she had her first boyfriend, I felt somewhat disappointed with how she prioritized him over me. In sophomore year of highschool, she liked a guy that didn’t exactly treat her that well. I would be jealous that he was able to get her undivided attention so effortlessly while I would constantly repeat myself or wait till she stopped talking to him. I would point out to her certain problematic things about him but she would shrug it off or manipulate herself into thinking it wasn’t that bad. I third wheeled every lunch time and even after school because I didn’t want her to leave and I catered to her needs. Whether that be physical or emotional needs like changing our hangout plans to help her see him or justifying her ignoring my texts or calls due to the fact that she would rather call and text him. I felt let down but I wasn’t able to do anything about it. I was too scared to bring up my feelings, fearing it would make her choose him even more over me. But soon, when the guy left for summer camp he ended things with her and she came back to me like nothing happened and I let it go. Sometimes love can be blinding.
Covid came and during quarantine, she was talking to another guy that was also not treating her well. It was the same pattern and I got a bit annoyed. I cared for her and only wanted what was best but she would not listen to me about the advice I told her. When she complained about him and felt worthless, I was upset she could not see the red flags that were so apparent. Everything I said went in one ear and out the other. The guy she talked to ended up having a girlfriend the whole time. He only kept her around for attention so she got even more hurt when she found out. For a week straight, Madelyn projected her feelings towards me. Any time I would try to be there for her, she didn’t make me feel appreciated because she was angry. It was so draining trying to comfort someone that wanted to be left alone. I did not know what to do without her so I persisted. Yet, more and more I felt disrespected and eventually we had our first argument. The fact that it wasn’t even one on one was frustrating. She did not want to face her problems and tended to ignore it, knowing she’s in the wrong so another one of our friends became the mediator. All I could say was I told you so. After a few weeks of the argument, we both talked seriously and reasoned with each other. But from then, our connection lost its spark and we weren’t the same as we were before. We would still hangout and be in the same friend group but something always felt off.
Halfway through senior year, Madelyn and a guy in our friend group, Brayden, started dating and became exclusive. All the prior problems and feelings I had, had resurfaced again. I had never felt more alone until now. On my birthday, I took the effort to plan and spend the day with them since they were my closest friends. We grabbed food in brooklyn, walked around, and went back to manhattan to get dessert and chill. I felt invisible the entire time and kept over thinking if they even cared about me. I’ve already brought up my feelings about being left out before and they continued to neglect me. Tears rolled down my face while I ate my dessert in silence, scrolling through my phone. They were too busy talking to each other to notice until I got up for the bathroom and didn’t come out for a while. After I grabbed my stuff and left, they chased and stopped me to talk. I told them what was happening and they apologized but it was clear that they didn’t genuinely care because a couple days after that situation, those feelings reemerged.
The rest of senior year was rough for the reason that they wanted more time together so I spent most days alone. Inevitably, I distanced myself from them and even then during graduation, they didn’t ask for pictures with me until I did at the last minute. The sadness continued to grow and carried on through the summer and first semester of college. I felt depressed not having anyone to lean on every day, to study with, or try new foods with. The blunt transition from being with someone everyday to harsh independence felt quite lonely and monotonous. I did initially meet a bunch of people but now in my second semester of college, the supposed friend group already fell apart and I haven’t really talked to any of the people I met. It feels like a cycle that doesn’t get better because I honestly just want to meet another Madelyn. Someone that I can hangout with every day and continue to make memories with, growing up and adulting together. But I doubt that would happen. I am slowly learning to enjoy my own company and not rely on others for my happiness but it’s hard. Days go by so slowly and there isn’t much I look forward to now despite having more free time in college. Part of me reminisces on those bittersweet memories but another part of me is grateful for the start of my new journey towards self love.
