There is always this push and pull between my calm/present mind  and my uncontrollable/chaotic one.  Naturally, it seems to want to run away on its train of thought.  This creates doubts, anxieties, and even random bursts of nostalgia.  However, awareness is the first step to slow down this train and make it come to a smooth stop.  Now that I know my mind is wandering, I have the opportunity to take action.  The second step is to bring my focus to the present moment and space I am in. To a state of just being.  This clears my mind to a point where there are now little to no thoughts in my head.  The train has come to a stop. The third step is to make it go where I want it to to go.  Following the tracks that the professor has laid out, my mind will go to a territory it hasn’t been to before.

If I ever leave my brain on auto-pilot, which often it is, here is the end result.  I forget about why I’m here in the first place.  Why do I allow myself to be bored out of my mind like this.  I’m in New York FRIKKIN City yet I choose to place myself here out of all the possible locations in this town.  I mean, I guess I need my degree to get a nice job, but how would I even know what career I want if I haven’t tried it yet?

Is this all school is?
I don’t even enjoy this,
I should have stayed home.

Chaos always finds a way into my mind.  Maybe it’s just entropy, but it’s certainly distracting.  Every time I try to clear my mind by focusing on the lecture I end up thinking about focusing on the lecture, instead of actually paying attention.  To actually achieve focus, I’ll have to do it through other means, that is to be as present in the moment as possible.  Since my body is here, I have to find a way to get my mind to do the same thing.

Ceiling lights flicker,
A man and a powerpoint,
We watch and listen.

I close my eyes.  One long and slow breath in, and one long and slow breath out. “I am here, I am present” I tell myself.  As I unfold the table from beside the chair, I notice the slight squeak that the metal parts make as they slide across each other.  I feel the thump as the table makes it way to its final resting spot.  It’s a comforting sound, one that reassures me that it’s not going anywhere.

Pen against paper,
Black ink making its mark known,
Class is in session.