Thank you all who joined with me for this week’s discussion board!
“Our Relatives Keep Bringing Their Dog Over. How Can We Stop Them?” This is the article that I selected from the Ethicist’s column in the New York Times, which is that the ethicists will help people to solve their annoyance. This article has about three stories but I want to specifically focus on the first one which is also the story in the title.
This visitor is uncomfortable with her brother-in-law and his wife bringing their dog over every time they visit her home because her husband and children don’t really like pets. She also thinks that both of them truly enjoy their company because they are always running around after the dog even though they are together. In this situation, she has tried hinting that they should get a dog sitter and leave the dog at home, but without success. As a result, this person is sad that they don’t want to invite them over as often because of the pet.
The ethicist advises this person to be clear and direct with her family about their discomfort with the dog. I like how the ethicist said “Instead, the approach you chose – avoiding tension by staying silent – is now driving you all apart.” which means that if you keep silent, your in-laws will never know your aversion and your relationship will become worse.
I like this article because my aunty recently got a cat and my younger brother is scared of furry companions (it’s weird, idk why but he just can’t). We used to go to her house and play games together but now it’s less. We tell my aunty directly that my brother can’t stay with cats and she understands it. I don’t think we have become less close, but the time we spend together has indeed decreased.
So here are your questions:
- If you are the visitor that has difficulty telling your family about your discomfort with the dog, would you tell them directly, or try another way.
- Do you think the ethicist’s advice is useful? Why or why not?
- If you are the person having the pet and your family doesn’t like the furry companions, what will you do? Just ignore it? Stay away from them? Give up pets for them? Or other actions.
I have mixed feelings about dogs: I like dogs, but I am afraid of them. I was bitten by dogs three times and the newest is in 2019. My friends often make fun of me that they’re not sure if I have more wisdom in my brain, but I certainly have an over-amount of rabies vaccine in my body than normal people. I agree with the ethicist because his advice is what I prefer and have always been doing. I went on some trips with people from the church, many of whom have dogs. Although they suggested I take it as an opportunity to make friends with doggies, they tried not to leave me to stay in the same space with the dog alone after knowing I have this kind of issue. So I would say if you don’t like dogs or are afraid of dogs like me, you’d better tell the dog owners first. I believe there will be a solution that works for both of you. Things will be more complicated if you say nothing and show this fact unconsciously.
As a dog owner myself, I am very aware that not many people will like dogs. I use to be deeply scared of dogs because when I was younger. I would 100% understand if someone would tell me that they are uncomfortable with dogs being around. Communication is key because I’m pretty sure dog owners will understand if someone is uncomfortable with dogs around. So I agree with you that if you are afraid of dogs or don’t like dogs, you can communicate with the owners first.
I have the same idea with you about dogs. Like when I see pictures online about dogs, I would think it is very cute but when I see it in real life, I’m quite scared of it. Especially when it bark at me, I would want to run away badly. If my family don’t like the furry companions, I would not adopt one because though having a pet can heal you in a large degree, when it past away, it bring a large degree of sadness. I don’t want to face that situation.
Sure! Most of my family members don’t feel comfortable keeping a pet in the house, so my cousin hasn’t had a dog and probably won’t have one, even if she loves dogs so much. I kinda appreciate what she did to “save” my family lol.
As a dog owner who is currently raising two dogs, I can empathize with your experience and feelings. Although my dogs have never bitten anyone, they have occasionally barked at strangers. When I meet people who are afraid of or don’t like dogs in the street, I make an effort to keep my dogs at a distance from them to prevent any discomfort or fear.
I feel sorry for your situation, to be honest, I used to have a lot of dogs in my neighborhood and in my village to protect me from thieves, and I had a lot of experience of being chased by a dog while riding a bike or on foot. I even fell down a few times but I knew they would be more calm if I fought them so they barked at me and I barked back at them lol. Now I am not afraid of dogs and I can keep calm in the face of their barking. I want to tell you that many dogs are kind and lovely. If you are afraid of dogs just because of your past experience, I hope one day you will realize the wonderful of dogs. 🙂
I have a puppy. That’s why I’m in a position to invite my friends to my house, and while most people adore and like dogs, sometimes some are scared. In that case, I understand them, so I lift my dog up and put them in another room, or keep them away. If I have to go to someone else’s house, I leave my dog at home. Because they might not like it. I think if you have a pet, you should give up and give up a lot of things.
I totally agree with you because I invite friends to my house and I have a dog at home. My dog is super hyper and always loves it when people come to our house. Some of my friends are scared of dogs and my dog would often chase after them because he just want to say hi. So I would have him pick him up and let him smell my friends first and put him into my parent’s room or something. I don’t bring my dog out often because he has a habit of barking all the time.
True, I agree that if you have a dog, you would need to give up a lot of things like time and money. Like a dog, you would need to take some time and take him out for a walk and you would need to pay for the foods and items that it would require. However, they pay you back with a lot of love and their life which is very touching. Especially dog is counted as one of the best friend of humans, they are very nice. People have different opinions about it, the only thing is to just take away the dog if they don’t like it.
I can relate to your experiences as a dog owner. When someone comes to my house and expresses fear or dislike of dogs, I take similar measures such as keeping my dogs in another room or holding them in my arms to prevent any discomfort. While owning a dog does require time, energy, and financial resources, I believe that the benefits outweigh the costs. Dogs offer unconditional love, companionship, and emotional support that can greatly enhance one’s quality of life.
I like how you solve this problem! I can see your respective in your answer about the puppy and I really agree with you. Although you have to give up something like in the article the pet owner might need to give up the relationship between their family, I still believe that having a pet is worth it.
If I’m the visitor, I will choose to have an honest conversation with my family, expressing my reasons in a respectful and calm manner. This approach is more likely to lead to a greater chance of acceptance and can help avoid arguments between us. I believe the ethicist’s advice is useful because the more you hold back, the harder it will be to say it later and will cause both sides to feel worse. For instance, withholding your feelings can make it more difficult to express them later, causing both sides to feel worse. For example, if you wait until after many visits to express discomfort with the dog, your family may think you are making excuses and do not enjoy spending time with them. For the third question, I actually had experienced a similar situation before. When my cousin and I first got a dog, my mom and aunt were hesitant because they believed raising a dog would be too much work for us. They even suggested we give him away. However, we refused and came up with a solution to keep the dog in a separate room or hug him so he would not come near my mom and aunt when they come by. Over time, they had more contact with the dog and eventually grew to accept him.
I can’t agree with you more. Your explanation of the ethicist’s statement “avoiding tension by staying silent — is now driving you all apart” is quite good, and you also give examples. It is true that if we don’t tell each other the real reason in some cases, it will cause estrangement and misunderstanding between us and each other. The story of your adoption of a dog is inspiring, even though your mother and aunt didn’t support it at the beginning, but you persevered and eventually got the whole family to accept your puppy as part of the family. Depending on the situation, I then speak clearly and directly to my family and friends about my needs.
Yes, i really like how you provide with evidence and explanation on the ethnic advice because before reading your response, my action to this situation is to keep silent because i don’t want to make it too awkward but after reading this, I was convinced by you because the longer you take to hold your feeling, the harder you will gonna say it out in the future.
Totally agree with you that waiting until after many visits to express discomfort with the dog might that your family think it is just an excuse. Sometimes they may sense your impatience but may not know it’s because of pet, it is not good for both of you if you don’t speak up.
In my opinion, if I’m someone who is allergic to dogs or I don’t like dogs, I don’t tell the person directly even if it’s a relative of mine, because I don’t think it’s a big deal if they have a dog with them, I still talk to them, I just don’t spend a lot of time with them. I’ll tell the other person in private about my condition unless I can’t stand it or it’s getting serious. I think the advice of this ethicist depends on the situation. If you do not let the other person know about some situations, it will affect the relationship between each other, but if you are embarrassed to refuse, it is also ok to reduce the time we spend together. If I don’t like something I stay away from it and interact with it less, but don’t complain or hit it (just examples).
Yes, that’s what I will do to, I will still act normal but just stay away from the dog, because having a dog is their choice and I don’t want to make any comment on their dog because in reality I really like dogs and If my relatives talk something bad about having a dog, I will always argue back. But I can really understand them since not everyone will like dogs.
Definitely agree! Whether you tell the dog owner or not, it’s really important that you speak or act in a manner that won’t hurt his/her feeling and further hurt the relationship between you two. But I would say you will likely lose this friend eventually while you reduce the time spent together, so it’s better to consider the whole situation, what’s prior for you, and then decide.
This is a difficult question for me to answer because I am a dog person. However, I have had some elders say that they do not like dogs. If I was in a case where I feel discomfortable with dogs, I think I would probably keep silents, I won’t tell them directly but I would do is stay away from the dog or not touch it. Since it might be embarrassing for the dog’s owner. But
at the same time, I believe that the ethnic advice can be useful because If you don’t express your opinion about something for a long time, it may become harder to say it later on. So I don’t have a sure answer for this question. If I want a dog and my family doesn’t like it, to be honest I will still but it because they will accept it eventually (True event) my cousin live upstairs on my house and they have a shiba Inu, my parents was against dog before, but when they met the dog, they have completely change their mind and they are in love with him now. Lol, but it actually really depend on different parents and situation, If my parents can’t accept dogs, I will give up pets for them because we live together, but if my relative talks negative about having dogs I will ignore them.