I think the writer did a good job of using sources to support some of her comments. However, there are a few statements she delivered that were present more as assumptions and opinions. Instead of using phrases that contain “sometimes”, “usually”, “some” and “might” when describing the issue or supporting a statement, the writer should use that opportunity to source relevant articles. There are times when the writer assumes that parents are acting certain ways when she discusses that parents get distracted from toy advertising and are not aware that they are feeding their kids unhealthy food. In this instance, the writer should include a sentence for example, which references a survey conducted of parents who earn less than the median income concludes that 25% are unaware of the harm of excessive fat consumption. The writer could also use the same process when discussing the lack of exercise that lower income children receive by referencing, for example, a study shown that lower income families on average work 16 hour days per parent, of those families only 20% of the children participate in after school athletic programs. This could be used instead of saying that most lower income families work long hours and cannot sometimes take their kids to the park to exercise. Overall, the writer did support most of her claims with facts from sources.
The writer is effective in showing the long term effects of childhood obesity in the United States. She made a clear distinction of groups that are affected on the basis of race and class. In doing so, she has identified groups that are at higher risk of being obese in the long run. I agree with Anna that words such as “usually” “might” and “some” may weaken the writer’s argument in persuading the audience. Nevertheless, there evidence used by the writer has shown there is a major problem with obesity in the U.S.
The writer provides a strong case on the growing issue of childhood obesity. She establishes a background on the issue and then lists the reasons why this issue needs to be addressed. The statistical data that is used, draws the attention of the reader to understand the seriousness of the problem. For example she writes that 59% of the $2 Billion that fast food restaurants use to promote their products , is used to buys toys and games for children. When I read that part I was astonished to know that such a large amount of money (more than $1 Billion) is spent on attracting children to fast food restaurants . The use of statistical helps the reader to understand the dramatic effect of childhood obesity. T writer also explains the social (self-esteem) and economic (future health costs ) harms of childhood obesity on low-income families which demonstrates the seriousness of the problem .
I appreciate that you used a lot of statistics in your paper, to show actual facts of how fast food restaurants target children, and the calorie intake per “kids meal” at various fast food places. I also really like how you linked obesity to the different challenges that children who are obese face in life. I think that what people need to think about is a lot of the long term effects – and as you mentioned and obese kid will feel very insecure about themselves and that can lead to academic focus and such. In addition to that, the health issues are also a big challenge. This is definitely an important issue that needs a lot of attention.
I think the writer did a good job of using sources to support some of her comments. However, there are a few statements she delivered that were present more as assumptions and opinions. Instead of using phrases that contain “sometimes”, “usually”, “some” and “might” when describing the issue or supporting a statement, the writer should use that opportunity to source relevant articles. There are times when the writer assumes that parents are acting certain ways when she discusses that parents get distracted from toy advertising and are not aware that they are feeding their kids unhealthy food. In this instance, the writer should include a sentence for example, which references a survey conducted of parents who earn less than the median income concludes that 25% are unaware of the harm of excessive fat consumption. The writer could also use the same process when discussing the lack of exercise that lower income children receive by referencing, for example, a study shown that lower income families on average work 16 hour days per parent, of those families only 20% of the children participate in after school athletic programs. This could be used instead of saying that most lower income families work long hours and cannot sometimes take their kids to the park to exercise. Overall, the writer did support most of her claims with facts from sources.
The writer is effective in showing the long term effects of childhood obesity in the United States. She made a clear distinction of groups that are affected on the basis of race and class. In doing so, she has identified groups that are at higher risk of being obese in the long run. I agree with Anna that words such as “usually” “might” and “some” may weaken the writer’s argument in persuading the audience. Nevertheless, there evidence used by the writer has shown there is a major problem with obesity in the U.S.
The writer provides a strong case on the growing issue of childhood obesity. She establishes a background on the issue and then lists the reasons why this issue needs to be addressed. The statistical data that is used, draws the attention of the reader to understand the seriousness of the problem. For example she writes that 59% of the $2 Billion that fast food restaurants use to promote their products , is used to buys toys and games for children. When I read that part I was astonished to know that such a large amount of money (more than $1 Billion) is spent on attracting children to fast food restaurants . The use of statistical helps the reader to understand the dramatic effect of childhood obesity. T writer also explains the social (self-esteem) and economic (future health costs ) harms of childhood obesity on low-income families which demonstrates the seriousness of the problem .
I appreciate that you used a lot of statistics in your paper, to show actual facts of how fast food restaurants target children, and the calorie intake per “kids meal” at various fast food places. I also really like how you linked obesity to the different challenges that children who are obese face in life. I think that what people need to think about is a lot of the long term effects – and as you mentioned and obese kid will feel very insecure about themselves and that can lead to academic focus and such. In addition to that, the health issues are also a big challenge. This is definitely an important issue that needs a lot of attention.