Michael B:
I enjoy how you identified that there is a connection between the experiences that a person witnessed in a neighbor and how it relates or affects the person’s view on the neighborhood. I also liked how you included a personal story, to better structure and refine your thesis. In your third paragraph, you wrote this, “I have been on the receiving end of communication both good and bad.” I didn’t understand what you were trying to convey, maybe change the word choice/structure. Also, a sentence after that you write, “The first experience I had while walking in Manhattan occurred a few months ago.” Was it your first time walking in Manhattan or your first time experiencing a tourist walk up to you? One thing I noticed that you missed was another source besides your walks and from the readings. If you include another source, it can help fortify your thesis and help you explore more.
Spencer:
I liked how you start your essay and it intrigued me instantly. Your thesis is strong and is very relevant with today’s issues. It’s interesting how you used the planet as our “hood”. Using this, makes it so all of use, humans, should care because it is our home. I also immediately see that you introduce a source that’s not from what we discussed in class or your walks which helps better structure or strengthen your claim. You also break down and analyze what Rachel Carson writes about in her book which is really helpful towards your argument. Something I don’t see is you incorporating your walks into your essay. This can help you create further evidence for your essay. For example, if you’ve seen things that have been affected by global warming in your daily life. You analyze a lot of the source(s) and it really does help fortify your writing. Your essay has helped me better understand what I should do on my essay, which is to analyze my sources more in-depth.