Assignment #5
“I am fortunate that no injury came out of my situation but there are women who have suffered greatly because of these uncertainties in our state laws that are said to protect the innocent women from being harmed from assault by an intimate partner. New York Times journalist Allison Malloney writes in her article The “boyfriend loophole” that “The loopholes that appear between state and federal laws are complicated. According to research compiled by Everytown, in 35 states, state law allows those convicted of misdemeanor domestic violence crimes (or those subject to restraining orders) to buy and use guns, even though federal law says otherwise. Meanwhile, the federal definition of “domestic violence” leaves some women, like sisters and girlfriends, unprotected from men who assault them by allowing the assailant to keep and buy guns, even after a conviction.” The amount of leverage given to a criminal to continue with terrorizing their person of interest is also exemplified in the same article where Malloney reports “32-year-old Lori Jackson, a mother of two who was shot dead by her estranged husband just days after a court issued a temporary protective order, which allowed him to continue bearing arms. He killed her one day before the hearing date that would require he relinquish weapons owned”. Even when we follow the law procedures to get resolution from domestic violence against women, technicalities and the timing of the process undermine it.”
Karia Hill
Excerpt of Essay #1
The reason I think that this paragraph is well developed is because I can recognize what this paragraph is saying all the way through. I know that this is talking about the abuse of women by intimate partners and how these cases are handled in given states. The proof is solid and shows that the statement made in the beginning is a fact and not opinion. This follows the rubic step by step of how a paragraph should look and how the components are arranged. This is what makes the information ready to be clearly absorbed and not mixed up with extra information that does not apply.
Karia Hill
This paragraph is very well-developed and detailed. The writer, although indirectly, clearly states her point and backs it up by incorporating a variety of scholarly quotes from news articles and passages. She also includes some real examples which gives us insight on recent domestic violence events that we may not have necessarily heard of before. However, I think including more of her own analysis in this paragraph will make it even better.
The topic sentence could be a better transition from the previous paragraph. Also, although the writer used credible sources to back up her claim, the quotes were too long for a simple paragraph. Because there were two large quotes in the paragraph, there was little to no room for any analysis from the writer. In order to effectively quote, the writer could’ve broken up the quote and interpreted the pieces to better support their claim. In this paragraph, it seems as though the writer is using other people’s words to get her own point across. This paragraph would be much better if the writer added more of their own input and comments on these laws.
-Sumaiyah Ali
The body paragraph contains an abundance of quotes and factual information that could support the thesis of the entire essay. The problem that I see with this paragraph is that there is that the quotes aren’t being analyzed fully. The argument the writer is trying to make can be more strongly supported if the analysis was more fleshed out. The paragraph itself flows very well and uses transitions effectively.
This paragraph is effective in the sense that the writer has an abundance of sources which convinces me that they’ve done a lot of research on her particular topic . However I do agree with Lawrence. I feel like the quotes were just merely stated and not fully analyzed. Analyzing the quotes and linking it to her topic will be effective in convincing me that the writer knows what they’re talking about and that they feel strongly about what they’re arguing for or against.
-Damilola Babarinde
What makes this paragraph effective is the use of strong evidence that makes the reader connect emotionally with the argument. We are all aware of how serious an issue like domestic violence is even before reading the argument. However, when the writer then references a tragic story where a young woman was murdered after not being protected by the law we recognize just how serious this issue can be. The quotes from the research are all relevant, however, further analysis that reinforces the main thesis would make this paragraph even better than it already is. Perhaps a connection to reader’s own situation and how the balance between state and federal laws could have affected them would be applicable.
-Matthew Epstein
Nice strong and developed paragraph. You gave several examples to back up your main point which strengthened your argument. To make the paragraph more effective you could make the examples fit in with the paragraph better. To do this, you can write a sentence about the topic of the quote, then the quote and a sentence explaining the quote. With this process, the quote truly can relate to your topic and your analysis of it will give the reader a better understanding of why it relates to the essay.
Karia, Yancey,
You both point to the strength of the quotes, and I agree that the quotes are very important, but, as others have said, there are too many for one paragrah. There seem to be two paragraph topics here, one trying to define domestic violence (and that would be an important first body paragraph, I think, or indeed introductory paragraph) and one bringing up the issue of firearms. Remember, a body paragraph is presenting and developing one very important point, and to do this you need to keep your focus and discussion very specific.
As for the group’s comments, you were asked to each look at a different aspect of the paragraph, but you both seem to discuss it as a whole.
Group’s grade for comments: 8/10