Your voice is important 

I always remembered I’m that type of person who rarely speaks when meeting new people. Apart from being shy it has to do with the fact I’ve gotten used to not speaking and letting the orders take the show. This also caused me to be scared of voicing my opinion and what I want for this, as a matter of fact I was afraid of how they would look at me. It was like a wall in front of me that I wanted to cross but I couldn’t because I lost the courage to. If I’m going to be honest I don’t know when this began to happen but if I were to give a certain recap it was when I first started elementary school or where I first came to New york. I just know I lost something valuable for me and I need it back. 

 The first year in Kindergarten I was still the girl who was confident and didn’t care what people think, but I was hit with a brick in first grade. During kindergarten I had acquaintances so it wasn’t too bad because I had people to hangout with. However during first grade that felt really lonely for me I had no one to talk to. I think I slowly began to think if I followed them and didn’t object, I would be able to have people to play with me. That is when I began to lose my voice and I didn’t even realize how horrible it would be for me to lose that voice. I never even thought to realize I say no or being alone is happier than being forced to do something I didn’t want to do well guess what that was what third grade was like for me. I remember playing with a group of friends when they wanted to act out what they saw on the cartoon I just went along with what the character they assigned me to. I may not like the character but if I want to fit in that is what I have to do. 

I didn’t start to see the effects until middle to highschool. When I had to make my decision I started to realize how important a voice is. However there is one step back at this I can’t voice out my concerns because I lost that courage many years ago. I wouldn’t even be able to connect my young self with my certain self. She used to be full of ideas and wasn’t afraid of anything. I felt I lost that part of myself looking back. I want to go back to her. There are times my mom would bring it up to me that you’re younger self was never afraid to speak her opinion. She wants me to turn back to my younger self but it isn’t as easy as it sounds. Finding that self is a long process especially since stepping outside my comfort zone is something I haven’t done in years so it is difficult for someone who has been in her bubble for too long. 

Now that I sit and remember a few incidents that happened a lot of them were caused by me not voicing my opinion. One of them was when my friend created my character. This was back when I really liked making characters back in middle school. If I didn’t give in and let her do what she wanted, maybe things wouldn’t end so badly. A vivid memory is when we were at the gym during free time for me and my friends. While the rest of my friends were busy fooling around I was talking to her about our characters. She pulled out her phone to show me how she created my character and she changed my character’s bangs which was something I didn’t like. However I alway seem to let things slide and didn’t bother to argue. There were time where a voices in my head afterwards asking myself “why didn’t I just tell her I was uncomfortable with what she’s doing but then there’s going to be another set of voice telling me “what if she doesn’t want to hangout with you anymore”.which is why it made me think it would be easy for both of us if I just let it slide. I was wrong. I should have said I won’t budge. I only bothered to argue once and just didn’t talk about it. I didn’t want it to be tiring about that conversation although I was upset I didn’t argue about it any further. I learned later on if you felt you didn’t like how this is going you should speak and not just agree if only I learn that when all this happens maybe that way the relationship wouldn’t be so toxic. 

My mom has told me this several times “you have to have your own thoughts, don’t be dragged around instead”. That means I need to learn how to fight back or object to the things I didn’t like the fact I was struggling, I’ll admit that and I still struggle with it till this day. Having a voice is tough for me besides the fact I feel that people may not agree with me which makes me feel it is better to keep my mouth but it is also because what if someone doesn’t back me up. So this would lead me to rethink about the incident between my ex friend and I. It was like a replay that constantly pops in my head and thinking about it was a reminder to me that the second time this occurs it won’t follow the same path as the first one. I am learning to accept the fact that it will be a struggle being unafraid to speak or rejecting someone if I’m not comfortable but I now feel more comfortable when speaking towards people. There is one issue I hate to admit I still let it slide for my friends sometimes but I have a boundary I won’t let them cross this time.