Monthly Archives: October 2010

I have a hard time dealing with change. I don’t like being forced out of my comfort zone. I grew up sheltered and overprotected, homeschooled for a year, and fundamentally different from most kids in my neighborhood. They were mean, spiteful, and rude. That stuff didn’t fly with me. I stayed away from most kids during these years; I just didn’t bother with them. This initial disgust with the average behavior of my peers was my main motive for being as nice and courteous as I could possibly be. It takes almost no effort at all to be a nice person, and it goes such a long way, so just do it. No questions asked. That’s the way I see it. I got into television, music, and video games, in that order. NOT sports. I tried little league and basketball, cracked under pressure, hated competition, was too fat, cried, and quit. I took one guitar lesson and gave up. I went to archery for about half a year. To be honest, that was actually pretty badass and fun. I have nothing but fond memories of that. I guess I was just lazy, because I quit that too. This lack of ambition has unfortunately followed me into my adult life.

I didn’t make lasting friends until much later in life, around the beginning of high school. Being in the presence of people I could identify with, mostly the juniors and seniors in my school, really helped shape me as a person. I didn’t feel threatened around this group of people; I felt like I was respected, trusted, and treated like an adult around these guys. I didn’t feel like I had to be someone who I wasn’t, which is the greatest thing in the world. We’re social creatures, but we are freaks, too. We’re all in denial of this, for some odd reason. People have odd impulses, people do stupid stuff, and it’s hilarious and fun to embrace this. We did this consistently. This is probably why I’m still friends with most of these people to this day. We’re different people than we were in high school, that’s for sure, but we still see each other every weekend and have a blast. Spending time with close friends is almost therapeutic to me. I think of my inner circle as an extended family. We fight, laugh, and cry, but we are always there for each other. It sounds terribly cliche, but I’ve found people that I’d be comfortable spending the rest of my life with. I know it’s not healthy be done with meeting people, but all I’m saying is that if I didn’t make a single new friend for the rest of my life, I’d still consider myself lucky. That’s how great these guys are.

Music is a huge part of my life. I play drums and guitar, and a lot of my friends do as well. We’ve got some instruments set up in my basement, and I have awesome parents who don’t mind, and even encourage us playing as much as we like. I’m a lucky guy, I recognize this. I hate unappreciative people. I realize every time that I complain about something, things could be SO much worse. This self-awareness is really important to me.

You have to aware of what you are, but it’s even more important to be aware of what you aren’t. I don’t like playing games, I don’t like coming off insincerely. My friends have given me the confidence to be who I am and not be afraid of being judged. The notion of wanting to be liked by people who don’t like you, and I mean YOU, who you really are, is ridiculous. It’s a waste of time. I used to do it, but now I just don’t care. My friends are my safety net. I don’t abuse this, I’m still nice. I don’t bite! I’m usually just too tired to actively seek discussion with new people.

This thing kinda went all over the place, but I like it. I think frantically and in an unorganized manner, that’s just my nature. To be honest, I think I’m a bit of a mess. I need focus and direction in my life. I guess that’s why I’m in college. The first semester is pretty much a test to see if I can handle this amount of responsibility and pressure. In addition to being a full time student, I’m working my first job ever for about 20 hours a week. I’ve never been as tired in my entire life as I have this past month. It’s a crazy feeling, something I’ve never felt before, but the idea that I’m doing something productive every day keeps me going. The idea of progress is an alien idea to me as well, and I’m warming up to it. Again, I’m not good with change. Hopefully I’ll grow up soon, but not too soon. I kinda like being a kid, if I can still call myself that.

The main molding of the current Jeffrey Chan began in the humble halls of Hunter College High School. Between the lack of windows and therefore, sunlight, and being stuck inside the thick brick walls of the school, I developed a certain caustic manner of speech which stuck with me till the present time. Of course to get into that school, I had to sit for an entrance exam but thats a whole other story that I’m sure I’ll get to blog about sooner or later. My mom’s always been a huge influence on me. In the early days, it used to be about making myself feel happy when the teacher gave me a check plus on a crayon drawing or something. In the older years, that feeling shifted into making Mom happy with my grades so I could step outside the house without getting yelled at about becoming a street hoodlum instead of studying.

Mom also taught me the value of money. It really sucks when you’re getting $10 a week for lunch in manhattan when all your other friends are getting $25 and they ask you all the time why you eat the cafeteria crap by yourself. Basic economics. How to allocate scarce resources. When you have to survive for 5 days on $10, I would say that cash is a pretty scarce resource. When 11:30 (my lunch period) rolled round, I’d carefully count how many wrinkled singles I had left in the back pocket to figure out if I had enough money to treat myself aka buy school lunch but be able to get the 50 cent cookies as dessert.

My expectations as a college student is to succeed. I’m going to try to do everything that I want, to the fullest extent of what I want and if i fall a little short here and there, then thats okay. It just shouldn’t happen more than twice a year. My hopes are that this year will turn out to be an amazing year and that nothing will go wrong. I’m still optimistic.

The only concern I have at the moment is making sure I sleep enough. Speaking of which, I should probably sleep now.

Who am I? What are my favorite things to do? What makes me special?

I’ve always hated answering these questions. To be honest, I never really cared to define myself. I found no point to it – partially because people change all the time and there isn’t a constant description that will always fit a person and partially because the less people know about me, the better.

Unlike most people around me who can be described as quite static, I, on the other hand, have always been quite dynamic. Sometimes I wished that I were more stable when it comes to my behavior, it’d make things in life a lot easier.

There are two events that occurred so far in my life that can be deemed as life changing. Of course, there are other things that happened throughout the last 14 years or so that I can remember, but I guess I can say they aren’t the major ones, rather ones that can be considered little stepping stones leading to the person I am today.

Unfortunate things happen and they help define you to becoming who you are. Yet I don’t believe that you should be hindered by this misfortunes and dwell in them and not moving forward. I have been hindered enough that it has somewhat stunt my growth. Parts of growing up is leaving behind things that plague you and try to make the best of what you currently have now.

This will lead to me answering the last two questions. As a college student, I should be expecting amazing professors that will enlighten me and show me a version of the world that I am too blind to see. These professors will engage not only I but also my fellow classmates to be interested in learning such subjects that are put in front of us, and gain something that will be helpful to us in the real world.

I, however, do not expect anything from the faculty or students from this school. My only expectation is to do what I came to school to do, hopefully gain something worthy in the next few years that I can carry with me when I am ready to take on the world. Growing up the way I did, I should have learned long ago not to expect anything from anyone. I still did. This will change, and I will start to depend on myself and try not to hinder others while I’m at it.

I know that I didn’t get into too many details about what actually shaped who I am. But like I stated before, the past isn’t what matters, it’s what you make of the present. I think everyone has a past that they aren’t proud of, or embarrassed about. Instead of learning about a person from their past actions and what they’ve endured; it is better to watch them grow every step of the way.

How could I have been such an adept user of the internet for most of my life and still find it difficult to navigate these websites? Same deal with the Discussion Boards on Blackboard.

Well, I’m here now, current status: uncomfortably warm, tired, kinda hungry, but it’s late and it’s not very wise to eat at such a time. I’m James, I am an 18 year old Filipino American male, born in Manila, but do not speak Tagalog. Please don’t ask me why not, my parents didn’t see it necessary to teach me. I have been raised in and am still residing in Jersey City, New Jersey. No, living here is not like living in the middle of a Baghdad warzone, I have freely walked its streets since my youth and have never had any danger fall upon me. Then again, I have shared this fact with some of my other Jersey friends and they find it hard to believe themselves, so perhaps my account may not be the most accurate in terms of the safety of Jersey City streets. One of my friends has a theory that it’s my naive ignorance of the dangers around me that has protected me from harm as I do not look fearful and vulnerable. Don’t know why that would stop someone from mugging a small-framed Asian boy, but I’m not complaining.

Jersey City’s one of the most diverse cities in this country, and combined with the diversity of the schools I have attended, I have developed a comfort with most, if not all, types of cultures and beliefs (provided they do not force it upon me). My best friends in high school were a genius Puerto Rican with a deep fascination for dinosaurs who was our valedictorian and currently attends Harvard, and a 6’4″, 300 lb black bodybuilder with an eccentric flair and a taste for Indian women. On the other hand, I also feel terribly uncomfortable with homogeneity of races. Whites, Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, if there’s too much of any of them in a room, I’m not gonna feel comfortable. I harbor secret fears of acting too Asian or too White.

I just wrote about 6 paragraphs now and deleted the whole thing because this was stretching too long. Plus, if I write all about my family and how they’ve shaped my life experiences now, there won’t be anything more to learn later, right? Then that whole thing led into some introspection on the contrast between my experiences and my worldview and then I feared that writing all that down as it was going on in my mind might make some people think something was wrong with me. I’m certainly not doing so well quelling that right now, but on to the next subject.

Honestly, the Baruch Honors Program doesn’t really fill me with fear or anxiety or anything. It’s just another new experience for me and some of it is feeling like deja vu, specifically, the speech the teachers give about how we used to be top of the class and now we’re with equals and that we may be experiencing our first B of our life. I haven’t been the top of my class since 5th grade, and from 6th grade onwards, I’ve been getting that same speech in every school I went to.

In 5th grade I was accepted in the Academic Enrichment Program at the Jersey City middle school, Academy I. 6th grade was where I felt the whole “I’m not the smartest kid in the class” trauma. I got used to it by 8th grade where I stopped trying to act like I had something to prove. I got into McNair Academic High School afterward, which was the #1 high school in Jersey City at the time (I think it’s #2 now, just behind this new, richer school) where I got the same speech. Both of the schools had a pretty much equal population of whites, blacks, hispanics and “others” (a term I always found humorous). As college neared, I feared I would have been taking the diversity of my schools for granted and I’d end up surrounded by white people in some rural college campus. Then I get accepted into Baruch, one of the most diverse colleges in the country and I have no more apprehensions.

I think I have a pretty good grasp on the fact that I’m not going to be the smartest guy anywhere anytime soon, so I don’t see any reason to try to prove it. My goal with college is to just live it to the best of my abilities and enjoy it while it lasts, something I failed to do with my previous years.

Damn, already 3 AM, times flies when you’re writing your autobiography and then decide to retract it at the last second. I guess I can leave it here, maybe wait a little while before I feel comfortable sharing what I typed in those deleted paragraphs. I’ve gotta get to sleep, I got plans this morning.

Carefully maneuvering my way to the front of the crowd, I sat down in front of the Hudson, right on the FDR drive, and stared out into the open. The city lights, which seemed to have given the water’s indigo shade hints of white and yellow, blended well with the two bridges to my left and right. The boats, which lined itself in a straight line across the river, only contributed to the scenery. But that was not the best part of the night. The best part rather, was the fireworks. They shot straight from the boats, up into atmosphere in a loud, yet harmonious manner. Amused, I covered my ears, watched and beamed at the various colorful patterns in the air. I was six.

Hi. I’m Benjamin Tan. Most people call me Ben. Some have called me Benji or Benny. Even before I was born, my dad considered naming me Ben Min Tan, and if one said this name repeatedly, it’d sound like ‘Badminton’. I was born a Chinese American, and raised under the roof of two immigrants, who honors the Chinese culture. When I was four, they sent me to Chinese School. I dictated pieces of writing. I memorized poems. I recited famous Chinese philosophers. I read proverbs. I learned my culture.

About four years ago, I was a freshman in high school. I was naïve, shy and lost. Clubs? I didn’t know any. Networking? Highly doubt it. I stuck with the people I knew. Luckily however, chorus saved me. Being placed in the school choir was one of the best things Brooklyn Tech has done for me. At least at that moment, it was. In a room with about a hundred kids lumped together to sing, it’d be impossible for me to sit around and not talk to them. I made friends.

Just today, at the Baruch fair, I met a lot of new faces, shook numerous hands, collected countless fliers, and got myself on a good start. Four years ago, I was lucky. Today, I have to be proactive. I always knew how to pick up a book, but it’s time to pick up my hand and let people hear what I have to say. It’s time to shoot myself up to the sky and blossom into that colorful pattern I saw not too long ago.

            During multiple occasions, I have found out that “what you work for is what you get back”. There are many times in school that I slack off a bit and end up getting a lot lower than I’ve expected. However, on the other hand, I can work on something for a very long period of time feeling that I’m not doing enough and get a score higher than I’ve expected. Not only does academic works changed my view on this quote, there are many things that I’m very persistence about and I can spend a lot time doing something and eventually achieving what I thought was nearly impossible. I remember the first semester of my 10^th grade math class. I worked quite hard compared to the previous year. When my report card came out, it was a 98 next to my math class and that became my motivation to continue my math performance throughout high school. I never thought that working that hard in math would get me a 98. In fact, I’m just working a bit more than I was in the previous year. Through my own experience, every bit of effort would get you every bit of reward you deserve.

                Similarly, this is what I expect of myself in college. If I really want to get those grades, I would need to work as hard as I can. And these are my hopes and concerns for this semester. I’m traumatized by the amount of work given to me and a lot of tests that comes together in the same week. Nevertheless, hard work will prevail and that’s what I’m picturing my first semester to be.

Hello everybody! My name is Shirley Cao and I am planning to major in accounting. My parents are from China and I have an older sister and a younger brother. I was a math major in Brooklyn Tech. Besides other people, I was surprised myself that I would end up declaring my major to be accounting. One possible reason is my parent’s expectations for me to get a stable and reputable job, so I’m decided on accounting as my major when I barely know what it is. Even though of numerous stories about how boring it is, I am very determined to become one.

I believe that everyone should be treated fairly. Ever since elementary school, I’ve always remembered how others treated me because I didn’t fit in. Some of my teachers picked on me and favored those who are talkative. I’ve never admired any teacher who picks favorites because I’ve once experienced what it was like when no one notices you. Because of these experiences, I always try to be the first one to implement a conversation.

Throughout my college life, I expect to make new friends and expand my network. Although I’m not living on campus, I believe that college will help me become more independent and mature. I also want to learn as much as I can from my classes and improve on subjects I’m weak in. For my first semester, I’m the most nervous about maintaining the GPA to stay in the Honors Program.

Where have you been and where are you going? Where I have been is the easy part of the question. But where I am going is not as simple.  At least not at the moment. Before, I was completely sure as to where I was heading. I knew I wanted to be a doctor. Preferably, a cardiologist.  I myself don’t know why exactly. Maybe the desire to become one began the summer when I found out my dad needed double bypass surgery. Maybe it was before that. But to state the truth, I don’t really remember.

However, I know exactly what caused me to change my mind about my future aspirations – fourth period American Government during my first semester senior year and one Frontline documentary. The universal healthcare legislation was in the midst of being passed and my teacher decided to show us a documentary comparing the different healthcare systems around the world. Healthcare has nothing to do with treating the actual patients (well in some sense). It is all about the money. The rich can afford it, the government helps the poor, and the average American (middle class) is left stranded. I decided that going about the problem in a different way would help speed the overall process to receive better medical treatment. Instead of becoming a doctor (who has no say in a patient’s financial needs), I decided that maybe I can change the system if I worked on the other side of the issue – economics and government.  Well, this is where I think I am heading for now. Maybe another class or situation will change my mind again.

My current plans led me to Baruch. My expectations for my first semester aren’t much. I just want to learn more about what the college has to offer and how I can utilize all of them to my advantage. I plan on observing all that I can and hopefully an opportunity will not pass me by.