I am not an actress. I do not want to be spoon-fed lines that someone wants me to recite during a certain scene or directed when to enter and exit the set. Society, with its rules and regulations, already compels us to follow certain laws and threatens to place negative sanctions should we choose to go against them. Although society and authoritative figures are in control of various aspects of our lives, I value independence and the need to belong.
For me, the value of independence traces back to my childhood and something as simple as wanting longer hair. Before eighth grade, I was lucky if I could feel my hair on my shoulders or even tie my hair up. My mother was the “dictator” who decided how my hair was to be cut and despite my protests, my hair mostly winded up similar to a “bowl cut” or Chen Ruolin’s (the female diver who won gold in the women’s 10m platform and women’s 10m synchro platform of the 2012 Olympics). That all changed one day when my mother’s mother (my grandmother) went out with us for my haircut. As usual, I started my usual protests even before the hairdresser started cutting my hair. What made this time different was that I broke down in tears by the end when I saw my reflection in the mirror. My mother was furious, of course, but my grandmother was sympathetic and argued that at my age, I should be able to decide what I want my hair to look like. Thinking of this incident reminds me of a point that my yoga teacher made last year, “You aren’t heard until there are tears.”
To me, my haircut symbolizes something more than part of my appearance, since children learn at an early age that there are gender differences. Without long hair, I felt like I did not belong when I was working in groups with other girls throughout the school day. Imagine you were little again, drawing stick figures, one of a girl and another of a boy. What usually differentiates the gender of the stick figures are the body figure and the hair. Those are basically the thoughts that crossed my mind although they may not necessarily be true for every individual — of course there are boys with long hair and girls with short hair today.
Independence also played a role in my sadness after receiving an invitation into the Baruch Scholars program with free tuition. Normally, you would think that receiving such a letter would make a high school senior overjoyed. Naturally, I actually was cheerful at first. Afterthoughts then took over; I felt that with this letter, I would have no voice in the decision of which college I would attend, between Baruch College, Hunter College, Queens College and Stony Brook University. Money motives appeal to a vast majority of the population and my parents are definitely included in that majority. It wasn’t that I wanted to pass on the opportunity; it was that I wanted the chance to say that Baruch was where I wanted to go. Looking back at the experience, I now realize that the thoughts were extremely selfish but I felt that it was something I needed to do.
Today, it feels like years have passed since the day when I first received the Baruch Scholars invitation instead of months. Now, the early weeks of the first semester are already over and I still worry over getting to school on time and doing my best in every class. I have never been able to manage my time properly and by the end of college, I expect to be able to change this. For the first semester, I have already set aside my goal to join the archery club and make sure I can finish all of my required assignments. Later on, I hope to join the club as well as take some classes that high schools or junior high schools may not have offered. One of the functions of attending college is to continue one’s education and I hope to do just this.
