Everything that I’ve been doing up until this moment has been a huge blur. I’ve been living in a whirlwind of movement; I traveled back and forth through time, analyzing my past, trying to understand my present, and simultaneously building towards my future. Every day I found that I’d been looking back towards a certain moment in my life, or some situation, that led me to see things the way I do now.
In fact, there are still many things that I look back to. Many moments in my life that I, almost, wish I could rewrite. But then I stop myself. Every day. Every moment. Every second. Every unfortunate incident still led me to become the person that I am today- and I couldn’t imagine being anybody else.
Sometimes, I am insecure. I don’t trust others. I am withdrawn. I lack confidence. I get nervous. I doubt myself. I can’t rely on others. I get uptight. I worry too much. I fall apart. Sometimes, I think of all the times that made me this way. Ever since the day I was born something has been going on and, many times, going wrong.
I moved to America when I was just 3 years old. My mother and I didn’t come over here because she needed a new job. She didn’t come over here because she needed a better education, or freedom of religion, or any of those things that we usually assume come along with immigration. We moved because my mother and I needed a new beginning. We left my no-good, abusive, selfish, greedy, ‘father’ in hopes of starting a life free of oppression and abuse within the family. A few short years later, my mother married again. Later that year, she filed for divorce. I wasn’t that disappointed, to be honest. I never really felt like I had a father anyway. A few men came along, here and there, but most of them didn’t last more than a few weeks. In fact, I barely remember a single one. I was in fifth grade, however, when my mother finally met someone decent. He lived with us, worked nearby, and always treated me well. After years of dating my mother, and taking care of me as much as he could, the two of them got married. I probably should have been happier for them than I really was. Don’t get me wrong, though. I love my step-father. He’s a great man who’s intelligent, hard working, and supportive. However, he’s never around. I don’t remember just how many years ago he became a truck driver, but I know that It’s sure been a while. When you’re driving a truck, and making deliveries, you’re making grand voyages across the 50 states. My step-dad works out on the road about 3 weeks in a row, and comes home for a very unpredictable amount of time; he could be home for a week or home for an hour. With this kind of schedule, I end up seeing him a week out of the month at most. We never talk. We barely ever discuss school. He doesn’t know about my friends or my relationships. We don’t spend any quality time together. We barely ever hug. But, once again, don’t take it the wrong way. He really is a good guy. But, ever since my sister was born, he never has time for me. Whenever he makes it home he takes time to spend with his daughter (his real daughter) and give her as much love as he can. But, I guess he runs out of it when it comes to me. But, anyway. I believe I made my point. I never really felt like I had a father, and my mother never understood.
When we’re children we absorb all of the things around us. Our surroundings, our environment, the actions of the people around us, and many other things. When I was a child, I absorbed the way that people treated me. By the time I made it to third grade, I had moved 8 times. Finally, by that time, I found a place to settle in. I started off that school year realizing that I was different from everybody else. I was a little reserved. I was a little poor. I was a little uncool. It seemed as if everybody around me wore brand names, knew everybody else, and knew exactly what was going on. I was the odd one out. I guess that was an invitation to make fun of the new kid. So, that’s exactly what they did. By the time I had graduated elementary school, I’d been made fun of, teased, ridiculed, taken advantage of, and outright outcasted. By the time I started middle school, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I knew exactly what people were capable of, by then. I knew that, once they realized you were different, they would try their hardest to take advantage of you. And I was right. The three years I spent in that school were probably worse than the three I spent in elementary school. People spread rumors. People put gum in my hair. I was literally pushed around. I was criticized. I was called names. I was ugly. I was friendless. Through them, I learned to focus on my schoolwork, ignore everybody else, and eventually try to prove them all wrong.
Why am I even writing this right now? These experiences, specifically, helped me become everything I am today. I may doubt myself, I may feel weak, I may feel lonely, and I may not trust other people. I may feel a lot of things inside, but I know that I will find a way to get through it. I’ve built up true strength, courage, and resilience. I rely on myself more than anyone else and I try to never let myself down. I may be walking the beaten path, but I will never wish to have it any other way. I am strong and independent because of who I was before. I am outgoing, sarcastic, and studious because I’ve made these things a habit. Every single part of me has grown into something new. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, each and every time I look back to where I was, I will rise again and endure.
These experiences not only made me who I am, they have led me strive for an even better life for myself and everyone around me. I believe in justice. In freedom. In understanding. I will never look down on anybody else unless I’m helping them up. I will always do my best to give back to my community, be a leader, be a friend, and make sure no one has to suffer as long as I can do something about it. I believe in change.
Now that I’ve started college, and embarked on an amazing journey, I will be that harbinger of change. I expect to make friends, I expect to excel (hopefully), and I expect to grow even more as a person. I do have my worries about my grades, but I will do my very best to keep them under control. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve got the world ahead of me. I will be sure to take advantage of every opportunity that comes my way and become the best that I can be.
