HERALD

My scrimp-brained lad,

I’m a herald, as ye see, who hae come frae Sparta

Anent a Peace.

MAGISTRATE

Then why do you hide that lance

That sticks out under your arms?

HERALD.

I’ve brought no lance.

MAGISTRATE

Then why do you turn aside and hold your cloak

So far out from your body? Is your groin swollen

With stress of travelling?

HERALD

By Castor, I’ll swear

The man is wud.

MAGISTRATE

Indeed, your cloak is wide,

My rascal fellow.

HERALD

But I tell ye No!

Enow o’ fleering!

MAGISTRATE

Well, what is it then?

HERALD

It’s my despatch cane.

MAGISTRATE

Of course–a Spartan cane!

But speak right out. I know all this too well.

Are new privations springing up in Sparta?

HERALD

Och, hard as could be: in lofty lusty columns

Our allies stand united. We maun get Pellene.

MAGISTRATE

Whence has this evil come? Is it from Pan?

HERALD

No. Lampito first ran asklent, then the others

Sprinted after her example, and blocked, the hizzies,

Their wames unskaithed against our every fleech.

MAGISTRATE

What did you do?

HERALD

We are broken, and bent double,

Limp like men carrying lanthorns in great winds

About the city. They winna let us even

Wi’ lightest neif skim their primsie pretties

Till we’ve concluded Peace-terms wi’ a’ Hellas.

MAGISTRATE

So the conspiracy is universal;

This proves it. Then return to Sparta. Bid them

Send envoys with full powers to treat of Peace;

And I will urge the Senate here to choose

Plenipotentiary ambassadors,

As argument adducing this connection.

HERALD

I’m off. Your wisdom none could contravert.

They retire.

MEN

There is no beast, no rush of fire, like woman so untamed.

She calmly goes her way where even panthers would be shamed.

WOMEN

And yet you are fool enough, it seems, to dare to war with me,

When for your faithful ally you might win me easily.

MEN

Never could the hate I feel for womankind grow less.

WOMEN

Then have your will. But I’ll take pity on your nakedness.

For I can see just how ridiculous you look, and so

Will help you with your tunic if close up I now may go.

MEN

Well, that, by Zeus, is no scoundrel-deed, I frankly will admit.

I only took them off myself in a scoundrel raging-fit.

WOMEN

Now you look sensible, and that you’re men no one could doubt.

If you were but good friends again, I’d take the insect out

That hurts your eye.

MEN

Is that what’s wrong? That nasty bitie thing.

Please squeeze it out, and show me what it is that makes this sting.

It’s been paining me a long while now.

WOMEN

Well I’ll agree to that,

Although you’re most unmannerly. O what a giant gnat.

Here, look! It comes from marshy Tricorysus, I can tell.

MEN

O thank you. It was digging out a veritable well.

Now that it’s gone, I can’t hold back my tears. See how they fall.

WOMEN

I’ll wipe them off, bad as you are, and kiss you after all.

MEN

I won’t be kissed.

WOMEN

O yes, you will. Your wishes do not matter.

MEN

O botheration take you all! How you cajole and flatter.

A hell it is to live with you; to live without, a hell:

How truly was that said. But come, these enmities let’s quell.

You stop from giving orders and I’ll stop from doing wrong.

So let’s join ranks and seal our bargain with a choric song.

CHORUS.

Athenians, it’s not our intention

To sow political dissension

By giving any scandal mention;

But on the contrary to promote good feeling in the state

By word and deed. We’ve had enough calamities of late.

So let a man or woman but divulge

They need a trifle, say,

Two minas, three or four,

I’ve purses here that bulge.

There’s only one condition made

(Indulge my whim in this I pray)–

When Peace is signed once more,

On no account am I to be repaid.

And I’m making preparation

For a gay select collation

With some youths of reputation.

I’ve managed to produce some soup and they’re slaughtering for me

A sucking-pig: its flesh should taste as tender as could be.

I shall expect you at my house today.

To the baths make an early visit,

And bring your children along;

Don’t dawdle on the way.

Ask no one; enter as if the place

Was all your own–yours henceforth is it.

If nothing chances wrong,

The door will then be shut bang in your face.

The SPARTAN AMBASSADORS approach.

CHORUS

Here come the Spartan envoys with long, worried beards.

Hail, Spartans how do you fare?

Did anything new arise?

SPARTANS

No need for a clutter o’ words. Do ye see our condition?

CHORUS

The situation swells to greater tension.

Something will explode soon.

SPARTANS

It’s awfu’ truly.

But come, let us wi’ the best speed we may

Scribble a Peace.

CHORUS

I notice that our men

Like wrestlers poised for contest, hold their clothes

Out from their bellies. An athlete’s malady!

Since exercise alone can bring relief.

ATHENIANS

Can anyone tell us where Lysistrata is?

There is no need to describe our men’s condition,

It shows up plainly enough.

CHORUS

It’s the same disease.

Do you feel a jerking throbbing in the morning?

ATHENIANS

By Zeus, yes! In these straits, I’m racked all through.

Unless Peace is soon declared, we shall be driven

In the void of women to try Cleisthenes.

CHORUS

Be wise and cover those things with your tunics.

Who knows what kind of person may perceive you?

ATHENIANS

By Zeus, you’re right.

SPARTANS

By the Twa Goddesses,

Indeed ye are. Let’s put our tunics on.

ATHENIANS

Hail O my fellow-sufferers, hail Spartans.

SPARTANS

O hinnie darling, what a waefu’ thing!

If they had seen us wi’ our lunging waddies!

ATHENIANS

Tell us then, Spartans, what has brought you here?

SPARTANS

We come to treat o’ Peace.

ATHENIANS

Well spoken there!

And we the same. Let us callout Lysistrata

Since she alone can settle the Peace-terms.

SPARTANS

Callout Lysistratus too if ye don’t mind.

CHORUS

No indeed. She hears your voices and she comes.

Enter LYSISTRATA

Hail, Wonder of all women! Now you must be in turn

Hard, shifting, clear, deceitful, noble, crafty, sweet, and stern.

The foremost men of Hellas, smitten by your fascination,

Have brought their tangled quarrels here for your sole arbitration.

LYSISTRATA

An easy task if the love’s raging home-sickness

Doesn’t start trying out how well each other

Will serve instead of us. But I’ll know at once

If they do. O where’s that girl, Reconciliation?

Bring first before me the Spartan delegates,

And see you lift no rude or violent hands–

None of the churlish ways our husbands used.

But lead them courteously, as women should.

And if they grudge fingers, guide them by other methods,

And introduce them with ready tact. The Athenians

Draw by whatever offers you a grip.

Now, Spartans, stay here facing me. Here you,

Athenians. Both hearken to my words.

I am a woman, but I’m not a fool.

And what of natural intelligence I own

Has been filled out with the remembered precepts

My father and the city-elders taught me.

First I reproach you both sides equally

That when at Pylae and Olympia,

At Pytho and the many other shrines

That I could name, you sprinkle from one cup

The altars common to all Hellenes, yet

You wrack Hellenic cities, bloody Hellas

With deaths of her own sons, while yonder clangs

The gathering menace of barbarians.

ATHENIANS

We cannot hold it in much longer now.

LYSISTRATA

Now unto you, O Spartans, do I speak.

Do you forget how your own countryman,

Pericleidas, once came hither suppliant

Before our altars, pale in his purple robes,

Praying for an army when in Messenia

Danger growled, and the Sea-god made earth quaver.

Then with four thousand hoplites Cimon marched

And saved all Sparta. Yet base ingrates now,

You are ravaging the soil of your preservers.

ATHENIANS

By Zeus, they do great wrong, Lysistrata.

SPARTANS

Great wrong, indeed. O! What a luscious wench!

LYSISTRATA

And now I turn to the Athenians.

Have you forgotten too how once the Spartans

In days when you wore slavish tunics, came

And with their spears broke a Thessalian host

And all the partisans of Hippias?

They alone stood by your shoulder on that day.

They freed you, so that for the slave’s short skirt

You should wear the trailing cloak of liberty.

SPARTANS

I’ve never seen a nobler woman anywhere.

ATHENIANS

Nor I one with such prettily jointing hips.

LYSISTRATA

Now, brethren twined with mutual benefactions,

Can you still war, can you suffer such disgrace?

Why not be friends? What is there to prevent you?

SPARTANS

We’re agreed, gin that we get this tempting Mole.

LYSISTRATA

Which one?

SPARTANS

That ane we’ve wanted to get into,

O for sae lang…. Pylos, of course.

ATHENIANS

By Poseidon,

Never!

LYSISTRATA

Give it up.

ATHENIANS

Then what will we do?

We need that ticklish place united to us–

LYSISTRATA

Ask for some other lurking-hole in return.

ATHENIANS

Then, ah, we’ll choose this snug thing here, Echinus,

Shall we call the nestling spot? And this backside haven,

These desirable twin promontories, the Maliac,

And then of course these Megarean Legs.

SPARTANS

Not that, O surely not that, never that.

LYSISTRATA

Agree! Now what are two legs more or less?

ATHENIANS

I want to strip at once and plough my land.

SPARTANS

And mine I want to fertilize at once.

LYSISTRATA

And so you can, when Peace is once declared.

If you mean it, get your allies’ heads together

And come to some decision.

ATHENIANS

What allies?

There’s no distinction in our politics:

We’ve risen as one man to this conclusion;

Every ally is jumping-mad to drive it home.

SPARTANS

And ours the same, for sure.

ATHENIANS

The Carystians first!

I’ll bet on that.

LYSISTRATA

I agree with all of you.

Now off, and cleanse yourselves for the Acropolis,

For we invite you all in to a supper

From our commissariat baskets. There at table

You will pledge good behaviour and uprightness;

Then each man’s wife is his to hustle home.

ATHENIANS

Come, as quickly as possible.

SPARTANS

As quick as ye like.

Lead on.

ATHENIANS

O Zeus, quick, quick, lead quickly on.

They hurry off.

CHORUS.

Broidered stuffs on high I’m heaping,

Fashionable cloaks and sweeping

Trains, not even gold gawds keeping.

Take them all, I pray you, take them all (I do not care)

And deck your children–your daughter, if the Basket she’s to bear.

Come, everyone of you, come in and take

Of this rich hoard a share.

Nought’s tied so skilfully

But you its seal can break

And plunder all you spy inside.

I’ve laid out all that I can spare,

And therefore you will see

Nothing unless than I you’re sharper-eyed.

If lacking corn a man should be

While his slaves clamour hungrily

And his excessive progeny,

Then I’ve a handfull of grain at home which is always to be had,

And to which in fact a more-than-life-size loaf I’d gladly add.

Then let the poor bring with them bag or sack

And take this store of food.

Manes, my man, I’ll tell

To help them all to pack

Their wallets full. But O take care.

I had forgotten; don’t intrude,

Or terrified you’ll yell.

My dog is hungry too, and bites–beware!

Some LOUNGERS from the Market with torches approach

the Banqueting hall. The PORTER bars their entrance.

1ST MARKET-LOUNGER

Open the door.

PORTER

Here move along.

1ST MARKET-LOUNGER

What’s this?

You’re sitting down. Shall I singe you with my torch?

That’s vulgar! O I couldn’t do it … yet

If it would gratify the audience,

I’ll mortify myself.

2ND MARKET-LOUNGER

And I will too.

We’ll both be crude and vulgar, yes we will.

PORTER

Be off at once now or you’ll be wailing

Dirges for your hair. Get off at once,

And see you don’t disturb the Spartan envoys

Just coming out from the splendid feast they’ve had.

The banqueters begin to come out.

1ST ATHENIAN

I’ve never known such a pleasant banquet before,

And what delightful fellows the Spartans are.

When we are warm with wine, how wise we grow.

2ND ATHENIAN

That’s only fair, since sober we’re such fools:

This is the advice I’d give the Athenians–

See our ambassadors are always drunk.

For when we visit Sparta sober, then

We’re on the alert for trickery all the while

So that we miss half of the things they say,

And misinterpret things that were never said,

And then report the muddle back to Athens.

But now we’re charmed with each other. They might cap

With the Telamon-catch instead of the Cleitagora,

And we’d applaud and praise them just the same;

We’re not too scrupulous in weighing words.

PORTER

Why, here the rascals come again to plague me.

Won’t you move on, you sorry loafers there!

MARKET-LOUNGER

Yes, by Zeus, they’re already coming out.

SPARTANS

Now hinnie dearest, please tak’ up your pipe

That I may try a spring an’ sing my best

In honour o’ the Athenians an’ oursels.

ATHENIANS

Aye, take your pipe. By all the gods, there’s nothing

Could glad my heart more than to watch you dance.

SPARTANS.

Mnemosyne,

Let thy fire storm these younkers,

O tongue wi’ stormy ecstasy

My Muse that knows

Our deeds and theirs, how when at sea

Their navies swooped upon

The Medes at Artemision–

Gods for their courage, did they strike

Wrenching a triumph frae their foes;

While at Thermopylae

Leonidas’ army stood: wild-boars they were like

Wild-boars that wi’ fierce threat

Their terrible tusks whet;

The sweat ran streaming down each twisted face,

Faen blossoming i’ strange petals o’ death

Panted frae mortal breath,

The sweat drenched a’ their bodies i’ that place,

For the hurly-burly o’ Persians glittered more

Than the sands on the shore.

Come, Hunting Girl, an’ hear my prayer–

You whose arrows whizz in woodlands, come an’ bless

This Peace we swear.

Let us be fenced wi’ age long amity,

O let this bond stick ever firm through thee

In friendly happiness.

Henceforth no guilefu’ perjury be seen!

O hither, hither O

Thou wildwood queen.

LYSISTRATA

Earth is delighted now, peace is the voice of earth.

Spartans, sort out your wives: Athenians, yours.

Let each catch hands with his wife and dance his joy,

Dance out his thanks, be grateful in music,

And promise reformation with his heels.

ATHENIANS.

O Dancers, forward. Lead out the Graces,

Call Artemis out;

Then her brother, the Dancer of Skies,

That gracious Apollo.

Invoke with a shout

Dionysus out of whose eyes

Breaks fire on the maenads that follow;

And Zeus with his flares of quick lightning, and call,

Happy Hera, Queen of all,

And all the Daimons summon hither to be

Witnesses of our revelry

And of the noble Peace we have made,

Aphrodite our aid.

Io Paieon, Io, cry–

For victory, leap!

Attained by me, leap!

Euoi Euoi Euai Euai.

SPARTANS

Piper, gie us the music for a new sang.

SPARTANS.

Leaving again lovely lofty Taygetus

Hither O Spartan Muse, hither to greet us,

And wi’ our choric voice to raise

To Amyclean Apollo praise,

And Tyndareus’ gallant sons whose days

Alang Eurotas’ banks merrily pass,

An’ Athene o’ the House o’ Brass.

Now the dance begin;

Dance, making swirl your fringe o’ woolly skin,

While we join voices

To hymn dear Sparta that rejoices

I’ a beautifu’ sang,

An’ loves to see

Dancers tangled beautifully;

For the girls i’ tumbled ranks

Alang Eurotas’ banks

Like wanton fillies thrang,

Frolicking there

An’ like Bacchantes shaking the wild air

To comb a giddy laughter through the hair,

Bacchantes that clench thyrsi as they sweep

To the ecstatic leap.

An’ Helen, Child o’ Leda, come

Thou holy, nimble, gracefu’ Queen,

Lead thou the dance, gather thy joyous tresses up i’ bands

An’ play like a fawn. To madden them, clap thy hands,

And sing praise to the warrior goddess templed i’ our lands,

Her o’ the House o’ Brass.