by Arielle LeJarde

Listen to my playlist here.

Being raised in California, I always felt the pressure to be a certain way and look a certain way (“90210” by Wale). My whole life I felt like I wouldn’t be valued unless I fit this stereotypical California girl who was always happy, pretty, and positive. This made me feel alone all the time (“Jesus Christ” by Brand New) and no matter how many friends I had, I didn’t feel like I really belonged.

I decided I needed a change of pace  (“Cough Syrup” by Young the Giant) and four days after I turned 18, I moved back to where I was born (“New York City” by Among Savages) because although I didn’t remember a thing about the place, I felt like that’s where I needed to be. I knew it was going to be hard and I was going to feel alone again, but at least it was going to be on my terms and my decisions.

It was a tough transition because my family and friends weren’t there for me to fall back on (“Empty Space” by The Story So Far) and I had no other choice, but to grow up and be independent. The move here and supporting myself (“Creator” by Santogold) made me realize those materialistic things I valued back in California didn’t matter in the real world. Living in New York for the past year made me come to terms that I can’t change the way I am (“The Real Slim Shady” by Eminem) so I might as well accept it and own it (Power by Kanye West). If there is negativity that comes with finally being myself (Don’t Kill My Vibe by Kendrick Lamar) then so be it, but for now I guess I can just enjoy being young and doing me. (The Good Life feat. T Pain by Kanye West)

“Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.”