When I was in high school, I wondered about my future. I was thinking “I could be this profession…no it seems boring. Wait, maybe I could be this one, no wait, I suck at that.” So I left those questions to be answered by the future me, one in college.

Well now I am in college…Baruch College. The same questions still linger around inside my mind, yet, this time when I’m unable to come up with a answer, i cant help but feel this uncertainty and heaviness that seeps in. And I am trying to find answers to all these questions? Like, “What do you want to do? How are you going to do it? Are you going to enjoy and be happy doing it?

I see my friends already on a business professional career path, and I feel as if i’m being left behind, and being left alone. And it really sucks. For now, I’ll continue to blindly walk this path of uncertainty.

P.S. I swear I published this two weeks ago, but it seems it didn’t go through….kinda mad….

So I tried writing a really nice, uplifting story about that one time where I defied that one social convention and how it inspired me to risk everything in order to change the world.

You might recognize this character in literally every single fucking book.

The truth of the matter is, I wish I could do those things. I wish I could improve the lives of other people in some unique or extraordinary way.

To a lesser extent, this is the persona that everyone in society is expected to become. Every person, in the millions of people around you, is taught to believe they will be overly successful and extraordinary by the people around them.

Of course, it’s common knowledge that everyone can’t be special.

I am one of those extremely unextraordinary people that are quite good at pretending otherwise.

I would be the type of person that you would go to for help only to realize soon after the information I gave you was complete bullshit.

Because we can’t bear to admit that we don’t know.

.

“Wow really David you got into Cornell? Grats man u deserve it!” Reading the Facebook responses to my status hurt more than the lie itself. But I had to do it. The facade I worked so hard to build for four years is all I have left. That I am an intelligent, creative, outstanding individual.

I have the misfortune of being surrounded by amazing people. And so, when I hear about my best friend Kevin, getting into MIT, or the most popular girl in the school, Vashti getting into Cornell, even a professional like me can’t pretend they don’t suck.                          The excuses and lies that I gave to myself stopped working. That I didn’t want to be amazing or exceptional like everyone else. Because I did.

And so, I made a promise to myself. That I would aim to be completely mediocre, because as much as I don’t like it, that’s all I’ll ever be. Aiming and pretending to be exceptional like my father or classmates has only ever made me feel even more inferior.

I was pretending to myself, lying to everyone else, in the hope that if I acted as exceptional as everyone thought and expected of me, eventually I could be.

I wasn’t prepared for this. It takes a lot more than being smart to get through this. Procrastinating isn’t even an option anymore.

In high school you can get by.

In high school making friends is easy.

In high school, someone’s got you covered.

In high school, you don’t panic.

In high school, you could see your friends all the time.

Baruch is completely different. It tore me away from everyone I knew, makes me feel like I am not as smart as I thought I was and it’s just hard. Baruch has me commuting… something I never thought I’d do. Baruch brings out the worst of my social anxiety.

I can’t complain… I recently realized why I’m here and what I’m going to do with my time here, but it’s not the same. High School is OVER.

Yoga:

Mountain Pose

Standing Forward Bend

Monkey

Standing Forward Bend

Frog

Down Dog

Up Dog

Childs Pose

Mans Pose

Childs Pose

Up Dog

Down Dog

Pigeon

Down Dog

Pigeon

Down Dog

Plank

Table Top

Cat

Cow

Cat

Cow

Cat

Cow

With each breath i fall deeper and deeper into the stretch

Falling deeper and deeper into myself

But what was I looking for?

I still didn’t know

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/1910502_10202157907820090_1398580838826826736_n.jpg?oh=0a76cf70c5f4adf77e2a9759e363b8d5&oe=54BC86BE&__gda__=1425074229_ec3a87eda85ebe82f0a78459106db7d3

College has me always thinking about what to do with my time.  My time is incredibly valuable, because I waste so much of it.  Is paying attention in this lecture the best thing I can do sitting here?  Should I be doing math homework and worry about politics later?  What about my independent studies?  The markets are open now so surely that’s what I should be looking at.  This class is actually pretty entertaining so paying attention isn’t the worst thing to do.  I look around at my peers.  About half of them are paying attention, making eye contact with the professor and taking notes.  The rest are distracting themselves with laptops and phones.  They have taken sides, adamantly playing for their team.  I can’t decide which I belong to.  I hope I don’t get banned from the league.

Just a few months ago I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without asking a teacher.  Now I can leave whenever I want.  College is fun but it’s different, a lot of things are.  It’s only been a few months and a lot has changed.  From taking a 10 minute walk to school everyday to having a 1 hour commute,  I barely sleep anymore.  I’m slowly starting to realize most of the things I’ve heard about college are true.  You get no sleep, you might have boring classes/professors, no one reminds you that homework is due, and (if you commute) leaving early is the only way to avoid being late.  But at the same time, college can be the best years of your life, with new friends, new experiences, and unforgettable memories.  If I sacrifice a little bit of sleep, take some notes, and do my homework, I’m golden.  I’m gonna work hard to play harder, so I can make the most of my college years. 

Wow! The teachers in high school were right. College is definitely much more of challenge than those easy 8am to 3pm high school days. So much more responsibility, so little time. The fact that this is being written at 12:30 in the morning is just a little insight into my life as a college student. Waking up at 5:30am preparing for an hour and a half commute every morning is not something I would call enjoyable. Classes from 8am-3:45pm, another hour and a half going home, and then a five hour shift at work. You’ve just spend an average day in my shoes. Although I sound like someone full of complaints, I do still enjoy my life to the fullest. After all this is college, and there is no other time or experience that I will get that will compare to the college life. So why not make an attempt to try and do things that I know I’ll never do following graduation and the beginning of a career. Get to know people I would never imagine being friends with, traveling abroad for a semester, living in an NYC apartment on my own. These are all things that make college so special, in addition to making advancements to your education and furthering your knowledge. Nevertheless, there are some hidden truths behind these university doors. When we’re young we are full of all the false notions that college is all about partying, hanging out, and having fun. Truth is, college is a time to get serious and put all your efforts into doing well and finding your path in life. However, coming from an era that most of us freshman are from, it’s quite hard to be so optimistic. We come from a place where war is like second hand nature, where the economy is always in some form of “crisis”, and a world in which we fully know and unfortunately accept that many of us will be unemployed. Yet, for some reason we are now all freshman, all in the same place, same city, same school, same uncertainty of what life has to hold. I believe it’s safe to assume that all of us desire a successful future. And making strides such as going to college will only help us achieve nothing but success.

New school, new friends equal new beginnings. Over the past four years in high school I made lasting memories and loyal friends. Even though my high school friends and I will stay in touch, it’s a start of a new era for us as we go in our own directions to find our way in life. Starting college seems like starting over again, where you are the new kid in school except, this time the school has fifteen thousand students. But if you take a step back you realize everyone is here in the same situation where everyone else is waiting for the person to break the ice instead of having that awkward silence. You don’t know if you can trust the people you meet and sometimes you just want to stay in your comfort zone. It’s time for us to take that step and break out of comfort zone and try something new. The friends we make and the people we come into contact with every day will be the ones have a lasting impact shaping our lives.

To dorm or not to dorm, that is the question. I pondered that question for many months before making a final decision. Life in the city would be a great change from life in Staten Island. Plus it would save a ton of time when it comes to commuting. However it would pretty costly too. It would cost more to live in the dorms than at home, I would have to quit my job and i would have to get rid of my car. Do I really want to give all that up to live in the city? I didn’t so I chose to commute from home everyday, an hour and a half one to school and then another hour and a half home; 3 hours of my day spent on public transportation. At first I thought this commute would be the death of me but after the first couple weeks it started getting better. I have everything timed right now and i even incorporated studying into my time spent commuting. The only thing that hasn’t gotten better is the people I have to deal with daily, like the ones who rush onto the ferry like it’s going to run out of seats. But overall I think I made the right decision and I think I can handle this commute for the next 4-6 years of college.

Elementary school, junior high school, high school, college… When will it end? I’m tired. But I guess I gotta finish up this monologue before the due date (tomorrow morning). I’m slacking. Procrastination on high. It’s all too much. Where’s my life headed? I wish life had a rewind button so I could go back and enjoy naptime, games, and stuff. Yep, those were the days. The good life! And now what? Alarm clocks and responsibilities. “Do this so you can become that.” “Learn this so you could do that.” I gotta think now and I’m already losing hair as it is. But hey, it’s all worth it in the end I guess. Can’t let my guard down now. Gotta step up and not step down. Continue to educate and move with fate. Where did I stop? O yea! College! It’s never going to end (sigh).

“Dear Mohammed, I’m glad to inform you that you were accepted for the fall 2014 semester at Bernard M. Baruch College.” My reaction to this went a little something like this, “Mama I’m going to college! Gonna go learn how to make monayyyyyyy (money)! You looking at a future businessman!” I was ready, well I thought I was. I was the first person to go to college in my family so the pressure is already building up. I have to make my family proud. I mean if it were up to me then I would’ve still went to college, but wouldn’t have done much. Just enough to get by. Now that my family holds expectations of me then I gotta do what I gotta do to make them smile.

“August 28^th, 2014” was the date. First day of college and I was having mix feelings. I am already not a morning person so wasn’t in the mood to get up early. But somehow I managed. I felt like breaking my alarm clock, but like it was an iPhone so not a good idea. Got up, ate, dressed, and went out the door. When I arrived to Lexington Ave, I got lost and was running late as well. So my first day didn’t start off as perfect. As I arrive on campus, it was hard for me to concentrate. There were soooo many beautiful girls. Felt like going up and introducing myself. “Damn ma! On a rate of 1 to 10, you’re a 9 and I’m the 1 you need!” But, I thought it over and it didn’t seem right. Didn’t wanna get slapped either, it’s gonna ruin the rep. And I’m a gentleman myself and so I gotta classy. Anyway. I felt that this wasn’t the time for that. I want to make something of myself so I shouldn’t get off track even though there were so many distractions (wink). And I realized anyway that behind every rich, successful man, there are many woman, so I still have time for that later. As I set off on this new path, I plan to come out strong. “Grind now, shine later.” “That’s the motto n****, YOLO!” Nah, I’m playing. But yes, it’s time to make a difference, keep my head up, and move on with my life.