Anxiety Monologue

My darkest hours are not what everyone makes them out to be

They aren’t dark to begin with, since they normally happen underneath the fluorescent lighting in a classroom

My state of mind fluctuates like tides rising and lowering

All to come crashing down when time has passed

My body aches as the blood running through my vein feels like needles

With every pulse I make, it plays as an empty picture runs through my mind

My heart pounds in between my ears as I’ve now fully entered an alternate world of hell

I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay, I’ll be Okay……I’m okay

The arms of anxiety swoops down and cradles me in the moments I least expect it

It indulges off of my littlest fears and thoughts so she can exploit me

She doesn’t let me eat, sleep, think, or move. I am lifeless.

She then pours my emotions down my throat and forces me to not speak a single word.

Then anxiety will pull back my hair from my ears and whisper every little mistake or worry I’ve had

I cannot help but to listen to her voice, I’m in envy of whatever she tells me. Her voice is like a clock that ticks in my mind which rewinds back to all of my memories

It’s an evil hypnosis she’s done. I recall my memories from the entire week, however she reiterates the little worries and mistakes I’ve done so far.

Tears drop to my lap as my eyes swell with the images of my pathetic self

I imagine my life without my condition

I think of a life id would’ve been able to fulfill without, a life I wouldn’t have missed out on from weeks in hospitals and hours in therapy sessions

My mother would no longer need to live through these my traumatic experience, my brother on the other hand wouldn’t have to ponder on the horrors in this world.

Spot all the red things in this room, I tell myself.

I breathe and slowly begin to try and take my mind off.

My fingers intertwine with one another as I count the sweaters, fire alarm, pencil, and shoes, as slowly as possible.

I was not born to deal with this, I tell myself.

I will not let my traumatic history define me. For I have conquered it all by being still alive today.

I will love my body till the end of time since this is the only body I’ll be able to live in.

I feel pain

But pain is only temporary.