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I really like your essay! I think it’s well-written and there is a lot of detail, both personal and general. It also has a conversational feel to it, which I like, and the phrase “I lashed out at him fairly quietly” is interesting(in a good way; I like it). I also like how you included what you learned from your experience and how you thought about the same experience as well, i.e how you felt that you were not heard as much as you would’ve liked it have been. However, maybe try putting more figurative language in there(honestly it’s optional, but you can try if you want to make it a little more colorful). I also noticed that you said “I to some degree” I think that the I should be separated by commas even if you have used them directly before. Further, depending on how academic the essay is required to be, all of the numbers besides COVID 19 and 18(possibly) should be spelled out.
I like your draft! You did a great job with adding a lot of details to your essay. I like that you included what you learned from your experience and what it taught you. “sometimes I have to put my foot down to be heard.” I like how you added a lot of your thoughts and what you were thinking. I think the pacing of the story is a little slow. As I think anesthesia mentioned the 18 should be spelled out probably. if you added dialogues it would have been more engaging, but that’s optional. I think you’re missing some commas in some sentences. Other then that your writing was great and I was able to identify your teachable moment as that was clarified good.