2 thoughts on “Narrative Paper (Teachable Moment): 1st Draft”
Hello Gabriel, I thoroughly enjoyed your story telling and was able to identify the lead and the teachable moment which is a good sign. The way you express your parents interest going against your own is good too but i feel you are telling too much rather than showing. Also I feel that the pacing of the story is a bit slow. I realize that there is probably much to say but I think that you should try to condense some parts. I also think that it could be optimal to show the readers some suspense. The way I would do it is to show the crisis that you went through when your parents didn’t allow you to get the vaccine that was required to go to school. You could talk about how it might have affected your future and what you did in the meantime to pass the time. I understand how the religious exemption paragraph relates to the following paragraph after that but I feel that it should be 2-3 sentences to allow the readers to get to the next section a bit quicker. Overall I think you can use a bit more sensory tool to make it a bit more dramatic to lure the readers in.
I like reading your essay! I think the story was clear and precise. However, there are a few suggestions I would like to make. I think a few paragraphs could be shortened and I do feel as though it drags on, specifically think about condensing in the second and third paragraph. Some parts also are very detailed, I think you can make it more general and possible replace it with more room to build suspense. I do, however appreciate the emotions throughout the story, especially the tension and frustration you fell between you and your parents during the pandemic. Overall, it was a good first draft and I really like the reflection at the end as well!
Hello Gabriel, I thoroughly enjoyed your story telling and was able to identify the lead and the teachable moment which is a good sign. The way you express your parents interest going against your own is good too but i feel you are telling too much rather than showing. Also I feel that the pacing of the story is a bit slow. I realize that there is probably much to say but I think that you should try to condense some parts. I also think that it could be optimal to show the readers some suspense. The way I would do it is to show the crisis that you went through when your parents didn’t allow you to get the vaccine that was required to go to school. You could talk about how it might have affected your future and what you did in the meantime to pass the time. I understand how the religious exemption paragraph relates to the following paragraph after that but I feel that it should be 2-3 sentences to allow the readers to get to the next section a bit quicker. Overall I think you can use a bit more sensory tool to make it a bit more dramatic to lure the readers in.
I like reading your essay! I think the story was clear and precise. However, there are a few suggestions I would like to make. I think a few paragraphs could be shortened and I do feel as though it drags on, specifically think about condensing in the second and third paragraph. Some parts also are very detailed, I think you can make it more general and possible replace it with more room to build suspense. I do, however appreciate the emotions throughout the story, especially the tension and frustration you fell between you and your parents during the pandemic. Overall, it was a good first draft and I really like the reflection at the end as well!