Graduation day came and there was my mom, dad, and younger sister. My dad was holding flowers and my sister was just happy to see me. As for my mom she looked like someone snatched her soul, she almost forced a smile, dressed like a nun, and she just looked scared and lost. I knew immediately something was definitely going on with my mom I just didn’t know how serious it actually was. After the graduation ceremony we headed back to my dorm, which was now a suite and so I only shared my room with one other person but my roommate had already headed back home for the summer so it was just me. My things were already packed and ready to go my dad helped me bring them to the car while my mom just complained about how much she wanted to leave and she hated where I was.
My mom could just frustrate someone by the things she said because she quickly assumed most things but the things she was saying now sort of scared me for a minute but I quickly brushed it off.
“I saw a lot of evil at your graduation, lots of witches, and people wishing to do bad things,” she said as I looked at her completely puzzled.
“Jannette!” my dad would burst warning her to be quiet and snap out of it.
My dad always protected me and my sisters from things he thought we didn’t have to worry about or should even know. At that point I still didn’t know what was going on but it was only a matter of time before I found out.
“Mommy is in the hospital she snapped and broke down outside,” my older sister said slightly panicking over the phone.
I was speechless and still had no idea what was going on. As I approach the hospital with my dad it wasn’t your normal emergency room, all the patients seemed a bit different. Visits were in a big white room with windows facing the front of the hospital towards the parking lot. The visit seemed almost like a jail visit to me, my mom was in a big white t-shirt and oddly she was happy to see me. Couldn’t help but just to sit there and wonder what was going on because although this had all happened I still hadn’t known exactly what happened until my older sister decided she should tell me.
My mom was in a psychiatric ward and still I wondered how did this all happen and why does it seem like it happened so fast.
“Mommy has been doing bad mentally, your dad didn’t want to worry you while you were in school. You should look up psychosis so you have an idea of her condition because if she continues to refuse to drink her medication she is only setting herself up to get worse” my sister said very straight forward.
Psychosis as I found out after research is a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.
My sister was very familiar with what was going on with my mom because she was studying psychology so she translated everything that was going on to me and prepped me on the best ways to handle it. A month went by and my mom was finally released I couldn’t help but to worry how my little sister must have been feeling or thinking witnessing all of this at just 12 years old.
After my mom was released she refused to drink her medication and now when she went out one of us had to accompany her at all times. We feared she would lash out and cause harm to somebody because in her mind she may think they were trying to do something bad to her. It all weighed heavily on all of us in different ways my dad with his already stressful job as a police officer, my sister trying to pay attention to her family and still be there for her mom, my little sister who doesn’t fully comprehend what’s going on, and me who still had to focus on finding a new school to attend while I worked and just didn’t have the time to babysit an adult.
As my mom began to speak about the people that were trying to harm her it started worry me, it was tough dealing with someone who didn’t want to help himself or herself. I tried to have normal conversations with her as much as I could but she would always bring up something so bizarre.
“They’re listening, turn your phone off so we can talk,” she would say to me while she pointed to her phone.
That’s when I realized I’ve lost my mom; there was nothing about her that seemed familiar to me anymore.
(NOTE: I still would like to add more dialogue as I read my own story over and over and slowly begin to remember more. However I wanted to post this to get some feedback and advice. I know my story has potential I just feel like I am overthinking the details I want to include and how I want to say them so they sound intriguing to the reader. Please comment with advice and thoughts on what I have so far (as far as the middle).)
Hi there,
I really like your story. It is definitely has a good start. I like how you described your mother’s look, it made reader to think that there is something wrong. Although, I would almost prefer if you began with your mother’s comment about people at your graduation being witches etc. It will set a suspense feeling.
Regarding the details, if you could in details describe the institution where you’ve visited your mother: how people walk, react, dress, color of the walls, smell, authmosphere, feelings that you experienced, how your mother’s eyes looked, her hair, her body movements etc. I would like to see more imagery in your piece, simple without telling a reader more than they need to know. “Show don’t tell.”
In any event, thank you for sharing such a personal story. So sorry about your mother. I am looking forward to read more, and really wish for her to get better. I know how it can be difficult.
All the best,
Y
This is a really haunting situation, especially for a 12-year-old to experience. I agree with the previous comment: it takes guts to share something like this!
As for the excerpt itself, I don’t necessarily think that you need to add more dialogue. I do think that you should go back and do some grammatical and also formatting edits, though; at times, certain sentences seemed like they were rambling. But overall, this is a really great start; your detail is your biggest strength. I felt it when you wrote that she “looked like someone had snatched her soul”; that’s a really powerful sentence, especially when used so early on!
A few last things: I’m confused about your transition from Graduation Day to your mom’s hospitalization. I’d like to see more context, if possible, or at least I wanted to know how much time elapsed between your graduation and her hospitalization. Also, why were you in a dorm if you were only 12 years old? I got the feeling that you went to boarding school, which is a whole story by itself. And finally, you mentioned “That’s when I realized I lost my mom. There was nothing about her that seemed familiar anymore.” Because you’ve given us access only to these first few paragraphs, I don’t know what came next, but I do want to emphasize that your final sentence indicates that you’ll be discussing your mom during her more stable days.
All in all, this is an important topic to write about. There is a lot of literature available that gives insight into the minds of psychiatric patients, but their families’ experiences often go unnoticed. It’s interesting and heartbreaking to hear it from the point of view of a child, and I really appreciate your openness and honesty.
Thank you for sharing this personal story, I have experienced a similar situation in my family also so this resonates with me very much. I understand that the details of your experience with your mom can be hard to talk about openly but I would suggest to try to give as much insight to your relationship with her before and after this incident to show a full picture of who your mom is and what this diagnosis is like, in order to allow people to have a great understanding of mental illness. I look forward to reading more of your story.
Greater** understanding I meant^^