HOST INTRO: Dinner tables set for two. Couples with their hands intertwined, strolling through Central Park. Two newlyweds celebrating outside of City Hall. Though, our society had legalized same-sex marriage in 2015, the notion that a relationship could involve more than two people has still stayed a taboo topic in today’s modern world.
AMBI: (Bar atmosphere, music playing.)
TRACK: I’m here at a local bar in Flushing, Queens. It’s a relaxed Tuesday night. Jessica Garcia, 26, and her current partner, Denis Ramos, 29, frequent here often as a means to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life. She met her current partner on OKCupid two years ago.
ACT: “He first told me he was polyamorous on our first date.”
TRACK: This is Plural Love.
TRACK: “We were hanging out and I told him that I was dating multiple people, and he said that’s fine, I’m polyamorous. And I kind of had a sense of what he meant when he said the word ‘poly,’ which means more than one. And I didn’t understand the full concept of it, but I understood that’s he dating or seeing multiple people as well.”
TRACK: According to a study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy in April 2016, 21 percent of people have had a non-monogamous relationship. So, what does this mean? To be polyamorous, is by definition, the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved. The data that was gathered from almost 9,000 respondents in the annual Singles in America survey shows that polyamory is more common than people might realize. However, even though it might be common, that doesn’t mean it’s also straightforward. And, that’s partly because every polyamorous relationship is different.
AMBI: (Denis and Jessica interacting. Jessica laughing, Denis saying “Can’t have a bad first meeting when you pick up a girl on a motorcycle.”)
ACT: “So, we texted immediately and he told me that he had a motorcycle. To me, that comes across as someone that is adventurous, a risk tasker. So, that’s attractive. And, I think he knows that, he’s aware of that. He had a helmet for me, a jacket for me. So, I rode in the motorcycle with him and it was really thrilling, it was really great. He set the bar there already, for sure. Then we both had pupusas because we’re both El Salvadorian.”
TRACK: Jessica shares that even in the beginning stages of their relationship, she knew she wanted to be with him.
ACT: “I knew really early on that I really liked him. I knew early on that no – he makes my heart pitter patter. We became official after two months. I felt like we were already feeling that beforehand, though. We definitely liked hanging out with each other.”
ACT: DENIS: “At first we had our bumpy moments. You know, just getting used to the different dynamic and trying not to always be keeping score between all the different people, because that’s not always productive. But yeah, she learned fast.”
AMBI: (Bar atmosphere, music playing. Jess: “I wasn’t the only keeping score.”)
ACT: “I think, I really started identifying as polyamorous when I was dating multiple people. I had to balance what it was like dating multiple people that I respected, and whose feelings I cared about. And I had to balance their schedules and my schedules. And, especially when it gets the point where you like each other, and then it’s like oh shit, I have to, you know, balance two people that I really like and really care about or multiple people.”
TRACK: Jessica had explained that because she was new to the polyamory family, she needed to do some research first. Like many curious individuals, it can be confusing to differentiate what it means to be polyamorous and what it means to be in an open relationship.
ACT: “ As a Christmas present, I got a book that was called More Than Two, that is basically a book that is explaining polyamory. It’s still a new coined term. It only was invented in the 90’s, basically. To me, polyamorous means multiple loves or multiple relationships. And those relationships can be sexual, emotional, romantic, romantic and sexual. To me, an open relationship means that you have maybe one partner and you both see other people, and that can be mostly sexual. For polyamorous you can be in multiple serious relationships.”
AMBI: (Bar atmosphere, music playing. Denis and Jessica interacting.)
TRACK: Once Jessica began her relationship to Denis, then came the question: How will her friends and family react?
ACT: “Depending on the friend I think there was apprehensiveness towards it. I think the first thing they thought was: Is he going to hurt her? Maybe they didn’t take it too seriously or something because, you know, we were raised that monogamy is the main goal. I think eventually my friends got used to it, even though it was confusing for them to understand, I think they understood that it was what I was comfortable with and what I was happy with. As far as my family, I just told my parents, I think my parents are still a little confused. But they were accepting about it. I loved the quote my dad gave me. I came out as everything. I came out as bisexual to them as well. I came out as dating multiple people. ‘I don’t care if you’re dating twenty boys or twenty girls, as long as you’re coming home safe.’”
TRACK: Jessica and Denis have been in a relationship for two years. However, since that time, Jessica has been seeing multiple people. She recently just came out of a one-year relationship with her second partner.
ACT: “Right now, my partner and I like to say that we’re single, because we’re only seeing each other right now. But just because we’re seeing each other, doesn’t mean we’re monogamous. We’re still polyamorous because we still have the option to date other people, as long as we’re communicating with each other what’s going on. It’s constant communication. It is, what’s going on. I got this person’s number, things are going good with this person, things are not going good with this person, things are happening next with this person. If its consent, everyone is consenting and aware to be in this situation, that’s polyamory.”
TRACK: Aside from balancing her dating life, Jessica is currently completing her teaching program during the day, and at night, she works as a hostess full-time.
ACT: “Its hard. You think being in one relationship is enough, its hard being in two. Even with both my partners, we got to a point where we got comfortable and hung out at home a lot. We watched TV and cooked food.”
AMBI: (Bar atmosphere, music playing. Denis and Jessica interacting.)
ACT: DENIS: “We talk a lot; we text a lot. We’re always communicating. We’re always putting in in the effort to spend time together when we can.”
TRACK: Now that Jessica has been in several polyamorous committed relationships; she feels as though she can never go back.
ACT: “I don’t think I can ever be monogamous now. Only because, there is this very known notion about it. It’s a complex answer. There’s this very freeing notion about it. It’s wonderful to feel this free notion that, if you want to, you can get somebody’s number, if you want to you can kiss another person, as long as you’re communicating. At the same time, am I searching for stability? Yes. At the same time, do I believe in that other half? Yes. That’s sort of embedded in us. We’re habitual creatures my nature. Just because I have stability, it doesn’t mean I can’t also have my freedom at the same time. If you’re a person that wants to be monogamous and only your partner that its consensual, that’s beautiful and that’s wonderful. The whole point is that it’s a choice. That you choose to be monogamous and you can choose to be with this person. Meanwhile, you can choose to be polyamorous and have multiple people that you want to see and fall in love with. And still I think you can still have stability and freedom, and have multiple people that give you richness in your life.”
TRACK: For years, evolutionary psychologists have questioned whether or not humans are meant to be in monogamous relationships. Some scientists look at both social and sexual monogamy in humans as more of a societal structure instead of a natural state. Jessica shares her thoughts.
ACT: If you look at nature, all the species, there’s only maybe two animal species that are monogamous. I think it’s more of a social construct. I should say marriage upholds this idea of monogamy because you’re basically vowing yourself to this one person. The important thing is that you educate yourself on all the options available to you. If you happen to be very lucky and explore, find something that fits you. If it makes you happy, then it makes you happy, at the end of the day.”
AMBI: (Bar atmosphere, music playing. Denis and Jessica interacting.)
ACT: “Just because you happen to have multiple relationships, or you’re in an open relationship right now, that doesn’t devalue your relationship than being in a monogamous relationship. I think people usually think those relationships are not serious, because they consider marriage serious, and marriage equal monogamy. So, they consider monogamy serious. So, anything that is not monogamy, is not serious or not valued enough. You can have multiple relationships and they are serious, and people grow and learn from each other, and that doesn’t mean that relationship holds any less value than a monogamous relationship.”
ACT: If you can have multiple partners, why not. Take it slow, have a lot of conversations. Communication, conversations.
TRACK: Jessica and Denis are still going strong, and hope to grow and spend many years together, and explore other partners as well.
TRACK: This is Melissa Bacian, for Baruch College, signing off.