Michael C.

I think Michael is pursuing a great idea in terms of his essay. There are a number of things he can work on. I feel like he can develop his essay a lot further by organizing it and providing structure to his paragraphs. If he starts his paragraphs with a topic sentence the readers will know what each paragraph is predominantly about. This will help the structure because there will be no repetition and each paragraph will explore an individual idea. Since Michael is telling a story about a period of time in his life, he would benefit a lot from ordering everything chronologically. In terms of sentence structure, there are sentences that he can cut out and add new ones and elaborate on. I also believe he can combine a couple of his paragraphs because they explore similar topics. Michael can add more detail to his work such as how the hard work made him feel. He can delve deeper into the relationship he had with his friend. He can talk about where he sees his new job taking him. He can talk about what his family thinks of his new job. In terms of his introduction I would have liked to see him give a bit more context on what was going on in his life at the time. How the job affected everything around him. What the change in jobs meant for his schedule and affected other aspects of his life. Michael does a good job of telling us thinks such as how he felt he was benefiting from the new job. I really liked that because it shows that he is growing as a person and taking his job seriously. I feel like he could have set the tone and setting in his introductory paragraph stronger if he had just added a bit more bulk to it.

 

Jack

Now this is what I call an essay. The topic you chose instantly grasped my interest. I think it’s something a lot of people don’t talk enough about. Wow!!! The hook for your intro is by far the best part. I just wanted to keep reading to see what would happen so I applaud you on that. It would make sense to combine your first and second paragraph but I can see why you would split the two. You provided a great context and setting after surprising the reader with your first initial statements. There are a couple sentences that are grammatically incorrect that you can easily fix by reading over your paper. Your sentence structure can also improve. I would suggest you rewrite your sentences and phrase a couple of them differently so they flow better. Honestly I can’t get over the fact that you picked such a great topic to talk about especially since our social climate is what it is right now. I think your helping to give adults who don’t have any idea of what teen life is like an idea of how social media plays a role in our lives. I like how your showing people a modern love story in some sense. Since your essay is very loose and outgoing I wouldn’t say you have to structure it anymore but you can combine a couple of the paragraphs. At some instances, the chronological order of events is a bit confusing. I don’t think you should talk about the same topic in a different paragraph because the reason a paragraph is a separate entity is because it talks about something different. Therefore if you are going to talk about something similar in a different paragraph I suggest you bring it all into one paragraph to really centralize the ideas. Overall a really interesting topic and essay. Great use of dialogue throughout and I really like how you let the readers know what your thinking. If you add a bit more of what’s going on in your mind and how it affected your social life and everything around you I think it will give the readers and added sense of understanding.