FRO 14 DFA

How can I define myself when I’m too busy living?
I’ve asked myself at nausea,
Conscious of my exhaustion,
Because I’m overworked,
And I’m overlooked because my parents don’t care how hard I work,
It’s the work I don’t do that they make remarks over,
I’m a car, and my mind is parked,
And my front tire is flat,
My windshield was ripped off,
And my rear window flipped forward,
I can’t see behind me, and I can’t wipe the obstacles,
And reaching my goals become impossible,
I don’t know who I am, but I see where I’m going, and I stop and think who am I?
But I don’t know cause I’m in the moment, electrified by the outspoken,
Because their minds are enraged by the warrant of fear and humility,
So they tranquil there stability and sleep on their thoughts,
And I’m a radio that speaks when all is lost,
Flourishing with channels at the cost of my sanity,
So my thoughts are spread in a mix,
Linked to the diversity of my life,
I don’t know who the fuck I am, but I keep moving because I’m busy living,
I’m a tree, and she was not,
But she connected with my thoughts and I found myself through her ambition,
And together we were unstoppable,
And I was invincible, but she left, and
I was invisible, cause I’m just a fucking tree, and I have nowhere to go, while she’s off on her rodeo around the world, and I sit and I think who am I? Because I’m tired of my endless tries when love is lost and I ask myself why! But I have no idea because I’m too busy living,
I’m a honey badger, I’m not scared,
I’ll suck the poison out of death,
And feed off of its meat, then thrive in the jungle, standing tall on two feet,
I can’t die because I have too much to do,
No time to sit around and think about you,
I’ve got a better connection that inflates my sensation until my mind is more like an animation,
So unrealistic but so true,
Who am I? I have no clue,
I’m a balloon, filled with confidence,
Floating high above my beautiful siblings who smile and chant my name to play
And I’m tossed and popped and inflated again, with messages of precedents that I must set, Afraid of going too high into the clouds but, but maybe that is where I belong,
As they let me free unaware that I’ll just keep flying if they don’t hold on, and I float and I ask who am I?
I have no clue,
I know I am someone, but I can never define him,
Because I am too busy living.

THIS.

THIS IS THE MONOLOGUE.

Life isn’t short, but it is unbelievably fast. It will not stop for you or for me.

You can find me enjoying every moment of it. Especially the hours of the night.

It’s literally the only time I can truly concentrate. The only time I feel that my full potential is expressed.

I was born in the day but created in the night.

My mother may have given birth to me at noon, but I found ‘I’ at midnight.

With my face between books that painted the walls of my bedroom.

From Orwell to Rand to Thoreau, these great minds all now have a piece of their grandeur within me.

The late hours of the night have been kind to me.

They have given me peace, calm, and quiet.

Conditions that are rarely found in this bustling world.

Where the stress of what’s next is gone as time loses its existence.

The night to me is not an escape. Rather it is the freedom to my life.

Where typography shifts into hieroglyphics as night becomes dawn.

There is nothing more beautiful than being enlightened during the darkest hours.

I am the nocturnal creature that sleeps in on Saturday afternoons, recuperating the lost sleep of the week.

I am ‘I’ thanks to the existence of the night.

THIS.

THIS IS THE END.

But see, just like the world has the end of its day, this is just the beginning of my night.

B. RUIZ

What’s there to say about college? College has been a vastly different experience compared to high school. I had never needed to pull an all-nighter before (at most stay up until 1:00am) but I’ve already done it twice in the past two months. Nowadays I feel far more exhausted than I was in high school despite getting more sleep now (went to sleep at 12:00-6:30 compared to now at 11:30-7:30). The “freedom” is much, much greater compared to in high school because there is simply far more  but at the same time there is a larger expectation to put time into quality work. In spite of these changes, I look forward to these challenges because I know that there is nothing that can be more satisfying than overcoming these obstacles.

Growing up, there was one rule that I constantly heard and eventually ingrained into mentality and that is “treat others as you yourself want to be treated.” This includes but is not limited to looking at things from other people’s perspectives to properly understand their reasoning, care not to say anything that may offend them, and, of course, treat them as nicely as possible. Every single person on this planet deserves respect because they all have good qualities within them, and by looking at these good qualities only then can there be a true appreciation of life.

Let’s face it. An only child is like a prince on a throne. The world as he knows it should revolve around him, and that is a lesson that his parents taught him since he was old enough to ask for things. He grew up with a mother who wanted to preserve his childhood for as long as possible, and as a result that childhood became almost permanent. He was constantly hailed as a smart and talented kid,  blessed with “such unimaginable potential, if he could only utilize it through hard work.” Feeling as though he didn’t need to prove himself anymore, that kid went on to fly through middle and high school with average grades and no motivation. Realizing only last second during senior year of high school that not everyone knew of his capabilities, because through a lack of hard work, none of them were showing. Determined to change his poor attitude, this young adult now entered Baruch College. With a steady relationship, and a whole summer of mental preparation, he felt as if his true capabilities could shine brightly, not like the lack-luster brown of the feces he had been dishing out before. The world was moving with him. Then, just like Murphy’s Law, anything that could go wrong, did. He lost his girlfriend, and with it his motivation. His lung gave out on him. Fortunately, it was only temporary, but not even his health was stable. As a result, his determination to shine faded into darkness. He realized his mind was still  that of  prince’s. After that realization, he knew that nothing would change, unless he accepted the change that slapped him across the face. Quite hard I might add. With it, he is now determined to tackle, and even conquer his academic career. That dethroned prince, who seemingly lost his motivation and false presence of valor, is me: Filip Tabak. The prince of a false, egocentric world, and a peasant with many lessons to learn in the real one.

Life has been rough and I been through a lot of trials and tribulations. I had the most important things and persons forcefully ripped out of my life forever but I still try to push on. Fighting for a better living is my only option. I fight not only for myself but for a team. A team that kept me sane all these years, supporting me believing in me and loving me unconditionally. It’s quite obvious I’m referring to my family members. They were all I had when I had nothing and I plan to move up in life and take them with me. I’m a man of simple desires. All I want is to be loved and love others equally.
Money has little meaning to me, because it can do so much for you. Sure it can buy you all the materialistic things in life, but how long will that last? You can spend all your life manipulating others and succumbing to greed but where will that get you? Your money won’t miss you when you die, it can’t love you neither can it carry on your legacy. I’m the type of guy who want to live life for what it is not what it can be. If your life goal is to pursue money, you will never be satisfied and you will only live life based of what you want it to be.
I take an optimistic approach to everything. Life is too short to be saddened by the little things. All it takes is a smile to make life a little bit better, so whenever I see someone down in the “slums” dreading life I often try to do something super cheesy and the person will usually smile. A small gesture but it helps a little and who knows maybe that little spark of positivity could do wonders for someone.
I could go on talk about myself but I rather leave some things an enigma. Just remember as long as you live a little happiness is guaranteed.

Sometimes I need a break and I yearn to be in my hometown, sipping on fresh pressed mango juice as I watch the sun set on the pyramids from the roof of my building. As much as I want to, I know I cannot just pack my bags leave; there is too much at stake. The foundation of my livelihood: my education, the family business, and future career opportunities all facilitate themselves right here in New York. Therefore, I have come to the realization that I will have to survive in the concrete jungle for a few years before being reunited with my beloved country. In the meantime, I have developed into a man of many goals and ambitions. My number one goal in life is to support my parents; a small price to pay for all they have given me. Perhaps this goal serves as motivation for completing my education and receiving a degree, especially when many of those around me have given up and lost focus.Until I am able to support them financially, I contribute my time and effort around the house and at the family business in order to relieve my parents of their tough schedules. During my free time, I associate myself with those that share similar goals, and luckily these people have been my friends since toddler age. As I grow older, I feel overwhelmed by some of the responsibilities of being an adult, in fear of being unable to fulfill these duties. However, I am reassured by my strong support system that I will be able to preform. Although I wish to eventually be in a different setting through constant maturation, hard work, and perseverance; I am contempt and extremely thankful for my current stage of being and even more excited to see what the next stage will hold!

So this is college. Who knew that for the first half of my freshmen year I’d be with the same people and actually have the chance to make some great friends. College really isn’t anything like the movies portray it though, it’s magical and completely different in almost every single way. College for me is a world of responsibilities, opportunities and freedoms that I never had before. I grew up in Brooklyn and always went to small schools. My elementary, middle, and high school only had about a thousand kids each and most of my friends journeyed with me through each grade. Besides my group of friends, dancing was also a very big part of my life and it stayed with me through the years. But ever since college started I simply have not had the time for dancing. I only visited my studio 3 times in the past couple of months, which is a disgrace considering I used to spend at least 6 hours a week there. The girls and boys who I grew up with at dance, are people who I now rarely see even though they mean so much to me. Dance taught me a lot about myself and brought me to a place I can basically call home. My high school was also a place in which I felt very comfortable. I had great friends, which I had known from elementary school; phenomenal teachers, who were willing to help with any issue; and even an Assistant Principal who I can call anytime for whatever reason. I hope that Baruch can become a new home for me too since I will be spending much of my next four years there. I also hope that I can take advantage of the opportunities given to me at Baruch and have the time of my life while studying my butt off to achieve all that I know I am capable of.

So far, I really like it here at Baruch. Not as much as the first month though, because they don’t give out free food anymore. I have so much more time and freedom for myself than I did during high school. Because I was in an agriculture program at John Bowne High School, I had to have double period of agriculture each year, which made my schdeule so long.. Except the freshman year when my schedule was periods 3~10, which is a normal schdedule, I had periods 1~10 for the rest of my years, even senior year!! Therefore, I love my college schedule, even if I have to come to school Monday to Friday.

As I said, I was in the agriculture program during high school, animal science to be more exact. There is a mini farm right at our school with miniature horses, cows, sheeps, goats, alpacas, and small animals, birds, and reptiles. Most of my classmates went to vet majors or other majors of the animal field, and I was the only one that came to baruch.

During weekends, I have a part time job. I work at asian supermarkets handing out samples of food products and advertising them. It’s pretty fun and a good part time job for college students! If any of you girls are interested, just ask me anytime 🙂

College is such a chill place compared to my high school and I’m having a good time because I’ve met some great people. Right now, I’m just trying to learn as much as I can about anything that interests me the slightest bit, trying to figure out what I truly enjoy. My main goal is to be successful in whatever I do. I have a lot of goals and I want to fulfill all of them. From going to a Knicks game at MSG to landing a nice internship on Wall Street, I do not want to have any regrets that I could not do something. I want to improve on my good qualities when it comes to working hard but also learn to communicate better with others and gain the confidence that I can do anything if I put my mind and all my effort towards it. While doing all this I still wanna have fun, spend time with my friends and not let college consume my life. I”m still going to play ball or watch movies but limit the time I waste and study a little more because I know I can do better. One thing for sure is that I will never stay up all night studying because that’s not who I am and I will not put myself in that position. It’s just too crazy.

It’s hard being the “good girl.”  Everybody thinks of you as an angel.  Once this guy told me that I have a pure heart. In my head I was like “oh my God” not again. They see me as the epitome of holiness. Don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to say that they’re totally wrong. I’m just saying that they need to give me a break. They need to stop putting me on a pedestal and glorifying me. Furthermore, people have high expectations of good girls.  They expect us to live up to a certain reputation or certain standards of behavior. I’ve always done everything that was expected of me. But when I bend the rules a little bit it’s World War 3. I’m reprimanded, and labeled a lazy girl for not answering the phone at 5 am in the morning. Who wakes up at 5am in the morning when classes start at 10?  Who wakes up early during the weekends?.  They don’t understand the fact that I’m not in High school anymore; therefore my classes don’t start at 7 or 8am. I need freedom. I’m tired of people controlling my life. I’m ready to live my life and soar like an eagle.