At 9:00AM I looked down from a relaxation area on the 10th floor of Baruch. Looking down I see countless students and adults moving from location A to B. For some reason at this moment a wave of fear hit me. So many people, so many futures and careers and there I was little old me. What can I do to be special, Who am I that will set me aside from everyone else, How will the world remember me. As I frantically search my mind for these answers I feel as I’m falling in a deep hole. My chest becomes empty, limbs are paralyzed and eyes fixated on the floor. How can such a free fun loving spirit such as mine be able to compete with these people. As I look down I feel gone.

Then I look up. I force a smile and realize I will never be able to answer these questions. Not yet. Part of going to college is realizing just how lost you are and finding yourself. I know I’ll find myself if I just stay positive and strong. I know I can be special if I keep moving forward. I realized I had to look down from the 10th floor to help me look forward to a bright future.

“So then it’s Baruch?” They say with a hopeful smile.

“Uh– yea okay, yea it’s Baruch,” I reply

My whole family jumps up and down while proceeding to smile and hug me tightly. Everyone around me was happy but all I could feel were the knots tying up in the pit of stomach. I hope my fake smiles could keep them at bay. But honestly, I wasn’t upset about it. It would’ve been selfish really to demand that I go to some tucked away college in the west, all cozy in my dorm room a thousand miles away as my parents work day and night to send my sister to medical school and my brother, a senior in high school, to college soon too. And so, I am okay with my decision.

Walking into that heavy steel revolver the first day was annoying. I had already decided my college experience was going to be horrible so I just decided to just get through it already. This is college I reassured myself. And the thoughts of people back home shaking their sympathetic faces at me filled my head.

“Commuting huh? That’s gotta be tough. Yea it’ll be hard to make good friends but hey, its just undergrad right!”

But now I stand here before you: Yes, not in an LC; yes, commuting; and yes, wanting to pursue one of the hardest majors at Baruch. And no longer am I okay with my decision: I’m proud of it. Because not only have these few weeks at Baruch taught me more as a person than all of high school combined, but I’m looking forward to the rest of the year. I’m looking forward to sleeping over at the library with my friends because we left our work till the last minute and don’t have time to commute home. I’m looking forward to visiting all the tourists sights that I always forget about doing now that I can come to the city anytime because of my lirr monthly pass. I’m looking forward to finding that random delicious bistro that one day we tried out after class. I’m looking forward to going to my first job interview and being confident because I know STARR center prepared me well enough for it. And I look forward to running into my sister and brother’s arms telling them I got the job not because I sacrificed my choice college for them, but because I actually unknowingly picked the right one. Even though I expected you to, you haven’t let me down yet Baruch. Here’s to four years of great college memories!

Yesterday was stressful.

Today is stressful.

Tomorrow will be stressful.

This whole week will be stressful.

Ever since college started, everything has been stressful.

So much to do in so little time.

Losing sleep just to finish unwanted assignments.

Everything is so stressful.

Can I just sleep away all this stress?

Or at least, take me back in time where nothing really mattered.

Because I miss those times so much.

HAPPY-I just want to be happy. But what exactly does happy mean?

H is for Harmony because it’s better to have friends than have enemies. Because I don’t like conflict. Because it’s my strength. Because it’ll make me happy.

A is for Authenticity because I need to show who I really am. Because I’m different. Because being me is better than being anyone else. Because it’ll make me happy.

P is for Prosperity because I want to have a great future. Because I want to be successful. Because I want to be a great accountant. Because it’ll make me happy.

P is for Persistence because I won’t let anything stop me. Because I’ve worked too hard to give up now. Because I want to strive. Because it’ll make me happy.

Y is for Youth because I’m young. Because I have so much to do and experience. Because I have yet to accept that I’m getting old. Because it’ll make me happy.

But why is happiness so important? It gets me through the days where I feel like I can’t do anything anymore. It gives me something to look forward to.

Happiness is more than a smile on your face. It’s your dream. It’s when you feel you have accomplished all that you’ve wanted. Where you reach that feeling of satisfaction and comfort. Why wouldn’t you want to be happy?

Oh and that’s me!!! HIIII 🙂 

Those twittering, jittering, fluttering nerves. Bouncing around like cold butterflies in your stomach.
Oh gosh you think you just made a new friend.
You think.
You’ve been chatting casually with her in class for the last couple of weeks. Stuff about class. Stuff about homework. Stuff about stuff outside of class and homework. Does that make her a friend?
Class is almost ending. Maybe you should ask for her contact information. Her number.

Naw man what if she gets the wrong idea.

N-n-n-n-no. No. No. No. You just want a friend. You don’t even swing that way.

She probably doesn’t even think of you as a friend.

It doesn’t hurt to just ask. The worst that can happen is that she says no.

What if she just gives you her number ’cause she pities you.

Ah- no, no she won’t do something like that.

Oh look she’s packing up. She didn’t even say bye.

No, wait, hurry up and pack your things.

And now she’s at the door!

Oh, flipping butternuggets- “CanIhaveyounumberp- ah damn it.”

Annnnd she is gone. That was pathetic.

Heeeeey, but you tried.

She didn’t even hear you.

Ask her next time.

‘Okay. Okay. I will. I’m pretty sure she’s a friend. I think.’

After graduating high school I thought to myself that college was going to be just another four years of school.

I’ve never been more wrong.

While I was in high school I used to procrastinate so much, leaving assignments to do the day before it’s due. I really didn’t have my priorities set straight during high school. I would spend more time with friends rather than studying and doing my homework. It felt like I had no responsibilities.

Now I’m in college, and as soon as I received the syllabus for every class I realized procrastination was not an option. All my bad customs in high school I had to forget. I forced myself to do any assignment ahead of time. This way I avoid doing multiple ones for every class at the same time. I also had to ask my boss for less work days realizing that I wouldn’t have time to study. All these good decisions will shape me for the future. My high school mentality was gone. I now feel grateful that I’m in college because many people can’t for many reasons. I must forget all my bad habits and take responsibilities for all my actions. I’m an adult. I will learn to act as one. There’s no looking back. I owe it to me and my family to succeed. They’ve given me everything they have to offer. Now it’s my turn.

College. It is what we spend the first 12 years of our education worrying about, working for etc. Well we’re here. Now what?

More class, more teachers, more papers. Honestly, nothing different from past 12 years. Paper, test, paper, test, quiz, more papers, more tests…

Then, you look up from your computer screen, which you’ve spent all night staring at, finishing that English essay that is due tomorrow. You rub your eyes, praying that you’ll be able to get to sleep before it is time for you to get up and start all over again. Finally, you pause. Breathe, and take another look.

Thinking about why in the world you are still awake, you take a peek underneath the surface of all the work that never seems to stop piling up. You suddenly unveil the newness and excitement that you’ve been hoping for. There, you find an entire world that pulls you in, and you become enwoven in the fabric of an amazing experience that will span the next four years of your life.

Yet, as I jump in, head first, excited to take the leap, I can’t help but reflect on how I got to this point. I think of how lucky I am to be able to have this experience, meet these people, join these clubs and get the most out of this vital point in my life.

My parents come to mind. They have worked so hard, worried so much, and spent so much of their energy and time on making sure that I have everything they didn’t. Without them I would be nowhere and I would never have been able to undergo such an incredible experience.

Knowing that there are so many out their who suffer on a daily basis, and who have no idea what the next minute, let alone the next day will bring, makes me appreciate all of this so much more. It makes me feel a little less tired at 4 in the morning, staring at my computer screen, finishing that English paper that is due in six hours.

So, college is different. It is different from the past twelve years and it will be different from the next twelve. It will be different from any point in our lives, and it is a time that we will forever remember with fondness and adoration. A time of stress that will be filled with plenty of worrying and sleepless nights. Even so, there is nothing like college.

Esther gives good advice.
When someone is in trouble, she talks with them.

Jay expresses his thoughts in writing.
His letter has sincerity.

Kim treats people with respect.
Everyone who knows her loves her.

Amanda loves to bake.
Her brownie makes people happy.

People who know what they like to do are happy.
Tomorrow I wish I can find mine.

And this is self-portrait I drew.

My anxiety is setting in. I had never been more nervous. Do I wear a dress? Something more casual? It’s only coffee. What kind of shoes? Heels? Flats? The options seemed endless.

My anxiety is building. I keep checking the time. I was ready an hour early. 6:00. I check again. 6:03. Again, 6:05. I was convinced this clock was moving slower than normal.

My anxiety is building. I’m pacing back and forth and back and forth. I can literally feel my heart racing. I become more aware of my breathing. I begin to rethink the entire night and consider calling the whole thing off.  I continue to pace back and forth and back and forth.

My anxiety is building. I got ready too early. I gave myself too much time to think, and to overthink. There is really nothing to stress over, but that doesn’t stop me from doing so. What if I make myself look foolish? What if I have bad breath? I brush my teeth for the third time.

My anxiety is building. 6:50. Time to leave. I get in the car, my heart still racing, my palms sweaty. I pull into the parking lot and take my keys out of the ignition. Then I consider putting them right back in and speeding back home and making up some lame excuse. No. I’ve come this far and I begin to walk towards the door.

And then I see him. He smiles. I smile. My anxiety is gone.