There is always this push and pull between my calm/present mind  and my uncontrollable/chaotic one.  Naturally, it seems to want to run away on its train of thought.  This creates doubts, anxieties, and even random bursts of nostalgia.  However, awareness is the first step to slow down this train and make it come to a smooth stop.  Now that I know my mind is wandering, I have the opportunity to take action.  The second step is to bring my focus to the present moment and space I am in. To a state of just being.  This clears my mind to a point where there are now little to no thoughts in my head.  The train has come to a stop. The third step is to make it go where I want it to to go.  Following the tracks that the professor has laid out, my mind will go to a territory it hasn’t been to before.

If I ever leave my brain on auto-pilot, which often it is, here is the end result.  I forget about why I’m here in the first place.  Why do I allow myself to be bored out of my mind like this.  I’m in New York FRIKKIN City yet I choose to place myself here out of all the possible locations in this town.  I mean, I guess I need my degree to get a nice job, but how would I even know what career I want if I haven’t tried it yet?

Is this all school is?
I don’t even enjoy this,
I should have stayed home.

Chaos always finds a way into my mind.  Maybe it’s just entropy, but it’s certainly distracting.  Every time I try to clear my mind by focusing on the lecture I end up thinking about focusing on the lecture, instead of actually paying attention.  To actually achieve focus, I’ll have to do it through other means, that is to be as present in the moment as possible.  Since my body is here, I have to find a way to get my mind to do the same thing.

Ceiling lights flicker,
A man and a powerpoint,
We watch and listen.

I close my eyes.  One long and slow breath in, and one long and slow breath out. “I am here, I am present” I tell myself.  As I unfold the table from beside the chair, I notice the slight squeak that the metal parts make as they slide across each other.  I feel the thump as the table makes it way to its final resting spot.  It’s a comforting sound, one that reassures me that it’s not going anywhere.

Pen against paper,
Black ink making its mark known,
Class is in session.

The plan I have to achieve the balance is the Pomodoro Technique Timer. For this plan for every few minutes I spend doing work, I know will be met with a few minutes of relaxation. By using this method I am able to work without procrastinating and get much more done. This achieves a balance in my life because I am able to achieve my goals with more focus and able to get them done in a swift manner. Since I have started practicing this method, my life has become easily balanced out between focusing on my future, and relaxing. This has made it so I have been able to study more, and achieve better grades.

Work rest work rest work

The constant battle with them

To help me later

The second way I try to achieve balance is by finding a way to get rid of stress at the end of the day. The best way I have found to do this is by going for a run every day of the week. When I run I am able to achieve a zen like state. Since I am able to plug in my music and ignore all distractions around me I can just go on my run and think. This is calming for me as I feel great afterward and have relieved most of my stress from the day. This has also been found to create a sense of unity for me, since I am able to just think about my day, future, and reflect on myself.

Keep running forward

Every single day for me

A balance achieved

The way I try to balance out my lifestyle is by doing something productive and healthy following every act of being lazy or unhealthy. For instance if I were to eat very unhealthy for a day, I try to follow that up by having a week in which I eat exclusively healthy for that time. By doing this I feel I can balance out every poor act, and make up for it. Another way I try to balance out my life is by setting my education and school life, away from my social life. The way I try to do this is I try to make friends and socialize outside of school.

A perseverance

Pushing away temptations

A way to help me

Photography isn’t something that just makes up my Instagram or my Facebook page, it’s something that gives a special meaning to my daily life when I look back at moments that made me smile, laugh, or even just think. Since Snapchat has come out, I’ve found myself taking pictures of every jaw dropping chocolate mousse cake, and every artsy scenery of a sea of people hustling through Times Square with the sun setting behind the NYC cityscape, blindingly bright.

Look at that sunset

The colors make me feel warm

I need to snap it

We can vicariously live through pictures, in which we can forget the heartaches that are happening in the present, by looking back at heartwarming times. We rely on our baby pictures to imagine what we were like in our infantile years, because our memories can’t suffice to capture all of the remarkable things we’ve accomplished. Moments like taking our first steps after numerous falls and speaking our first words when we first learn to make sounds are things that we know we accomplished, yet things we can never remember. When I’m away from home for weeks at a time for college, seeing my baby sister making a funny face with her twinkling eyes on my phone wallpaper makes me forget about the stress that comes with being a college student. I know that one day my sister will look back and feel incredibly happy at the endless snapchats I have taken of her using dog filters so young, and the videos I have made of her first attempts at the ABCs. As a big sister of the cutest three year old and as a passionate photographer, you can imagine what my camera roll is filled with.

Turn around and smile

This moment is so precious

You’ll thank me one day

My sister is just one example of what makes me reach Matsuo Basho’s idea of escape, “Karumi,” as I look back at my photography for an escape from my burdens. I feel satisfaction, “Wabi,” when I look down to my pocket, take out my phone and go through my camera roll that is filled with the smiling faces of my happiest moments of me with my family and friends. Smiling ear to ear in pictures of Friday nights in NYC, I feel, “Sabi,” appreciation, for things as simple as incredible people in my life. We need to be happy with simplicity, which means being content with the moments in our lives that aren’t extraordinary, and photos remind me that there will be better days than today, if today doesn’t seem like a picture-worthy day.

Here is a photo

Of my happiest moment

Brooklyn bridge with you

When we are down, it’s important to think about the things that have made us beam with happiness, which are usually the people in our lives that have been there with us through our happiest moments. People make places, and photography lets us relive our experiences with incredible people.

As I walk inside, the smell of sandalwood incense and kitchari cling to my clothes.  My Sunday welcoming to a 9 hour shift.  Down the first aisle, a blur of colorful packaged supplements and beauty products register in my peripheral vision.  I reach out, grab my time sheet, punch in.  I sigh.  I think of how I would rather be spending my time doing something enjoyable, but then I remind myself how fortunate I am to have a job that allows me to pay my way through college.  I head over to the registers.

Overcast morning

Birds soaring in the distance

Flap their wings with hope

I sit down and proceed to inspect my surroundings.  Noticing the depleting bag levels, I grab some brown bags and start placing them inside plastic ones.  I alternate between making them with different hands and keep count.  I’ve been doing this since I started working here because it helps me be present.  At the end of a “round”, I count them over to see if there’s ten.  I’m still off sometimes.

A quiet stillness

Fills the room, except for the

Sound of rustling bags

Cool winter air creeps into the store as the early birds come to shop for their groceries.  All familiar faces – exchanging pleasantries to break the stillness.  Some stand out more than others by way of appearance or how they conduct themselves.  There’s an older man with a grey beard and rounded glasses who comes in and talks about the most random things.  Like did you know that humans with blood type rh negative are descendants from extraterrestrials?  Then there’s this lady who shops here at least once a week and still asks where stuff is, as she mindlessly drips her green juice on the floor or knocks something over.

Lastly, there’s Marissa.  She’s the hippie that strides in with her flowy patterned dresses, asks people for their opinions, and interjects her beliefs.  She’ll pile items on the counter, pay for one yogurt, and then find someone to converse with.  An hour later, she’ll come back to the counter with five items in her shopping cart.

One by one, they start making their way to the counter.  Funny how once a few people get on line, everyone else is also apparently finished shopping.  I try to remain calm even as I see carts and baskets filled to the brim.  When ringing groceries, I apply the bag technique I use to help me be present.  I punch in the cost with one hand, and move the items rung up with the other while simultaneously keeping count in my head.  As I bag the items, I count them again to make sure I don’t over/under charge.

At the end of it all, I hit subtotal.  There are those rare moments when a special string of numbers will pop up like 777, 420, 666, back to backs.  But the one I like most of all and always makes me chuckle:

One seven three eight

Displays on the registers

Fetty Wap’s Trap Queen

As a child, money was always something that intrigued me. Although my parents usually gave me some change or a dollar on a good day, I was never able to consistently earn and save my money. I wasn’t able to buy the latest games and would instead have to play my beat GameBoy or Nintendo Gamecube. As summer rolled around, I would notice the people in my neighborhood walk sluggishly, with sweat dripping down their faces. Me and my brother had a plan.

Dreaming of money

Owning and spending it all

Lemonade hustle

Me and my brother decided to start a lemonade stand. Whenever it was hot, my mother always made lemonade for us, and it was the perfect thirst-quencher. As a result, we made jugs of lemonade and kept them in the refrigerator. Once we had our three jugs cool and ready to serve, we set up a table in the garage and left it open for people to come in and enjoy. We charged 50 cents a cup and it was one of the most gratifying experiences of my life.

Neighborhood lined up

Serve a cup of lemonade

Watch their eyes light up

By the time the sun would start to set, we would close the garage and gear up for the next day. After several weeks of making and serving lemonade, me and my brother had saved up way more money than we would’ve if we had just stocked up on our parents’ money. However, over time the money became more of an afterthought. We loved helping everyone and watching our neighbors come back because they loved the lemonade or even just to entertain or help us out. We loved hearing people tell us that we helped make their day. We loved the lemonade hustle.

Money comes and goes

But it’s not about the cash

The smile is worth more

Thursday December 13^th. Thank god its not Friday, because if it were something bad might happen. This is the day I stopped believing in superstition. It is also a day that I will never forget. I am in the sixth grade, full of glee and bliss with an innocent mind. I remember running around during recess that day when it began to snow.

Sweat drenched my cold face,

I wonder if school is cancelled,

I sure hope it is.

I get back to class eager for an announcement from the principle. Rumors start flourishing throughout my entire grade that schools out. Finally, Principal Krausz gets on the loudspeaker freeing all of his prisoners for the day. I immediately ask my best friend, Gil, if he wants to come over. I call up my Dad to see, but no answer. I call my mom. No answer either. Oh well, what’s the harm, Gil has been over countless times. As the two of us are about to leave, my aunt comes to pick me up and sends Gil home. I get into my aunt’s car.

Why’s Aunt Debbie here?

The snow melts on the windshield,

I thought that was cool.

I get to my Aunt’s house, drop my bags and run outside to build an igloo with my cousin. I recall thinking to myself that there is nothing bad about snow. We get out of school early, and we also have something to play in. What a combo! After my cousin and I amass a mountain of snow, we begin what I like to call, “the dig.” In its essence, it is just a small hole in a glorified mounting of frozen rain. We finish the igloo and go inside to reward ourselves with a cup of hot chocolate. I walk into the kitchen and see my younger sister crying over the sink. I hope she is ok, but right now I am more focused on my cup of hot cocoa. My aunt calls me into the den where I see my mom.

Your father is dead.

I am so sorry Daniel,

He loved you very much.

The first thing that pooped into my mind was the last words I spoke to my father. I said, “Dad I think I lost my phone.” Why couldn’t I tell him that I loved him? This ate me up inside for years. They say that time heals everything, but it doesn’t. I miss my father everyday. Time does do one thing though. It taught me never to take anything for granted, especially family. At eleven years old I had to become the man of the house. A tough role for a 5-foot 4-inch prepubescent tween. I believe to this day, that the reason I try so hard in school, is because my father died. I was a struggling C student, but after his death I became an honor role student. Some people crack under all that pressure. I would not allow myself.

I am fatherless,

But I am stronger than ever,

Don’t ever give up.

Growing up in a divorced home, I’ve always felt alone growing up. Instead of talking to anyone about my problems, I always sucked it up and acted like everything was okay in order for my family to move on. I never thought about how bad this was health wise, but I realized that all those kept emotions would just build up inside and at the worst moments I would just explode. That’s one thing that I regretted the most and till this day am still working on it. My mom being a single parent, I thought that being this way would just benefit my mom in minimizing her troubles and guilt for getting a divorce with my dad. For my little sister on the other hand, I acted like this because I played the father figure in her life. I would take care of her, take her to school, cook for her,  and made sure that she never needed anything when my mom was working her two jobs. I didn’t want her to see me upset about was going on in our life at the time, so I put a fake smile so she can grow up happy. As I grow up and time goes by

I try to be more open

to express my feelings

but I’m still sheltered

Being in a silent setting and alone is very common and has become comforting in my life. I know others can be reading this and think that I’m weird but I enjoy being in my own personal space. Being this way has helped me because I’m in my own world and that’s one way that I implement one of Zen’s principles in my life. Doing this helps me reach my enlightenment persay because it’s my way of meditation. How? I think about my problems and as weird as it sounds, I talk myself in my own head and figure out solutions to those problems. This is my form of “breathing”, because instead of freaking out and looking for help I deal with issues on my own. I don’t depend on others this way and being by myself helps me clear my thoughts in a peaceful way.

I sit alone

thinking for a better tomorrow

peace at last

My friends, coworkers, family members but most of all my girlfriend always want me to express myself to them. Even though I struggle to do so most of the time. I still appreciate the thought of them taking the time to actually care for me and ask ” Is everything alright?” Or ” Are you okay? “. This falls under one of Zen’s principles which is to appreciate the little things. All though this may seem like something little, for me just that question means a lot. Which is why I’m really appreciative for having these kind of people in my life . I know that I can go to them for anything.

My friends are there for me

asking me questions

couldn’t ask for more

As of now I’ve learned to cope with my past and be excited for my future. I’ve come to terms to that everything happens for a reason and that’s what keeps me calm and in a positive mindset. This is what helps me reach another one of Zed’s principle of natural state. My natural state is being quiet, humble, but most importantly grateful for the little things.

Life can be hard

struggles and kept emotions

there’s always light at the end

Ever since I was a young kid, I was also acting a few years older than my actual age. Why? I’m not exactly sure but I do think its in part due to the age gap between my siblings and I. The closest sibling in age to me is my brother, who is 8 years older than I am, then my other brother who is 12 years older and then my sister who is 14 years older. They’re all married with children now and as I was growing up I was always around them and their friends which may be the reasoning to my maturity.

Family baby

This was not my decision

What more can I do

During my senior year of high school, my schedule was extremely flexible so, naturally, I started to show up to the family office to try and get myself involved in the family business. I never really loved school but was able to accept the fact that there wasn’t really a choice and maintaining good grades weren’t an option, rather they were a must. As the year progressed, I slowly went from answering phone calls and doing basic non proprietary office tasks to assuming more major roles in the business. Once I graduated and that summer rolled around I was working full time, all summer long.

College is starting

Rather continue working

Why do I need school?

As I was preparing to start college I was planning on working 3 days of the week and doing 2 full days of school, that way I would be able to max out my days and not waste any of my time. A characteristic that my entire family has is that we like to always keep things moving and keep occupied at all times. Unfortunately, as a freshman you are a placed in a block schedule so my plans did not work out. The first semester I was barely able to go to work, Fridays and sometimes for about an hour or two after school.  After getting a taste of the work life over the summer and then going back to school I was starting to miss it. No worrying about any assignments due that night or anything of that nature. My mom didn’t love that I was getting so involved at work because she knew it was going to affect my grades. Now, a year later, I am beginning to realize that my mom was right, and always will be. I’m starting to feel the pressure that I grew up too quickly and am not enjoying these years to their fullest potential, and so I am extremely conflicted.

Not sure what to do

Do I work or go to school?

Balance is needed

I have decided that its time to step back from work to balance out my life and school work. Although the semester is only starting, I am already feeling a difference and feel more relaxed. Balance is such an important factor and I’m glad I realized it now rather than later on in life.

I feel sorry when someone says they are not a morning person.  That means for every sunrise, every chirp by a bird, they are missing out.  Maybe they heard or saw it before, but they did not get to appreciate it for lack of positive feelings.  Do they not see how lucky we are to be standing here?  Luck is the word.  Unless you believe in a God, you have no explanation of why we are here.

Pink sky full of grace

Let me ride your orange rays

Take me from this place

There’s a certain purity surrounding the air in the morning.  Before we’ve had any time to sin for the day or to make a mistake.  It’s a brand new air, a brand new sun, a chance at reinvention.  Reinvention of oneself, reinvention of one’s actions.  There is new opportunity to replace the opportunities of yesterday.  In this limitless opportunity comes a feeling of zen.  Not zen in the traditional sense, where peace comes from a lack want.  Zen in the potential of being able to do anything.

Limitless orange

Limitless blue and purple

From you I take all

I almost feel stupid for anything I felt yesterday.  Like it was a thousand and more years ago, and the actions were as small as our place in the universe.  This smallness is not a discomfort though. It is welcoming and warm.  On this pier I woke up almost excessively early to walk to, to catch the rising of this one star in this one solar system in this one galaxy, I am complete.  I can do anything but it would be okay if I did nothing.  The universe expects nothing from me, and I expect nothing in return.

Midday orange star

Leave the horizon at noon

Float ominously

By noon, the feeling of zen and new beginnings from the sun are gone.  There was plenty of time to sin and, once again, I feel unsteady.  From this, I wait for another new day to, once again, make me feel comfortably small.

The sunset works the same as the sunrise, and I remember that being a night person is not as bad as it seems.  The setting of the sun over the horizon on the pier is filled with different colors, but it is a new experience.  The sun goes over the horizon and it is almost as if the Earth has forgiven me for the sins of the day.  In this moment I once again feel zen.  The end of the day signifies the ability for a new beginning.  And, in a cycle, the sun will once again rise in the east.  Not for me, but for this one lonely planet in this one lonely solar system.  And because it is not for me, because I am so small in comparison, I am once again, at peace.

In a school like Baruch College, where we all thrive to the best we can be, we are oftentimes led to focus our attention on the future. Students are constantly thriving to do as much as humanly possible (and oftentimes spread themselves very thin) so as to become well-rounded individuals. We are all trying to get the best job that we can, and as a result find the need to make ourselves seem rather complex, and well informed. We want to be thought of as perfect, despite knowing that doing so is impossible.

My head in a book

everyone writing a lot

we want perfection!

Sadly however, in the process of being good students, we lose satisfaction with simplicity, and not only fail to appreciate, but also learn to despise the imperfect.

I am convinced, however, that I can do better. I strive to be able to appreciate my capabilities, all while acknowledging my inadequacies. I want to be able to appreciate the beauty of imperfections, and understand that they simply serve to highlight that even though man is not perfect, achieving greatness is possible. If we are to only focus on doing everything perfectly, I am convinced that we will not be able to get anything done at all. We must focus on the small, simple aspects of life, and as the Zen principles of unity and balance teach us, find satisfaction with the simple. In essence, one of the great perks of living in New York City is having access to the subway. People are able to get from place in an efficient manner, all while avoiding traffic. Like most things, the subway comes with many of its own downfalls. The system is often delayed, and is oftentimes bound to be affected by petty issues.

Dirty gum coated floors

loud horns and squeaking doors

my big journey home

Using the subway as an example, I hope to be able to appreciate the small nuances in my daily life and use them to find more appreciation when things do indeed work smoothly. I want to be able to think not only of the inconvenience the metro system at times inflicts on me, but to also realize and appreciate the system for its imperfections.

While the idea of really enjoying my imperfect mass transit commute may sound farfetched (and borderline crazy), I hope to be able to incorporate the principle of Wabi, which teaches us to find satisfaction with simplicity and austerity into my life. We must not always focus our attention to the complicated small details, and work to steer our attention towards the simple greatness that comes with many of our everyday tasks. We will all be much better off if we focus on our remarkable ability to travel in relative comfort and safety while using the metro system, and not spend too much time focused on the complex delays and inaccuracies that the system possess.

A greater focus on the simple, mixed with an appreciation for our inevitable imperfections will leave us all much better off.

The sun shines bright light

walking with purpose, delight

I love this city