I always remembered I’m that type of person who rarely speaks when meeting new people. Apart from being shy it has to do with the fact I’ve gotten used to not speaking and letting the orders take the show. This also caused me to be scared of voicing my opinion and what I want for this, as a matter of fact I was afraid of how they would look at me. It was like a wall in front of me that I wanted to cross but I couldn’t because I lost the courage to. If I’m going to be honest I don’t know when this began to happen but if I were to give a certain recap it was when I first started elementary where I first came to New york.
The first year in Kindergarten I was still the girl who was confident and didn’t care what people think, but I was hit with a brick in first grade. During kindergarten I had acquaintances so it wasn’t too bad because I had people to hangout with. However during first grade that felt really lonely for me I had no one to talk to. I think I slowly began to think if I followed them and didn’t object, I would be able to have people to play with me. That is when I began to lose my voice and I didn’t even realize how horrible it would be for me to lose that voice. I never even thought to realize I say no or being alone is happier than being forced to do something I didn’t want to do well guess what that was what third grade was like for me. I remember playing with a group of friends when they wanted to act out what they saw on the cartoon I just went along with what the character they assigned me to. I may not like the character but if I want to fit in that is what I have to do.
I didn’t start to see the affects until middle to highschool. Where I had to make my decision I start to realize how important a voice is. However there is one step back at this I can’t voice out my concerns because I lost that courage many years. I wouldn’t even be able to connect my young self with my certain self she used to be full of ideas and isn’t afraid of anything. I felt I lost that part of myself looking back. There will times my mom would bring it up to me that you’re younger self was never afraid to speak her opinion she wants me to turn back to my younger self but it isn’t as easy as it sounds. Finding that self is a long process especially since stepping outside my comfort zone is something I haven’t done in years so it is difficult for someone who has been in her bubble for too long.
Now that I sit and remember a few incidents that happened a lot of them were caused by me not voicing my opinion. One of them was when my friend created my character. This was back when I really liked making characters back in middle school. If I didn’t give in and let her do what she wanted, maybe things wouldn’t end so badly. I alway seem to let things slide and didn’t bother to argue. I thought it would be easy for both of us if I just let it slide. I was wrong. I should have said I won’t budge. I only bothered to argue once and just didn’t talk about it. I didn’t want it to be tiring about that conversation although I was upset I didn’t argue about it any further. I learned later on if you felt you didn’t like how this is going you should speak and not just agree if only I learn that when all this happens maybe that way the relationship wouldn’t be so toxic.
My mom has told me many times “you have to have your own thoughts, don’t be dragged around instead”. That means I need to learn how to fight back or object to the things I didn’t like. I was struggling I’ll admit that and I still struggle with it till this day. Having a voice is tough for me besides the fact I feel that people may not agree with me which makes me feel it is better to keep my mouth but it is also because what if someone doesn’t back me up. There were times I would rewind the incident and think about it gave me a lesson that I didn’t want the second incident to happen. I learn to accept the fact it will be a struggle being unafraid to speak whatever I want but I’m learning to voice my opinion more whenever I feel comfortable.
Hi Amy,
Thank you for sharing your story with me.
My main feedback for revision lies in these aspects:
– The lack of grammar can make sentences too long, without any pauses in between
– The word choice in some sentences makes it sound a bit robotic and harder to read in certain areas
– Add a more powerful, and impactful introduction to reel the readers in
– Organize your paragraphs to have a smoother reading experience
– Add more clarity to the anecdotes you have to make them more memorable and vivid in the readers mind
– Add transitions between paragraphs for a better reading experience
What I enjoyed most:
– The vulnerability towards us in this story, helps us see a side to you that many people hide away, it is commendable and makes the story more relatable
– Your moms dialogue. I feel like our parents are an influencial part in us navigating our lives, shows how important they are to you/the significance they hold in this issue you struggle with
Some questions I still have:
– Has anyone helped you on this journey? Anyone you look up to related to being expressive?
– What are some goals you have for the future and this issue you struggle with?
Some last comments:
– Although some edits need to be made, I really enjoyed and related to this story. I feel as though finding ones voice is an issue many people struggle with, and I’m glad you’re learning to better express yourself
Please feel free to contact me with any questions or inqueries about my critiques.
Sincerely,
Jacob Cruz
Hi Amy,
Thank you for sharing your story with me.
My main feedback for revision lies in these aspects:
-there could be more coherent transitions between paragraphs to help the flow of the essay.
-the essay could benefit from a stronger introduction that clearly states the main theme or thesis (lead) of the essay.
– There are some minor errors such as missing commas, run-on sentences, and awkward phrasing that could be revised for clarity.
– There are some instances of unclear or repetitive phrasing, such as “I would rewind the incident and think about it gave me a lesson” which could be rephrased for clarity.
– there are also some instances where you jump between past and present tense, which could be confusing for the reader.
What I enjoyed the most:
– I love how the essay adequately conveys the importance of speaking up for oneself and the consequences of remaining silent.
– Structurally, the essay follows a chronological timeline of your experiences from childhood to adulthood, which helps to understand the progression of your struggles with speaking up.
-Grammatically, the essay is generally well-written with proper punctuation and sentence structure.
-In terms of clarity, you effectively share personal anecdotes and reflections on their experiences.
Sincerely,
Chisom Nwosu
Hey Amy, thank you for sharing your story.
Something I liked about your piece of writing is that you dated back to kindergarten days all the way until high school which I thought was interesting as you showed the readers about your transformation from a young age to when you got older. Also, I liked that you incorporated quotes from what happened to make the story more colorful.
Some things I would improve are that in the sentence ” happier than being forced to do something I didn’t want to do well guess what that was what third grade was like for me. ” you can add a period between “want to do ” and “well guess what”. Also, for this sentence, “es I would rewind the incident and think about it gave me a lesson that I didn’t want the second incident to happen. ” you can clarify it a bit more, it sounds confusing.
Overall, good job on your work, I really enjoyed it.
Hi Amy,
Thank you for sharing your story.
-Your story is interesting and I like how it is in order like a time line.
-Your essay seems a like a reflection for yourself.
-You can add more on how you grew from your teachable moment.
I enjoyed reading your story. Hope you get even better and more confident.
Best,
Tiffany
-To add on, when you share personal experience, consider providing more specific examples to illustrate your points. For example, when mentioning incidents caused by not voicing your opinion, you could get deeper into one or two examples to give readers a clearer understanding of the situations you faced.
-Instead of summarizing feelings or situations, you can consider incorporating more descriptive details to help readers empathize and get a better image of your experience.
-To elaborate on what I said about the teachable moment, towards the end you mention that you are learning to voice your opinion more whenever you feel comfortable. You can consider elaborating on your current perspective and any strategies you are using to overcome your challenges.
-I like how you used anecdotes of different times of your life to show your personal growth.
Hi Amy,
Thank you for sharing your story with me!
The main feedback for the revisions:
-I thought it was great that you used a particular incident from your childhood to illustrate how you identified your personality early on and how it changed as you grew older.
– To help your anecdotes stick in the reader’s mind and become more vivid, give them more context
– You can use more concise sentence to reduce the redundancy throughout the essay since some sentences explain you’re thoughts very deeply
– I also liked that you brought in your mother’s reaction and influence to show the stages of change in you’re social skills and awareness
– I would use more transitional phrases and put more dialogue in the voice in you’re head and how you combat those thoughts!
Thank you so much for sharing with me! And I’m excited to see where your story goes
Sincerely,
Rifah