This was a very deep and personal piece of writing that really expanded on your teachable moment narrative. It provided a deeper understanding of your timeline of your friendship with Nelly and the specific moments where you felt a connection being lost, which I can personally relate to. I also like your use of colloquial language, making it feel very personal and appropriate for the intended audience.
I don’t see a clear thesis/research question in your paper, so I think there needs to be more emphasis on this. I like the inclusion of Andrew O’Hagan and I think there’s opportunity to expand on him. I also don’t see many aspects where you included research so an annotated bibliography would be needed.
If you ever feel brave enough, I would suggest actually sending this letter to Nelly as it does a great job of conveying your feelings.
Thank you for sharing!
Hey Tina,
Thank you for sharing such a personal piece. I notice your narration seems somewhat rigid in the chronology, but this could be a stylistic choice. It simply seems this way because of the now, then, then, finally kind of structure. However, your story was conveyed clearly.
My only concern is where the research is. It’s not clear what or where the research you utilized is. I assume the thesis is that friendship is not a one way avenue, and that it’s okay to set clear boundaries. I think this can be discerned from your writing relatively clearly. I would definitely look into making the research stand out a bit more though, but I do recognize that it’s not as necessary because your piece is a letter.
Thanks for sharing. While reading, I felt like I got experience your friendship with “Nelly.” It’s definitely commendable to be able to talk about the issues within a friendship. I think you chose the right audience, directly speaking to “Nelly.” One thing I think you might want to change is the structure of it. You start new sections, saying “fast forward” or something along those lines. It makes it feel more like a rigid timeline, but I think it might be more of an interesting read if you switch up how you enter the description of different periods in your life. I also think expanding on your friendship with Andrew would be interesting because it gives readers a direct way to compare the two. I’m not really sure what your thesis is, so I’m struggling to fully see what you’re trying to get out of the letter is. You don’t really go beyond the idea of you realizing that the friendship was toxic. Think about what you really want “Nelly” to get out of reading this and say it in the letter. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Tina,
This was a very deep and personal piece of writing that really expanded on your teachable moment narrative. It provided a deeper understanding of your timeline of your friendship with Nelly and the specific moments where you felt a connection being lost, which I can personally relate to. I also like your use of colloquial language, making it feel very personal and appropriate for the intended audience.
I don’t see a clear thesis/research question in your paper, so I think there needs to be more emphasis on this. I like the inclusion of Andrew O’Hagan and I think there’s opportunity to expand on him. I also don’t see many aspects where you included research so an annotated bibliography would be needed.
If you ever feel brave enough, I would suggest actually sending this letter to Nelly as it does a great job of conveying your feelings.
Thank you for sharing!
Hey Tina,
Thank you for sharing such a personal piece. I notice your narration seems somewhat rigid in the chronology, but this could be a stylistic choice. It simply seems this way because of the now, then, then, finally kind of structure. However, your story was conveyed clearly.
My only concern is where the research is. It’s not clear what or where the research you utilized is. I assume the thesis is that friendship is not a one way avenue, and that it’s okay to set clear boundaries. I think this can be discerned from your writing relatively clearly. I would definitely look into making the research stand out a bit more though, but I do recognize that it’s not as necessary because your piece is a letter.
Nice work.
Jacey Ngo
[email protected]
Hi Tina,
Thanks for sharing. While reading, I felt like I got experience your friendship with “Nelly.” It’s definitely commendable to be able to talk about the issues within a friendship. I think you chose the right audience, directly speaking to “Nelly.” One thing I think you might want to change is the structure of it. You start new sections, saying “fast forward” or something along those lines. It makes it feel more like a rigid timeline, but I think it might be more of an interesting read if you switch up how you enter the description of different periods in your life. I also think expanding on your friendship with Andrew would be interesting because it gives readers a direct way to compare the two. I’m not really sure what your thesis is, so I’m struggling to fully see what you’re trying to get out of the letter is. You don’t really go beyond the idea of you realizing that the friendship was toxic. Think about what you really want “Nelly” to get out of reading this and say it in the letter. Thanks for sharing!
Naomi