Literacy Sponsor: Wedad Mourtada

Dealing with grief isn’t easy when you don’t know what you’re feeling. We often look for closure in the most random things in life. How was I supposed to cope without knowing anything about what I was feeling? I would always question if I was even feeling anything at all. The only way I could describe this type of pain was strange: there’s something that’s blocking out all the words that I want to say. That was fine with me because who would I even say these words to? I didn’t want to know what I felt because no one understood how I felt. I didn’t think anyone could teach me how to cope because it’s my feelings. What can anyone possibly tell me about dealing with a loss of a loved one?

My father barely showed any emotions, so when I heard him advise me, I was shocked but at the same time grateful for all that he taught me in a matter of ten minutes. It was winter of 2017, and he had asked me why I looked so upset, “It’s dark and cold outside,” I said. He knew that wasn’t the problem because I always loved winter. “Do you think that it makes her happy when you’re upset all the time?” I didn’t know what to say because I wasn’t aware that he knew why I was so sad. “She’s an angel now; you don’t see anyone upset when they think of angels.” I replied saying “I miss her, but at least she was part of my life at one point.” I knew I was only saying that because I thought it was the right thing to say. “If it stays in your head, it’ll hurt your heart, so let it out.” He showed me my sister’s stuff, her toys, clothes, and her drawings, and told me to describe to him how I felt when I saw her things. I found that thing that was blocking out all the words I wanted to say. I didn’t have anything to say because I didn’t allow myself to grieve. I needed something to remind me what exactly was upsetting me, and I’ll forever be grateful for how my dad taught me to deal with grief. He taught me that I need to allow myself to be upset. I no longer ignore all the things that remind me of my sister; I acknowledge those things, which helped describe how I feel. No one could tell me how to feel, but my dad taught me how to deal with grief.