The transition from high school to college has been a struggle. It was such a mistake to stay in the city for college. All the friends I was used to seeing everyday went and left. It didn’t really hit me until college actually started, and the sense of loneliness set in. I was actually so unhappy with my choice to stay in the city. Being in Baruch feels too much like high school again, but without the familiar faces. Right after the first day of class, I decided that I wanted to see if I could transfer to Binghamton University for the spring term. So I literally started and made my application on August 29th. It was that bad for me.  I feel like I’m missing out on so much by going to a commuter school.

I’ve already visited my friends a couple of times at Bing, and it just seems so much better compared to Baruch. The food is cheap, the campus is nice, and the freedom is great. It also seems like it’s much easier to make friends and socialize when you dorm. I’ve already made some good friends here at Baruch, but I still feel I’d be better off going to school elsewhere.

Now I just have to do well in school and wait for their response to my application after November 1st. I really hope I get accepted.

What is a monologue?

Why am I spending a Wednesday night at 11:15pm trying to come up with a witty and clever monologue to share … in college?

Isn’t college when I start working towards a career or some shit like that? So why am I stressing out over something as petty as this? Why am I even enrolled in a class like this? Why am I even enrolled in classes that don’t even pertain to what I want to do with my life at all? Such is life in the American education system. History? The only thing that I have gotten out of that class is a lower GPA because of that midterm … thanks professor, I’ll be sure to apply my knowledge of Henry the VIII banging every woman he came into contact with when I’m filling out spreadsheets. And even then, why am I pursuing a field that I have no interest in? A 9 to 5 job, 5 days a week, doing the same thing every year is not what I imagine myself doing for the rest of my life.

By all means, some people love that routine, and if you are one of those, then more power to you. I’m jealous.

As of now, I have no idea what route to pursue. But you know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I’m still young and shouldn’t feel this pressured to have an answer yet. So for now, I’m just going to keep working on music because at the end of the day, that is what keeps making me truly happy. If I break into the scene, then I can say I worked hard and accomplished my dreams.

And if I don’t, then I know that my life will find a way for me to end up doing something I genuinely enjoy, whether it is through a job or being surrounded by some cool people. I’ve gotten this far not knowing what to do with my life, and I can gladly say that I’m genuinely happy at this time … So that’s pretty cool.

We all went our separate ways

High school ended and my friends and I chose our own paths to walk down

Many left and went to do amazing things at amazing schools

I stayed home

Once most of them left, I felt alone and lost

It seemed as if I made a mistake

Staying home, without little change from my life in high school

I began to believe that my college decision was not going to make me happy

So many criticisms

“There’s no dorms, the commute, there is no campus life”

Everyone around me put thoughts in my head that made me truly nervous about college

After a month plus of college everything has changed for me

I have met some amazing people

People from all walks of life ready to share their story

Everyone I have met is so interesting and friendly

I am truly thankful for that because it has made the transition much easier

All of those negative comments and thoughts my peers ad about my school were wrong

I am content here and I realize this is the place for means my carrer path

Ask me who I am. Go ahead.

I said, ask me who I am!

I don’t know. I’m not the same kid I was back in highschool

I wanted to fit in with the crowd back then, but realized how stupid it was

Pretending to be something I wasn’t was waste of time.

So I met some people called “friends”. My friends accepted me, and they shaped my thoughts and character.

And after that I was invested in protecting my own sense of self and identity.

My friends believed in me, while I depended on them for confidence and trust in myself

Now I’m nothing. I’m back to square one. No friends. No identity. No trust in myself.

I don’t know who I am.

Even these new friends are different from my old ones. I don’t want to critical of them, but do it unintentionally.

My past interests need to be set aside…I need to focus on my goals now.

I have to disregard fun, and acquire currency. Get a job and pay bills. I need to let go of that naive desire of wanting a college experience.

I don’t know who I am.

I feel something else now…My sense of fun being sucked out of me as I’m being obligated to having accountability and responsibility.

I feel like I’m losing the connection I have with my friends. They’re still partying, while I’m not.

They’re not growing up, but I am. I’m growing up faster than them.

I guess that makes me an adult now.

I had always thought about this day ever since I started elementary school, but it always felt like it was so far away. Looking back on my years of school, Graduation had come so fast. I couldn’t believe that I was graduating. I had worked so hard to get good grades and build relationships with my friends, and it was all ending right then and there. My life as I knew it was about to change in 2 months. That might seem a little dramatic, but not going about my everyday routine of waking up, going to school and going to dance was a scary thought for me. I had been doing that ever since kindergarten, so I knew not having these little things was going to a big change. Graduating high school and starting college was so bittersweet to me.

The hardest thing for me to think about was leaving my family and friends. Despite being an hour and a half train ride away from home, I knew that not seeing my family everyday would be tough. They have shaped me into the person I am today and are constantly helping me overcome situations I face, and now I had to face those challenges on my own. Although there were times that they all got on my nerves, I knew I would miss them so much. I also knew that I would be able to see my family practically whenever I wanted, but that wasn’t the case with my friends. I feel that I am so lucky to say that I built so many amazing friendships in high school that I know will last for a long time. Some are close, only short train rides away, but some are attending schools hundreds of miles away. Our senior year we experienced the tragic loss of a friend, and although that was a horrible thing to experience, it really brought us all together and made us realize how much we meant to each other. I wouldn’t have wanted to go through high school without these people by my side. We all love our new schools and new lives, but there are moments when we all say, “I wish we could do this together.”

While letting go of my old life was intimidating, I also knew great things were about to happen. I have fallen in love with the city more than I thought was even possible. I can already tell that college is going to be one of the best experiences of my life, and though at times it is hard, it will definitely be well worth it. I cannot wait to build new friendships and experience different things in the city. Although leaving my life in high school behind was hard to do, I am so excited to see what great things become of my college experience.

I’ve never been able to dress right for the weather. I could look outside my window, check the Weather Channel app, or even ask my mom and I’d still end up unprepared/overprepared. I can still remember when I was an underclassman and I would have to sit on the bus with shorts or a dress on, and my thighs would scorch on the leather seats. Or, I’d ask my mom what it’s like outside, and she’d say, “bring a jacket”. Eleven times out of ten her brittle bones would exaggerate the temperature and I’d get stuck carrying my jacket around all day.

Now that I’m in college, I’m doing significantly worse. I’ll check the weather app, choose an outfit, walk outside and immediately regret it. It’s fall, so today seems like a nice day for a flannel and jeans. Wait, what? Fall in New York City can mean 73 degrees? And that it’s so hot that my glasses fog up from touching my skin? Okay, lesson learned.

Today I’ll wear a dress without tights, it’s been warm. Wait, what do you mean the weather app doesn’t account for wind? I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I flashed on the corner of 24^th and 3^rd   (seriously). Alright, I’ll try again. I’m afraid of sweating so today I’ll go for a short sleeve romper. Oh, it’s really only 60 degrees today? I promise I’m not a blue lipped corpse, I just don’t know how to dress myself yet. I guarantee in the dead of winter I will be buttoned up from head to toe, step outside, and be greeted to the warmest day of the year. I can never win with the weather. I’m either sweating or frozen, or perpetually embarrassing myself. I think my only solution is to just stay inside.

  <— me when I think it’ll be cold but it’s actually 80 degrees outside

I am stressed out. So so stressed out. I literally can not even with all this stress.

But seriously college is a lot of work. Essays here, essays there. One speech for you and one speech for you. Transitioning from high school to college has been a difficult thing to do. I know life isn’t meant to be easy but just a little rest time would be nice. The only good thing would be the friends I’ve made. When I’m feeling stressed I know they can make me laugh and make me forget for just a bit.

The gif above is my literal reaction to every day in school. Sometimes I just can’t deal with everything that’s thrown my way, but hey it is what it is. I’m looking forward to delving further into the college life. Maybe join a club, maybe being the key word. Going back to the gif up there I feel that I say this because I’m trying not to let stress get the best of me. At the end of the day what’s done is done and you can’t live life stressing over everything.

College is about learning to do things on your own and learning how to balance school with life. I’ve seen this plenty over the past few weeks. Professors aren’t here to be your friend or to hold your hand. You have to do things for yourself and learn how to deal with the workload, which is what I’m trying to do now. Hopefully soon, my reaction to a load of work won’t be panic, but more of an “I-Can-Do-This” attitude. I’ll let you know.

Many people would say that the transition from high school to college is a life changing experience. I would agree with this statement because college is so different than high school and all the education that came before. In college, you actually are treated as an adult whereas in high school the administration gives you few freedoms to trick you into feeling like an adult. Also, the work load is tremendously different because in college there is so much work due in a such a small time frame. And the interesting part about this is that no one is there to make you do work or make you follow rules besides yourself. In high school, if I missed a class I’d almost immediately get cuaght and maybe get a detention whereas in college you can get dropped out of the class. The consequences in college  are much harsher and as a result it’s necessary to do everything the right way.

College tuaght me the importance of time managment becuase I can already see without it, college is nearly impossible. When I get a numerous amount of assignments in one day, my anxiety level reaches a maximum. At certain points, I literally feel like I am having a heart attack becuase all of the anxiety that comes with college. Last week I told my family I either had a major blockage in my arteries or had ebola becuase I felt so overwhemed that it actually made me feel sick. It’s crazy to think that stress can actually takes a toll on your body. I’ve always heard about it but never truely experienced it.

The thing that gets me through everyday is a positive outlook becuase It puts me in the most productive state of mind. I know that I can only do my best, and I’m not gonna try to do anything more. If I fail a test that i studied hard for, I don’t get discouraged I just assume the course was designed for rocket scientists. I feel like its really imporant to be positive at all times becuase it will push you to do your best.

^(picture that describes the way you see yourself)

Amanda (Xiaowen) Li

I don’t remember how we first met. But we all knew each other for four years, yet we never spoke until the last year.

I don’t remember when we first met. But I remember when we shared our first laugh, and nothing was the same after that.

Friday, November 29^th was the day we went Black Friday shopping together. That was the first time the four of us hung out and quickly became inseparable.

We became an acronym: LALS, and although that year I had gone through a rough patch and lost hope in genuine friendship, LALS made me happy. I became less and less wary of the barriers I had constructed earlier that year, and I could feel them falling away as time progressed. Every piece of happiness I absorbed from time spent with LALS pecked at these walls until finally, there was nothing left.

We had so many insiders that other people could no longer understand what we were referring to half the time. We constantly finished each other’s sentences and said the same things simultaneously. Christmas was hilarious; L got me a pink humidifier because I was sick at the time, and we carried it onto the train together like it was no big deal. It was great until she dropped it on our way out. One time, S walked me home at three in the morning, because we all fell asleep watching a movie at A’s house. He had absolutely no idea how to walk back, so I had to guide him through the phone while we both panicked for his safety and made up worst case scenarios, all in between fits of laughter.

Slowly, I believed that I found my second family.

When we received our college acceptances, it didn’t change a thing. We would be back, we said, as we all laid there in the grass facing the stars. Because bonds like ours don’t break. We made the most of that summer and sent each other off to our respective colleges with hugs and kisses.

But as Welcome Week started, the group chat diminished. Calls became less frequent, because it was hard to find a time when everyone was free. We talked about the events that were going on at our respective schools and shared stories about new people that we met, but of course it wasn’t the same.

It’s me and L left in the city now, and we made a promise to see each other at least once every week, which has been working out so far. And the thing is, it seems as though we never left each other’s side whenever we meet again.

I can only hope this holds true for A and S as well. The group chat is still active, but I miss LALS. Sharing experiences face-to-face and reading one another’s facial expressions still cannot be replaced by simple text on an illuminated screen. People say that the friendships that endure the test of time are the ones that are real, so I’ll just have to see. But no matter what, I know I’ll remain grateful to have found my place in LALS at one point in my life.