They ask me what life is but all I can answer is, I don’t know. They ask me who I am, I don’t think I know that either. My beliefs, my values, the things that shape me into who I am, will that ever be something I can answer. I’m just human. I’m just…me. So me, being me, do I know what is significant to me? What are the things that I care about? What are the things that make life worthwhile? I guess if I had to answer that question, my answer would be the people around me. Its easy to take advantage, and not notice the people that we think will always be there. But what happens when their gone? Will everything still be as fun? I don’t think it would be. There are so many things we never say just thinking they are implied, but shouldn’t we say that we want to be there, that we hope they are well, and that we care, shouldn’t I tell you that you mean the world to me, that without you I don’t know where I would be. But in case I never said it, or in case the words got lost, I just wanted to say that although you drive me completely insane you are the definition of my sanity. You are like a TV show that I watch an episode of when I should be studying for an exam. I hate you but I love you. My efforts are so fruitless, I can say the most hurtful things, I can push you away, but somehow I find that you never leave me, you always stay. This who you are and I wouldn’t change one thing. Because you are you, I can be me. Just me.

Roommates, you need them sometimes

They’re really annoying because they play music till 2 in the morning

They make the rooms dirty and nobody cleans it I hope they’re not like this when they’re thirty

I kill time with them because sometimes they can be chill

Their jokes are really dirty I hope they don’t say them in front of their folks

When I try to study they are really irritating it can get very aggravating I don’t want to fail my test

The kitchen is so messy they never clean the dishes and pasta scarce is everywhere

I can’t wait till I move out

Boredom

I get so bored sometimes.

And not just during my commute on the train.

Mostly, I get bored in my classes. I know I shouldn’t, but it happens against my will. One moment I’m taking notes on the Platonic ideal and the next… I’m somewhere else.  Anywhere other than school. Most of time, I’m picturing myself at home, watching T.V and eating all the junk food I want.

Stuck in this daydream, I manage to come down every ten seconds, give or take, so that no one suspects a thing. I wonder if it’s natural to get so bored. I feel like there’s nothing that really interests me. Maybe if my teacher dressed up in a clown costume to teach or if the lectures weren’t so long, then I’d be able to pay attention. Or maybe if zombies suddenly attack the school and we have to fight for our lives, I wouldn’t be so bored. It’d be like The Walking Dead. If only… But that’s wishful thinking.

I really can’t help it. My classes are just so boring…

I find routine in general extremely mind-numbing and just plain tedious. I get tired just thinking about how planned out my days are.

I get up at 5:30, then I leave my house at 6:30, catch the train at 6:45, and so on and so on.

It’s absolutely dull.

I’m the type of person who needs something new once in a while or else I go out of my mind. That’s probably why I never finish a T.V show unless it’s really good. And it’s probably why I get excited about something and then lose interest really quickly. Wow… it’s surprising I get anything done.

Definitely not natural… right?

Eighteen

I’m filled with nerves, excitement, and confusion
Engulfed by bundles of information
That while I thought I had instructions
Life instructions are created with no assumptions
Finding myself in a room of diverse ideologies
Talking to a face of another town, city, state, or nation
Understanding where they come from yet also hearing where they’re headed
Keeping an open mind, finding the facts
Formulating my opinions and understanding their responses

Finding myself in a room of diverse ideologies
Talking to a face of another town, city, state, or nation
Understanding where they come from yet also hearing where they’re headed
Keeping an open mind, finding the facts
Formulating my opinions and understanding their responses
Understanding the pressure yet excited of the abundance of possibilities

Flipping through pages of words that make me question
Touching, sliding, moving, hours on end
The many screens of technology
Connecting to points in a map, feeling closer and feeling farther

Yet while the world fills me with information
I am in the constant struggle to take the most in the moments of sensation
Finding the right time to talk to an old friend and laugh without care
Just give hugs and love those around me, the ones close to me

I guess what I’m getting at
Is that this year I tried to find a place in the information
To put feeling in the words on the paper
To take more out of the words on a screen
Feeling alongside the language
This required much attention

Making a point of understanding
To the cries of those outside but also the cries inside me
This led to finally accepting
While there is sorrow and hurting in the world
There’s also the same amount of laughter and happiness
I am learning not to dwell on the things I can’t change
Instead of running, trying to move slower

People aren’t all good and they aren’t all bad
I will move in and out of darkness and light all of my life
Yet a privilege to have a chance at experiencing all this much
Marking eighteen years of my existence

What did I do today?

I don’t even remember what I did.

I am too tired. I just want to sleep.

But what did I do today?

I had Math, and Com.

I don’t even remember what we learned about.

All I remember is me wanting to sleep.

Can I just switch myself and go right to sleep?

Now that I am in bed, I can’t fall asleep.

It’s too hot with a blanket on,

Too cold without.

I just want to sleep.

I can’t find a comfortable position to fall asleep in.

Ugh, now that I am in bed, why can’t I sleep?

I want to but I can’t fall asleep.

Let me check my Instagram.

Eh. Double Tap. Double Tap. Ew. Oh that’s a nice sunset. Double Tap.

Sigh, I want to sleep.

I wish I was in Bing again.

I miss it. I miss her.

Should I just transfer there?

It would be fun. But is it really worth all the hassle?

Would it be worth it in the long run?

I mean there are a lot of job opportunities and internship in the city,

But Bing does have a nice business program.

And Joyce is there too.

I miss her.

It’s hard not spending time with her every day.

I miss her smile, her hugs and kisses.

Thinking about her makes me feel happy to have her,

But sad that I am not with her.

Thanksgivings is the next time I will be able to spend time with her.

So far away.

But I can’t wait to see her.

She’s just so sweet and….. zZzzzZ.

The hardest thing about the transition from high school to college for me is time management. There just isn’t as much free time as a college student. The homework assignments from high school I could just copy in a few minutes from friends unlike the detailed assignments from college professors. Doing well on exams in college is also more important. In high school, even if I did poorly on a test I could just keep up my grades through other methods. Knowing that the bulk of my grade depends on how I score on exams really increases the pressure of performing well. This causes me to spend more time studying for them and have less time for other things.

Sleep is another factor that I have to put into time management. It used to take me around ten minutes to get to school, but now that I have to travel for over an hour to get to classes on time, I have to wake up a lot earlier. Without sufficient sleep I won’t be able to stay awake in my classes. Between the homework, sleeping and studying that I have to do for my classes I haven’t had much time to do the things I want. I feel like I haven’t been hanging out with friends as much as before. I have already declined their invites to hang out multiple times because I was too busy. They were given the option to choose their classes and get out a lot earlier than I do. Even my three day weekend doesn’t offer much free time. Fridays I usually spend time doing homework, Saturdays are spent babysitting my little cousin, and on Sundays my parents expect me to be home for dinner with the family, since it is the only day everyone is off work. I look forward to being able to set up my own schedule so I can take later classes. Starting classes later so that I can catch some sleep would be amazing.

It was easy. I guess. I practically did the same thing every day because it was all too easy. Can’t say I liked it very much and at the say time I enjoyed it. It was the same place five days a week, of course with a holiday here, there and in between this and that. We all had the same idea, just a few more months and we’re out of this school. While that was true, we all did want to leave, we didnt’ really want to go either. It was strange but understandable. We were all so comfortable going to the same classes everyday and seeing the same crap happen every single day. Now comes the real easy part. Summer came and went because I didn’t do anything worth remembering. Gonna miss that. College comes around not waiting for a soul. So we all fall back into that routine but this time its different. The people are different but they are the same. It isn’t so terrible and I its not like I expected anything but I definitely did not expect this. I actually look forward to my days to here. Classes only 4 days a week so that’s nice too. You know, the one thing I expected from myself didn’t happen either. Still not sure what I’m doing. Someone please tell me. Please.

Feelings confuse me

Not the feelings of

Happiness

Sadness

Being nervous

Excited

Those are the feelings that hits you with a label

You know where it comes from

And how to respond

You don’t have to wonder how it got there

But what about those feelings in-between

The feelings that I can’t describe

The feelings that no one can label

How do you put a label on a feeling

When you’re laying in bed

And you’re thinking

And thinking

Thinking about

Yesterday, today, tomorrow

Overthinking

Then suddenly

You can’t seem to remember when you invited these thoughts into your mind

And then the universe- that at first just consisted of you and your bed-

Seems to expand and collapse all at once

That feeling when you put on a shirt

And then a different shirt, and then something else

And you can’t decide

Whether

You hate the shirts

Or that you hate every shirt on you

When you have already realized how something will workout

But you can’t stop

Just can’t give up

It’s not that easy

It’s like wanting to deceive yourself

And you fail until the very end

That feeling

On the days that you wake up

And it’s quiet

And it’s dark outside

And you don’t know whether or not you want to try today

There are also other feelings

That I can’t label

Or describe

It’s when

When I go to prayer on Saturday mornings

And it’s still dark when I close my eyes

And while I’m in conversation

It’s something that I can’t explain

But I open my eyes to see the rays of sunshine seeping through

There is no way to fully describe

That moment I hug someone tight

And when I smile so hard

That my eyes start to tear

And cheeks begin to hurt

Words seem to escape me

When I try to explain to someone

How winter smells

And how it reminds me of when I was little

Of when I used watch my grandpa kindle the fireplace

And I would sit there for hours listening to the fire crackle and pop until I fell asleep

Feelings confuse me

I don’t understand

How something so basic

Can expand so far

And be so different

You’d think that my time in Baruch would be the most memorable part of my college experience; it makes sense, but in reality it’s my commute to and from Baruch that I find myself pondering upon the most.. It takes me around two hours to get from my house to Baruch. I wake up at 4:00 am. Before I go any further, I’d like to talk about the pain I go through to not be unconscious at that hour. In my high school years I woke up at 6:45 am, still early but manageable. I always got at least seven hours of sleep. But now, with my schedule and homework, I’m lucky if I get five.
This brings me onto my next issue, homework. Of course I was aware that college work would be challenging. I always assumed I’d somehow be able to manage it with ease. That was the most far fetched assumption I’ve ever made. I am definitely having difficulty balancing my social life with my academic life. Imagine a balance scale with a skittle on one side and a brick on the other. That is my life.
So now that that’s out of the way, I’ll go on to talk about the actual commute. One thing I suck at is punctuality. It’s just a bug I’ve had my whole life. So knowing this, you can probably guess that I am always missing my train. I kid you not, I somehow always manage to arrive just as the train is departing. And if I do manage to get onto the train, all of the seats are taken. Standing for an hour long train ride is annoying as hell, holding on to those nasty germ covered metal bars, not to mention the pins and needles you get on your feet.

Walking to Baruch is my favorite part of this journey. Passing all the stores and buildings, it’s a cool view. But one thing I’d prefer not to encounter on my walk are the “sidewalk salesmen”. I don’t know if that’s the proper terminology but you know who I mean. The dude shaking everyone’s hands, trying to push his mix-tape. Or the occasional servant of God, trying to save your soul from hellfire. You have to literally avoid eye contact with these guys because once that’s established, they suck you in for an endless presentation on whatever they’re pushing. These people I could do without. And finally, I get onto the Baruch campus and I’m safe. No more trains, subways, or mix-tapes. I can relax, until classes are over and I have to go through it all again.

My life Is in complete shambles at the moment.  I think my teachers fail to realized that I’M COMPLETELY BOOKED.  No professor I cannot complete your 10 page paper, study for your midterm, prepare a speech, take 10 online quizzes, and read about 80 pages in the textbook all in the time span and with the great quality that you want. I’m not as fabulous as I look and I have to keep up with my shows. Love and Hip Hop waits for no one. I feel stuck between waiting to do great in college and actually wanting to live my life. If I died tomorrow I’d be so upset because I feel like I did nothing but school for the majority of my life. I want to travel around the world or rob a bank or something(snitches get stitches). I want to do something that makes me feel like I’m living and I’m not just alive. I guess I just need to find that balance between work and school. Does anyone else feel like college life really isn’t for them? I love learning new things but not under the amount of pressure I feel when I’m in college. I always envisioned myself graduating college and then going on the get my masters degree but now not so much. I definitely want to graduate with my bachelors but that’s all I know for the time being. Stripping never sounded better.

Basically how my face looks the majority of the week.

And my self portrait. You’re welcome.