Dearest Viewers, please enjoy this latest transcript from our very first Power of Reason Guillotine Ceremony!

Woolf: This is certainly a difficult choice to be tasked with. Especially when one must do so while holding a heavy golden cross, which, if I may take a moment to discuss, seems very out of place in a ceremony that supposedly deals with “reason.”

Baudelaire: Turn it upside-down then.

Melville: Charles, you’re drunk. And getting on everybody’s last nerves.

Baudelaire: One should always be drunken, Herman.

Woolf: Can we get back to the relevance of a cross in a ceremony for reason, please?

Julianna: Actually, can we get back to the ceremony itself and stop shirking away from our duties, please?

Woolf: Very well. I’ve weighed the pros and cons of all three of my options. If I choose to not use the Power of Reason, I remain on good terms with Herman, for I would not be undermining his original choices for decapitation. If I choose to save Leo, then I risk making an enemy out of Franz if he does end up safe – and the same goes for if I choose to save Franz instead of Leo.

Baudelaire: Oh, where’s the fun in overanalyzing every detail? Make a choice!

Woolf: Charles! If you would let me finish… I’ve taken the time to review both of your stories, Leo and Franz, and I will admit that a certain act in one of them has moved me to use the Power of Reason to save someone tonight.

Tolstoy: Better luck next time, Franz. She’s talking about Ivan’s last-ditch attempt to teach his son the lessons of a meaningful life.

Woolf: Actually, Leo, I wasn’t.

Tolstoy: You must be kidding.

Woolf: No, I’m not. Franz. What is Gregor’s motivation to keep working as a traveling salesman even though he dislikes his job?

Kafka: He’s doing it to pay for the debts his parents incurred in the past. I thought that was obvious, and I don’t see how that would move-

Woolf: Not that reason, Franz. The other one.

Kafka: Other? Oh! You mean his sister?!

Woolf: Precisely. Gregor’s decision to suffer the woes of an unloved job in order to save up to send his sister to a conservatory was a very heartwarming testament to his own character. It truly made me reevaluate this bug-man of yours. And so, I choose to save you, Franz Kafka, by the Power of Reason.

Kafka: You’ve made an excellent choice, Virginia. Thank you.

Melville: I can’t say I’m surprised, nor can I say that I’m upset by your choice, Virginia. I too admire Franz’s story, and only placed him up for decapitation because he was one of the only ones that I debated in the first challenge. Not a word out of you, Leo! But now, as per the rules of this game, I must nominate a replacement. Virginia and Franz are safe, which leaves me with seven possible choices.

Baudelaire: Let us drink first!

Melville: Drink to what, Charles? You being Franz’s replacement? Because that’s exactly what’s happening. I’ve had it up to here with your alcohol-fueled musings about rotten corpses, and so has everyone else!

Baudelaire: Ah. I see.

Woolf: It appears the ceremony is now officially over…