Tyler Hern, 27, moved to New York City 7 years ago from Olive Branch, Mississippi. He is a full-time nanny and a promoter for a gay party in the East Village. While interviewing him at his place in Astoria, he told me that he identifies himself as a “gay feminine man” whose personality is “too great to not be on TV.” That is why he is currently looking for a way to break into the reality television business. He is also single and a relationship is not his priority at the moment.

1. How’s dating like in New York City?

Hard, regardless of race, body type or occupation. It doesn’t matter if you are a bear, a twink or an otter. New York is like a candy store; you literally have every type and color. The irony is that there are so many options, but in fact, that makes it harder to find someone because people are always focused on finding the next best thing. There’s always someone more your type. I feel a bit of a hypocrite because I bitch about it, but I do the same. I mean, I don’t wanna settle until I find someone perfect for me, because I usually think that if I continue with someone I don’t find that great, I could be missing out. We, New Yorkers, are busy people and few of us want relationships nowadays. That’s why people prefer hookups. Because it’s easier than dating, especially when you are putting yourself through school, working 2 jobs to pay the rent and you are trying to look fabulous like me.

2. When you meet a guy, is it usually in person, at a dating event or on a dating app like Grindr or OkCupid?

Mostly in person, but I can’t deny I use some apps. I’m not ashamed of it, like most people are. Like, queen, I know you are on Grindr looking for sex. Just admit it.

3. What are the challenges, if any, that you have encountered in the NY gay dating scene?

Well, I hate stereotyping, but our community as a whole is super shallow. You know that. I identify as a gay feminine man, which is already a challenge. Plus, our community doesn’t believe in monogamy. So, right there that is two challenges for me. You see, I’m from the South and I can see the difference. We have a fantastic gay scene here in NY, but people rather hook up than date. In the South, however, is easier to find a boyfriend even though there are far less options. People date in the same circle. Here in the city, we are more party-centered. I mean, honey, gay men have a Peter Pan syndrome and they really don’t wanna grow up. It’s also a historical thing—we just got equal marriage, for example. So, how are you gonna ask people who weren’t able to get married until two years ago to be so serious about dating? Come on.

4. How’s being an effeminate man a challenge for you?

I have to say, our community is moving towards a more heteronormative dynamic. Like, I want more masculine men but they don’t like me back. Nowadays, more men seek out masculine guys than feminine ones, because being feminine is becoming more of a fetish than something normal in our community. And I don’t get it. I mean, people who started the Stonewall movement weren’t rough daddies and gay surfers—it was transsexuals, feminine men with eccentric hair styles, and queens like Prince. I feel like gay men idealize masculinity. In my case, I have to find men who are exclusively into feminine guys. I am, essentially, their sex fetish. But what can I do? I feel used, but I wouldn’t get laid otherwise. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been turned down for being girly. But whatever.

5. Can you provide an example or an anecdote?

I have many. But most recently, this guy I was seeing for a couple of weeks asked me to wear high heels while having sex with him. Although it would’ve been sort of nice, I felt used. I’m a gay feminine man, not a woman. Not a transsexual. Although there’s nothing wrong with that.

6.You mentioned that you are mostly into masculine men. Is that also idealizing masculinity and/or discriminating against feminine men like yourself?

Yes, to some extent. But it’s just my preference. It’s not discrimination because I don’t think of feminine men as inferior. I don’t tell them how undesirable they are because of the way they carry themselves, which is exactly what most gay men do. However, that goes beyond my point. I am mad at the community as a whole because we are letting the media and the entertainment industry influence what we like. I am also a victim, I guess. This new gay TV reality show “Prince Charming” is the perfect example. They only casted white masculine men. Is that a coincidence? Absolutely not. Oh, and they also casted one black guy to protect themselves from being accused of racism. They literally threw a black guy into the show. Why? Because most gays fetishize black dudes. First, because of, you know, the myth; and second, because darker men represent masculinity. But the same people who fetishize them, wouldn’t bring the black dude home to momma. It seems like we are creating this new gay poster child; the gay men that we want straight people to be comfortable with. I understand that we are gay because we like men, and that one of the most attractive traits in men is masculinity. However, we are pushing it too hard. We are setting a precedent for the next generations: being feminine is undesirable. In other words, the show is not an accurate depiction of our community. What we are showing to the world is not an accurate depiction of our community. We, fems, are not being well represented. And it bothers me. A lot.