Andrew Hixenbaugh – Facebook photo

Gay dating apps are great media to make new friends, meet people abroad, have sexual encounters or even meet a significant other. But not for everyone.

Scrolling down on Grindr is all it takes to realize how much discrimination there is in an already discriminated community. People of color or those who deviate from the norm, are often rejected by other users.

However, being rejected does not always translate into diplomatic answers like “you’re not my type” or being simply ignored by the person on the receiving end. Terms like “No femmes, no fatties, no blacks, no Asians, no shorties, no rice and beans and no total bottoms,” are requests Grindr users run into often.

Darian, 26, who preferred not to share his last name for confidentiality reasons, has been rejected for being black multiple times. He is from Trinidad and Tobago, studies finance and moved to Jamaica, Queens, approximately 7 years ago.

“We, gays, unlike many straight folks believe, are still discriminated against in society. But what about us? We discriminate more than any other group…and that’s even worst, because we do it to our own people,” he said. “Being gay or black is not easy. But, trust me, being both at the same time is a total predicament.”

A prominent dating site is OkCupid, with more than a million users worldwide. OkCupid’s recent data based on reply rate by race shows that blacks, both men and women, get by far the fewest replies. On the other hand, whites get the most replies and respond “by far the least to anyone,” according to the 2009 study.

Darian, while showing me on his phone how many Grindr users have explicitly rejected him for being black, confirmed the data exposed above, saying that the only guys who pursue him are the ones who are exclusively attracted to his race. He also said that he often gets offers on Grindr to have threesomes with white gay couples because they, in his own words, “fetishize” him.

“It doesn’t feel good to know that someone is with you or desires you only because of your skin color,” he said. “I want someone that wants me for who I am and not because he fantasizes with a big black penis, which, by the way, not every black guy has.”

While some believe that not being attracted to someone because of their race or body type is inherently racist or discriminatory, others believe that it’s just a matter of preference. Take Andrew Hixenbaugh, 28, white, who believes that having preferences has nothing to do with discrimination.

“I think there are cases of both racism and preference. There are definitely racists out there on these sites/apps bringing people down,” he said. “But I don’t think all preferential people are racists. I think there are certain people that know an exact set of traits that gets them going.” Hixenbaugh told me that knowing what “excites you” does not mean you think less of certain races. The problem is that racists are hiding behind the word preference, which gives those who know exactly what they want a bad name, he said.

“I have talked to black men that have ‘no blacks’ written on their profile and white men with ‘no whites’ written on theirs,” said Hixenbaugh. “This is never looked at as racism because they are going against their own skin color… so, is it fair to assume that the white man with the same thing written on his profile is racist towards white people? Or does he just share the same preference as that black man?” he reflected.

Hixenbaugh, like Darian, agrees that there is a problem with fetishizing specific races. He believes that white people who are only attracted to black men, for instance, are being paradoxically racist towards the black community—because even though they don’t think of them as inferior, they only like them because of their color and the phallic “myth” associated with the black race.

“Like, do you want to know me or is my skin color the only thing that appeals to you?” he said.

Hixenbaugh also believes that it is a matter of culture and compatibility. He said that he can see his lifestyle blending with certain cultures and not with others. “I like to go out a lot, so I probably wouldn’t date a Hasidic Jew,” or other extremely religious cultures, he said, while apologizing for his “bluntness.”

Even with a thrilling nightlife, dating events specifically designed to find Mr. Right and an overwhelming amount of dating apps, gay New Yorkers still struggle to find a significant other.

For those who are HIV positive, the challenge of finding a partner grows.

Take Nathan Kelly, 33, who holds an M.A. in mental health counseling and resides in Midtown Manhattan. On a recent evening, he was out at Vodka Soda & Bottom Up, a bar in Hell’s kitchen that is popular for serving well drinks way below the average market price. It was almost 8 p.m. and Kelly, sitting right at the middle of the bar, took his daily dose of Genvoya, the blue antiretroviral pill that keeps him undetectable.

“Dating in NYC is both simple and complicated, depending on what you are looking for,” said Kelly. “Add to that being HIV positive, and things becomes a bit harder.”

More than 750,000 New Yorkers identify as LGBT, according to an analysis of survey data conducted by Gallup. So, in a city with such a prominent gay population—the largest in the US—where gays can enjoy themselves in vibrant neighborhoods like Chelsea, East Village and Hell’s Kitchen, the common assumption is that LGBT individuals have it much easier than their counterparts in less gay-populated areas, for instance.

“But in reality, dating in New York is like the paradox of the plenty in economics; the more options you have, the less successful you are in finding someone you actually want,” said Kelly, after taking a long sip of his apple martini.

“Casual dating is endless, as most people can find time for a movie or a coffee,” he said. “But having to devote consistent time … on something other than yourself, doesn’t seem to be what most people want to do.”

Scientific research has shown that, although extremely low risk does not mean zero risk, it is almost impossible for an undetectable person to transmit the virus to a sexual partner. This is especially true if the negative person is on PrEP, the daily pill that keeps more than 79,000 Americans negative, according to Aidsmap.com.

“But not everyone wants to take a pill every day just to be able to have sex with another person, especially considering there are so many options in New York,” said Kelly. “You could just as easily meet someone who is negative and have a connection without all the trouble.”

The biggest challenge for an HIV positive gay man is the fear of being rejected by a potential partner who might not want to deal with the risk of getting infected, he said. Although there has been a big push towards awareness due to social media, subway ads, and education, he explains, “it is still possible to meet someone who is uneducated about the virus.”

Kelly believes that he has not faced many challenges when dating someone because he has always disclosed his HIV status from the beginning. “It takes a lot of trust to date someone who is positive, and trust is something that usually needs to be built up,” he said. “But because dating tends to be so casual in NYC, most guys don’t take the time to build up to that, and find it easier to just dismiss a positive person.”