I chose these three questions because I had a special connection. This is something I have experienced. Some of these are still happening today. My answers to this question would benefit the readers because they might have a similar situation as me in that they might struggle or are still struggling with family or even friends. Besides, reading Hijas Americanas has also made me feel content with the question I have chosen, which made me realize that I wasn’t alone.
Question 1: did you have physical confidence from ages 15 to 18?
Around the age of 15-18, I wasn’t confident with my body or with another physical image of me because my family would judge the way my body looked or the way I dressed. I started to have less confidence when I went to Mexico, and my body changed more than when I was a preteen; I remember they would make comments about my weight and my physical body image. My grandmama and my grandpapa would always tell me that I need to lose weight not only but also my sister because we look fat. While reading Hijas Americanas in chapter seven, “Size Matter,” made me feel I wasn’t the only one with this. For example, when Penelope, who grew up in Texas with Mexican Parents, says, “She constantly tells me that I am getting gordita, or that I look great because I have lost weight.” (Molinary 194) This quote made me think about my own experience of how my grandparents would call me “Gordita” and did feel offended. It got to a point where I looked fat and that I needed to lose weight for them to stop calling me “Gordita.” But then I started to watch and see some Latina influencers on Instagram or other social media. It made me realize I didn’t need to feel ashamed of how I looked because I saw how they didn’t care about their weight, and they would talk about the same issue, and it seemed that they didn’t care either. Now, every time I try to keep it positive about my physical image.
Question 2: do/ did you feel that your family expects/ expected you to become a mother?
At first, my parents never pushed me to have a family; they only wanted my sister and me to focus on school and get a college degree. My dad wanted us to have a better future, having a diplopia, having a better job, etc., because he didn’t have the chance to finish school and didn’t want us to suffer like he did. My grandparents from my mom’s side of the family expect my sister and me to become mothers because, in Mexico, they believe becoming a mother “makes you become a woman.” Since my parents are getting older and years are passing fast, they expect us to have a family by becoming mothers. My mom wants us to become mothers because she believes having a child would make you feel like you are not alone, or you would have someone to take care of you when you are older.” When my mom told me this, she didn’t realize that if I had kids someday, they would leave me because that is how life works. Kids would grow up to go off to college, and they would leave me alone. My dad never thought of us becoming a mother until now because he says he is getting older and wants one day to spend time with grandkids. Becoming a mother in my family is one of the essential things to do in life because having to go is much more significant in our family.
Question 3: Do/did you feel pressure from your family to marry a Latino, or partner with a Latino/a?
In my family, they expect us to have to marry a Latino, especially a Mexican, who knows how to speak Spanish, so they can communicate. My parents want me to date a Mexican guy and someone from their hometown because my parents and my family’s way of thinking is to keep the tradition going. My parents have an extensive list of what type of guy they want me to date; for example, he needs to be a guy who works hard or someone who has a good job; he needs to be fluent, etc. One reason why parents believe dating a Latino would be the best option is because they don’t want their daughters and themself to be judged by their own family. While I was reading Hijas Americanas in chapter four, “when color counts,” AAngela’sstory said,“My grandmother, however, was always like, don’t date blacks, don’t date this, don’t date that. By the time she was finished rattling off the list, there was no one left for me to date.” (Molinary109) This connected with my own experience because not only are my parents concerned about who I should date, but my grandpa from my mom’s side would always give an opinion on who I should date. Comments like this make me feel pressured about who I should or shouldn’t date.
The Book and the question from Hijas Americans made me realize that many Latinas have struggled with similar things answering these three questions made me realize that I need to open my eyes and change some of my family’s traditions that don’t make me feel ashamed of my physical appearance, being forced to become a mother and with a big family, and I think about marrying a Latino guy.
Hi Pilar,
First, I want to thank you for being comfortable enough to share your personal experiences in your blog post. Second, when I was reading your responses, there were so many things that you wrote that I also agreed with heavily. For instance, when you answered the first and second question, I was constantly nodding my head. I’m also Mexican so I could relate so much when you said that your grandparents would call you ‘Gordita’. I feel like the nicknames Latino family members would assign to their nieces, nephews, kids, etc. is very common, but despite that, what they don’t understand is that these ‘nicknames’ are what causes so many of us to have insecurities or in some cases eating disorders. In Hijas Americans, I also remember they also talked about that and how eating disorders aren’t ‘known’ within the Latino community, but really it’s rarely ever talked about because of this stigma that we can’t express our emotions without appearing ‘weak’. Also, when you mentioned how your mom wants you to be a mother too so you can have someone to take care of you, my mom would say the same thing. I really like how you acknowledged that shouldn’t be the case, because in reality, if we do end up having kids, our kid(s) will grow up and create their own life. In other words, I really liked how you mentioned that there are some traditions within our family that need to be broken and that is okay.
Hey Pilar!
I really like how you explained your own experiences on this topic and how well-developed was each answer.
I feel you when on the first question about feeling uncomfortable during the pre-teenage years, mostly because we are trying to discover ourselves, but the hormones, emotions and stress are difficult and more add those passive-aggressive comments about one’s weight, you know, ‘you would look better if you were thinner’, ‘look how pretty your cousin looks, that’s how you should look’, ‘don’t eat so much, you’ll get ugly’, creating in girls from an early age body dysmorphia and problems with food. It is a toxic tendency that has to die in these new generations, too. It is worth mentioning that it is very common for our families to give their opinion about how we look without knowing how we are doing, but if you put limits on it, you are the bad one.
Secondly, my family thinks a lot like your dad, but only that my grandmother, aunt and my mom are young mothers and they have always told me that I should start my education and then whatever comes, but there is no pressure to form a family; on the other hand, I have never seen myself being a mother or anything like that.
Finally, very few times I have been asked about having a partner, I am not interested in having a partner and nothing, only talking about my maternal family; they know very well that I am not in a hurry to get something but if I get something they are not interested if it is Latino or not, only that I have the basics (responsible, loving, caring and that makes me happy) after that they have never had any illusions in my future partner.
I think that in any Hispanic family, they would like this type of man to be a provider for the family but also to have ideals, to be more integrated into the family and be more united to your family as well as his family. In closing, great arguments and your experiences are very relatable because Hispanic families are very opinionated and judgmental, in their own rare and toxic way.
Hi Pilar, everything you said really resonates with my own experiences in one way or another. Growing up I struggled a lot with body image too. My mom had given birth to me and was still so skinny. To her she was confused on why I was a gordita, but she loved me nonetheless. My dad, however, wanted to keep me that way to not attract men in my life. He equated thinness with beauty, although he was overweight himself. He constantly overloaded my plate and fed me unhealthy fast food to keep me from ever losing the weight. One day I snapped and the same father that fed me to keep me fat introduced me to the Military Diet when I was only 13 years old. I thought eating an apple, eggs, and tuna was fine for my growing body. I would follow the diet to a T every week only to eat whatever I wanted on the weekends. This started my unhealthy yoyo dieting pattern that still follows me to this day in an effort to look thin. But, I’m slowly but surely learning to love myself!