Monthly Archives: October 2012

Before you think you are
Who you believe you are
Break all ties that may define
The person that is you
Beyond all words and descriptions
And social classifications  and exaggerations
Remember that there’s an I in all that you do
Stand behind that, the decisions you make
Whether you fail or rise
Remember that you were your own
“So throw off the bowlines
Sail away from the safe harbor
Catch the trade winds in your sails
Explore. Dream. Discover”

In a magazine, what do you see? Usually there is a perfect family with a mother, father, son, daughter and maybe a dog. My family does not look like that, so is my family broken? My family is made up of my mother, grandmother, 2 sisters and I. My family is not the same as the magazine, so is my family wrong? Even though my father is not around, I do not view my family as flawed. The definition of a family is a group of people living together in a household. For a very long time I had thought it was not.

When I was 6 years old, my mom and dad separated. I never really understood what was going on until I was about 9. My dad would sometimes call and visit, but dropped all forms of communication by the time I was 7. I do not know why he left, but always thought it was always somewhat my fault. I had a feeling my sisters and I did something wrong one day and he left because he got tired of us. I slowly started to understand that I could not control what had happened and had to accept the situation.

When I got a bit older, I started to notice how people would show off the things they had and the stuff their parents would buy them. I was a part of a group of friends who liked to show off and show one another the “fancy” things we had. I did not want to be the outcast of the group so I tried to keep up with them. I knew that would not always be the case. Since my family is a one-income home that has to support 4 others, I could not always get the material items I wanted. I had to make do with the items I had because I also had to think about my family. I could not do everything my friends did and I had to accept that, but I was still happy with what I had.

The one thing that remains of my father’s abandoning is trust issues I have. I know I may seem to be a free spirit who speaks my mind, but I have my doubts with people. If the one who is supposed to love you most and care for you leaves, then why should anyone else stay? Since that is my way of thinking, it is not that easy for me to get to trust someone with anything I know. I may trust someone, but I do not think I will ever trust someone wholeheartedly. Some say I am distant, but that is not exactly what is going on. I have a barrier around me for a reason and I do not think anyone can get through that barrier. It may take more time, but trusting someone is not easy for me and may still be a “scar” I bare when I grow older.

Back in May, my Blackberry was stolen. I never realized how much I rely on it to get through every day. In a way, it became the friend I always talked to, the friend I would carry from room to room with, the friend who I wish was physically part of me. Two years of friendship lost forever along with the memories contained inside of it such as pictures, text message conversations, appointments and little notes on how to survive high school.

A lot has happened in two years.  Fluctuating friendships, loads of laughter, trails of tears and a plethora of promises all gone within a matter of minutes. This is what I will truly miss about my phone, it held the contents to my life and certain parts of my heart. I had saved conversations that I go back to sometimes to make me smile or in some cases remind myself of where I have come from and how strong I am. In a way these conversations were like little parts of my life that I didn’t want to let go of even when I know I should have a long time ago.  With the help of my best friend however I realized that everything happens for a reason and this loss really made me come back to reality and revaluate some relationships in my life. Some I know are gone for good and I can finally accept it but some are just burgeoning into things I can’t describe.

From how I see it, I feel like the loss of my phone will really show me which relationships are worth keeping and which relationships are meant to be given up on.  A loss of a phone shouldn’t really change relationships in theory but when it’s the primary method of communication then things could possibly change.  IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME YOU WILL FIND A WAY, PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

This loss has really in a way made this whole period of change seem more real. It tells me in my very own way that it’s time to let go of what was in my past and to release it to the universe because it was not mean to be. If it is meant to be then somehow or someone will make it happen. I really do hate change. I don’t want to leave my comfort zone, I’m quite happy here. However I feel like this incident is the microcosm for my macrocosm.  Now that the high school chapter in my life is closed, it’s time for me to let go of my past including my failures and victories and just realize that this was the rehearsal for when I get into the real world. I’m learning to move on from this point in my life and I guess leaving certain things in the past is better than holding onto them and hoping they might go back to the way they were. Besides it’s just a phone right? How much could it truly change my life?

As the child of two Asian parents, I’m subjugated to do nothing but learn learn and learn. Throughout my childhood I would be reading, writing essays, and doing more reading. I was basically their little student slave for years. Then during high school, I LEARNED that I could stop their bamboo stick. I figured now that they couldn’t beat me anymore, I was unstoppable. Throughout I went from the little scholar nerd into the punk ass kid who would cut class and start trouble within the school. I was always always messing with people and sometimes even looking down on them. As a result, I became a failure, I was getting 55’s ,66’s and my guidance counselor had to pull me out of class a few times to tell me that I was being a dumb ass. I never listened to him because like my parents this dude was trying to control me so I continued my stupidity for another year until I finally realized that I wasted two years of my life being a retard. I started to pick up my act and became less judgmental and more importantly my grades went on. This new change within me was actually my old me and I realized that my parents had been teaching me to be a good kid. Yet, I needed to put the blame on something so instead of blaming it on myself, I left the blame on the bamboo stick for causing me all these problems in my life and my low grades.

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I love sports. I played just about every sport there is. When living in Wisconsin, I started to play Hockey. Then I started to swim. After that, I moved to Florida where I picked up baseball, basketball, football, tennis, and golf. Then I moved here to New York and learned how to play volleyball and lacrosse. Out of all the sports I have played, basketball and volleyball are my favorite sports. In the sport of basketball, I played for about 5 years and I don’t think I’m bad, but I still have a lot to improve on. I played on my high school team in Florida named winter park high school (ranked #10 in the nation according to ESPN’s high school ranking charts in 2010). In my high school team was a friend by the name of Austin Rivers; the #10 pick in the 2012 NBA draft, scoring leader for Duke University last year, and son of Boston Celtics head coach: Doc Rivers. He was really good at basketball and during practice, we had to double guard him in order to attempt to slow him down. Basketball is by far my favorite sport and I’ll play anyone just to get some shots up. Not to far from basketball is my 2^nd favorite sport: volleyball. I only played volleyball for 3 years, but it was a sport I quickly fell in love with. With no prior experience, except when I played at my church, I made my high school team my senior year and became a starter in place of the co-captain of the team. My high school in New York, Cardozo, is ranked as one of the top volleyball programs in the PSAL and my school had the most Championships in both Boys varsity and Girls varsity. With the guys team, my coach has a record of 210-4 which is the best record in the PSAL. Although I love basketball and volleyball, I love any sport and I am willing to learn any new sport.

Integrity is something you do not see much anymore. Sure there are “good” people, but even the best of character falter for that is that nature of humanity. Discipline is a key part of maintaining integrity and in our current society, the only type of discipline that seems to be applied is the time-out approach. Self-control is expected of “upstanding citizens”, yet the freedom to do whatever we want to regardless of the detrimental effects of our actions is given and taken advantage of by said citizens. I do not know many who would choose work over leisure either. The consensus seems to be a desire for efficiency in all areas of life: less work for greater profit. This is foolish when applied to interpersonal relations of all kinds other than business relationships. Essentially, I believe that these qualities of integrity, discipline, self-control, and a desire to work are absent from a great portion of society based upon what I have seen thus far from my perspective.

I also find that so many people will compromise what they believe and many will not even bother to hold a concrete belief, but will instead just keep their options open so that they never put their faith in something that will not benefit their own interests. I have asked many people what they believe in and many have told me that they believe in what they can see or they say something like, “yeah I believe there is a God, but I am not religious.” Well, I have also mostly talked to young people so I have little reason to base my analytical conclusions on adults. So it is not fair to say that many people have shaky beliefs since I have not spoken to many adults though the few that I have spoken to have replied similarly to the youth.

I see a great deal of injustice in everyday actions and speech. I hear people readily cursing as if there was something truly despicable and abhorrent to condemn, though there is usually only a meager annoyance or perturbation that has unduly warranted this antagonism. Even in the context of friendships, I hear swear words used as congratulatory remarks and as terms of endearment. Kindness of speech must be quite unpopular. How many times does emphasis of anger require the “f” word in order to get the point across? Vocabulary is also dwindling for that matter, at least in the vernacular because plenty of professional fields exploit advanced jargon. People also often say what they do not mean. Words are powerful and people should be more careful of what words they daily use.

Doesn’t everyone love their own room? It’s like a little bubble you go to at the end of every day to just relax and chill out. It’s where you can be completely honest with yourself and have the maximum level of privacy. Of course everyone’s room is different. My room is the best. I make sure to keep my room at its best – clean, tidy, and odor free because a wise man once told me it’s a reflection of who I am. As soon as you step into my room you will be asked if you took a shower. If you are clean you are free to plop on a squat on my bed or other furniture. If not you will be condemned to the floor. Since my room is a reflection of who I am you might’ve noticed my giant speakers and my one of many New York City skyline wall decals. I love music at its highest levels and I love New York City at night. My foldable bed makes my room look a lot bigger than it actually is and my color coordinated closet is always the way I want it. I don’t keep a lot of things in my room because then it starts to look messy and it begins to bother me. What I keep in my room is limited to only things I need when I am relaxing or feeling lazy. The TV is there for me for those days where I just feel like being snuggled up in my cozy bed. The cologne is there for me to spray all over when I’m going out to see someone special and the door is there for me to shut at the end of everyday when I want all of my privacy.

Yeah, you could consider me lazy. But I’d rather describe myself as laidback, but that’s not really up to me, is it?  I used to wish that I could spend all of my days just eating and watching television.  One day I even told my parents that I wanted to be a professional t.v. watcher!  Yeah,  not such a great idea.  Coming to college however sorta made me not as lazy.  There is an actual need to get off my rear-end and get some stuff done. But not intensely using my brain for four years of high school sort of made me lose some of the magical touch.  I used to walk around mindlessly without a thought in the world, but now a days my head is just jam packed full of things that I don’t even understand.  I didn’t expect college to be this hard and hectic.  I didn’t expect to have to read and study every single damn night.  And I really didn’t expect to have to wake up even earlier than I did in high school.  But walking around Baruch does sort of make me feel proud of myself, being an actual college student and all.  I never thought that finishing up work would be so pleasing to me.  Maybe there was this hidden asian nerd inside of me just waiting to pop out and study.  But besides the satisfaction that I get out of studying, there are some other good things about being in college.  Like the humongous library, and the elevators and escalators, and even the one dollar pizzas across the street.  Some downers however include the lack of sleep, crowded halls, and halal that tastes like a monkeys ass.  I didn’t know that there could be a halal that tasted like cow manure, but I was proven wrong, yes indeed.  Anyways, even though college is hard and arduous and other SAT words synonymous to difficult, studying and working hard isn’t all that bad. And I ALREADY learned one important thing about life from the short time I had in college:  if you don’t enjoy what you’re doing, whatever it is you do, that thing is gonna be shit in your life.   So try to have fun with whatever you do, even if at times you do get lazy.

I have never really been able to answer that question for myself. Does that mean I do not know who I am? Not necessarily. It could just mean I am growing as a person, so “my definition” is not set in stone. From what I know, however, I am one person who is not embarrassed easily and is laid back. Why should I hide the real me? I speak my mind (at the right moments) and feel not everything should be taken serious, so relax and let things go.

My concern for this year is the workload, my grades, and the teaching style of each professor. I am not so use to having to have a large workload every night. My old teachers had an understanding that we had homework from other classes so they did their best to try to make our lives easy. I feel stressed in every class I walk into now. My grades are not up to where I would like them to be, so I am stressing out even more. It seems I will not be able to get away from the stress. I also have to learn to understand each teaching style. Some professors have a “different” way of teaching so I have to try to either understand or learn the material myself.

I have noticed many differences in Baruch compared to my high school. I immediately noticed the students carried themselves in a professional manner. My high school was filled with drama and fighting and I was not too into it. College kids also are not as clique-y as high school kids, so I am pleased with that. I pretty much could not stand my school so Baruch is a big step up.

I do not think college will change me all that much. It is somewhat hard to change a personality that is stable. I do not want to change now that I think about it. I just hope college can teach me some things to better myself.